60F - 43F : Sunny
Another day wasted to depression. First I actually felt better overnight, talking to Kali and Alex, and I got my youtube videos watched and generally had a good night. Then I went to sleep around 3 or 4 am, and woke up again around 3pm. And my head was just filled with misery. I lay in bed for a little bit trying to hide from reality, but eventually the dog needed to be fed and wasn't going to let me pretend to sleep anymore. I got up and fed him. I was hungry myself so I ordered a pizza from California Pizza Kitchen. It got here at almost 5.
I checked on Zelensky, and read DW and LJ while I waited for my pizza. I called T-Mobile to complain about the lack of internet on my phone. They said I had to turn it off and they'd call me back in half an hour after I managed to do that. Sure enough, they never called (but resetting the phone's network settings did get me internet back). Then I pretty much just wasted my time until Temple. I talked to Victor through temple, but tuned in for the shema, prayer for healing, and prayer for the dead. I'm annoyed with them, though because they say they start at 7:15 but the youtube countdown to services counts down to 7:20, and then they don't even start then it just goes to a "coming soon" screen. Which, like, come on. If you're going to make me drive all the way over there in rush hour at least start your shit on time. Especially since you keep going later and later at the end.
I've been exhausted all day and somehow exhausted and depressed are mixing together into some kind of a mess. I feel a little better for having talked to Victor, but I'm still a mess.
I haven't really accomplished anything in the hour since temple ended, either. Except that I got that dizzy empty headed feeling again that I thought had stopped since I stopped taking the one med I did. So I guess it's not that med, and maybe the doctor will give it back or whatever. Given that her only other solution was to give me the same med she's been trying to give me for years that I've told her 9 or 10 times I'd rather die of diabetes than take (it causes yeast infections and UTIs), I guess that's for the best. Well, actually, I just checked my email and had a reply from her (I literally emailed her an hour ago so I'm shocked because that means she's answering at 10pm). She offered a weekly injection that lowers sugar and may cause weight loss. So we're going with that.
I'm starting to think that second hand warhammer shop I sent pictures of all of Kevin's toys to isn't going to get back to me. They initially promised by the end of the week, and it has been a while now. I know there's a lot of toys, but if they needed more time they could email me and say "we need more time." I really don't know what I'm going to do with all this crap if they don't get back to me. I can't even identify most of it to sell it on ebay. It says "by the end of next week" and was sent last Friday. So that's today, isn't it? and yet... nothing.
Once again I've been writing about half as long as I usually do, but I'm having trouble finding anything else to say. My watch has finished charging, and I realize I haven't even come anywhere close to closing any of my rings for the day, and I'm not sure I care at all. I did the absolute bare minimum for art and exercise today - one photoshop and 25 crunches. And I just don't care. Maybe I'll get my brain back one day? I don't know. All the other widows on fannishwidows say their psychiatrists gave them antidepressants. I'm starting to suspect negligence by mine in refusing to give me one. Perhaps I need to contact a patient advocate. They did get me a sleeping pill last time. Anyway, I just emailed her to see about getting one, and if she says no I'll email the PA.
Well, checking that email and writing that last paragraph took long enough that I've been writing for a full hour now, as usual. So who knows? Maybe I just usually get more distracted. It's a pretty average lengthed entry, I think.