(no subject)
I dont want to complain to people who dont know me.
But for somereason i want that feedback. That nuetral feedback of people that cant judge me by looking at me. Isnt it depressing how no matter how hard we try, we judge people. we look at them and we catagorize them. Even if its in a good way, its still hard to deal with. I dont think that I want to have to worry about what i look like because first impressions can decide future interactions with strangers. Ive been feeling so weird lately, like I have lost everything that I used to rely on, and i lost every outlet as well. So i will resort to my sad music and keeping myself busy. Or at least appearing busy. Maybe life would be easier if i could get angry instead of sad. I dont mean that I would get angry at other people, i hate it when people do that, But i focus so much more on the fact that I am hurt rather than the fact that someone hurt me. Does that represent being self centered? if it does, i think its a weird example.
If everyone thought about other people a bit more, the world would be a happy place, right? I have a bunch of friends. Friends that when i see them at the halls in school, there are plenty of hugs and excited his, but how many really actually care? Well at least none of them seem to, until something drastic happens. Thats what the appeal to suicide was for all those people who have done it. They wanted those people to acctually care, rather than just assume that everyone is fine, and everything is ok. So why cant everyone just do a little more for those people that seem lonely? Its hard. I dont. It seems like im lecturing. Im not. Im really trying to convince myself. I need to care more. I think that the worst thing that could happen to me is to be ignored. Ill think that it will seperate myself from people, make me be independant, and try to work things out in my head. But when Im trying to work things out, im sure that most of the time im trying to work out my problems that im having with other people. Expectations are killing me right now. Having people tell me what I should do is killing me. Nothing makes me want to rebel more than that. Thats why I cant take things seriously when a priest tells me that I should live my life for god. How am I supposed to live and love for something that isnt tangible. That doesnt make me laugh. Why is everything so focused on what you should NOT do? Like MJ said, i can sin while talking, sin while doing something, sin while not doing something, sin while thinking, sin while breathing. Why isnt it enough to live a good life? I would love to channel the love i have for people, and life into a love for god. But so often i hear the stories of gods wrath and that we should live in fear of god. Still everyone is perfect? Which one is it? love your neighbor or sink people in the flood of noahs ark? If god knows beforehand what it is we will do in our life, why does he put us through it. why cant we just skip right to judgement? I know. All of this can be completley backed up by the bible. God has his reasons, etc. But then god isnt pure love? I know im just confused, and Had i saw this written by someone eles, im sure i would have been royally offended. again, i dont mean it to offend anyone, im just taking everything from my head and getting it down, because i certainly feel like i cant tell anyone that i know. all ive been realizing lately is how hard it is for me to open up to people. I think opening up to people and being friendly is really different. But i cant confront people. Even people that ive normally been able to tell anything to. Its just incredibly pathetic how i will write a freakin essay in a livejournal that no one actually wants to read rather than just dealing with all these dumb rhetorical questions. bah!!!!
But for somereason i want that feedback. That nuetral feedback of people that cant judge me by looking at me. Isnt it depressing how no matter how hard we try, we judge people. we look at them and we catagorize them. Even if its in a good way, its still hard to deal with. I dont think that I want to have to worry about what i look like because first impressions can decide future interactions with strangers. Ive been feeling so weird lately, like I have lost everything that I used to rely on, and i lost every outlet as well. So i will resort to my sad music and keeping myself busy. Or at least appearing busy. Maybe life would be easier if i could get angry instead of sad. I dont mean that I would get angry at other people, i hate it when people do that, But i focus so much more on the fact that I am hurt rather than the fact that someone hurt me. Does that represent being self centered? if it does, i think its a weird example.
If everyone thought about other people a bit more, the world would be a happy place, right? I have a bunch of friends. Friends that when i see them at the halls in school, there are plenty of hugs and excited his, but how many really actually care? Well at least none of them seem to, until something drastic happens. Thats what the appeal to suicide was for all those people who have done it. They wanted those people to acctually care, rather than just assume that everyone is fine, and everything is ok. So why cant everyone just do a little more for those people that seem lonely? Its hard. I dont. It seems like im lecturing. Im not. Im really trying to convince myself. I need to care more. I think that the worst thing that could happen to me is to be ignored. Ill think that it will seperate myself from people, make me be independant, and try to work things out in my head. But when Im trying to work things out, im sure that most of the time im trying to work out my problems that im having with other people. Expectations are killing me right now. Having people tell me what I should do is killing me. Nothing makes me want to rebel more than that. Thats why I cant take things seriously when a priest tells me that I should live my life for god. How am I supposed to live and love for something that isnt tangible. That doesnt make me laugh. Why is everything so focused on what you should NOT do? Like MJ said, i can sin while talking, sin while doing something, sin while not doing something, sin while thinking, sin while breathing. Why isnt it enough to live a good life? I would love to channel the love i have for people, and life into a love for god. But so often i hear the stories of gods wrath and that we should live in fear of god. Still everyone is perfect? Which one is it? love your neighbor or sink people in the flood of noahs ark? If god knows beforehand what it is we will do in our life, why does he put us through it. why cant we just skip right to judgement? I know. All of this can be completley backed up by the bible. God has his reasons, etc. But then god isnt pure love? I know im just confused, and Had i saw this written by someone eles, im sure i would have been royally offended. again, i dont mean it to offend anyone, im just taking everything from my head and getting it down, because i certainly feel like i cant tell anyone that i know. all ive been realizing lately is how hard it is for me to open up to people. I think opening up to people and being friendly is really different. But i cant confront people. Even people that ive normally been able to tell anything to. Its just incredibly pathetic how i will write a freakin essay in a livejournal that no one actually wants to read rather than just dealing with all these dumb rhetorical questions. bah!!!!