(no subject)
my sisters are here for the day, because they wanted to vote. Now it kind of feels like old times, because my mom is talking with them at the dinner table, and laughing really hard. I love those times to death, I miss them, it makes me cry sometimes. I hate politics right now, Its the hardest thing in the world, growing up in a huge, catholic, conservative family, and living in one of the most liberal parts of the world. I just wrote an essay on it. My government teacher called us to write an essay explaining which political party we were going to register in and why. I cant choose that now. I dont feel like I know enough. And whatever I do know, I cant explain or talk to anyone about, because it will either upset my family or other people around. Why do people who have the same political tendensies seemed to be clumped together? is it because it rubs off on eachother? I hate being influenced by trivial things like that. I want my own beliefs. and i dont want to argue them with anyone. I just want them to be right. I hate having to worry if they comply with gods beliefs. Religion can really get to me right now. I should rely on it. But whose to say what I should do? It drives me absolutley crazy that im not religious enough, that im expected to love someone who isnt tangible, who doesnt talk to me, who doesnt make me laugh. I need these things, right? I would love to say, fuck it, ill believe what i want. But i just cant, thats going against everything i know. Why isnt living, and being a good person enough? I think that the power of Lack of knowledge can be incredible sometimes. Because if a person doesnt know, how can they be blamed? Gah, it just makes my head spin, it makes me want to scream sometimes, it makes me feel like im in it completley alone.
I was asked how i was liking this year, and what aspect I liked the best, That took a lot of thinking, before that I came to the conclusion that I really dont like anything. Friends are just there, I feel like ive lost Jessie to a bunch of people that I dont like all to much, and that makes me feel like such a bitch. Jessie is my best friend in the world. and she will always be the best friend i ever had, and now that other people discovered how wonderful she is, why arent i happy for her? i dont think that im jelous of them, I just want things back to the way it used to be. I think that last year, we were in exact opposite positions, I was making tons of friends, and she felt this way. But she can be more vocal about it. Instead i resort to my secret little livejournal, were people that i have never met before are looking at my life, and i really love that. Because people are getting to know me, which is awesome. Without labels and whatnot. People are giving me advice, and i love it, so if your reading this, i am seriously sorry about the ranting. but please comment, let me know how you feel. Beccas been an awesome friend, i can tell her anything, and when i actually am really talking to jessie, her too. Everyone else is sort of the friends that i have fun with, but i dont feel very needed or loved from them right now. Im not a very attention needy person, but I read in this birthday book the other day that the worst thing that can happen to a May 5th person is to completley be ignored. I was weirded out at how accurate it was. That really doesnt help because Daniel and I play this stupid game subconciously, where we decide to ignore eachother until one of us cracks. And I hate stupid games. Especailly since im the one to do it most of the time. Why do i suck so much?? I try and convince myself that I hate him, to get over him I guess. Im sick of waiting. Maybe I shouldnt wait, but i cant bring myself to do anything about it. I got a fortune from a fortune cookie that said that my love life will take a turn for the better, so maybe ill just run on that? thats incredibly lame. And for the first time in a year, im interested in someone else. Shucks, this sucks. I hate daniel. No i love him. fuck!!!