(no subject)
'You know, the only thing I can be is a writer. I'm absolutely unprepared for anything else. When you've lived the kind of life I have, you are good for nothing. Only writing can save you.'
Feeling as of late that it's just how things are going to be. Trying to prepare myself for more, and not really getting a response either way, leads me to believe that at least with my writing, I am free to be who I am and no one can take the words from my mouth, that is, unless they cut off my tongue.
Then they can't steal the words from my paper... unless they decide to get rid of my hands.
Then I will learn to use my mouth or feet.. but those can be taken from me as well, along with probably my life, if my mouth ever disappears.
You know what, I may be screwed either way, so until that day that some entity decides that it's time I stopped writing drivel and completely shut the hell up, I'm going to continue writing, since it's the only thing that brings me solace in this time.
Still waiting to hear back from a couple companies and not stopping with submitting other resumes just in case, and still waiting to hear from my father as to whether or not he will be able to help me fix the 'Doomobile'. I swear, that thing is a riding time bomb...
Also waiting for my mom to make up her mind as to whether or not she is going to help me out where the Volvo is concerned. I really need a working vehicle, bad.
Jack and I took the Bonneville to school today... it was like driving a freezer to Brentwood. It.. was soo effing cold out. And really, the temperature outside the car has been worse recently, but it still made me think that maybe I need to start stocking blankets into the dryer right before we leave in the morning just so that Jack can have something warm to snuggle into while we take the two minute drive to drop him off in the mornings.
Oh boy, can't wait till winter really hits. .. :(
I think the worst part about this weekend was how alone I felt. Jack wanted to do his own thing, and the other members of the family were off doing their thing, and this time I wasn't apparently in the wrong when I thought I was bothering them. I really was, with my need to get out of the house...
And they wondered why, when they came to calling at my house late Saturday night, I had a beer in one hand and a pencil in the other with the look of perpetual stone blankness on my face.
Did they do something wrong... they asked.
Was there something that I really needed earlier... they asked.
Nope. Not from you... chug a lug chug.
It's sad though. I cooked a pretty decent meal, and didn't have the heart to eat it. I cracked open that damned beer mom saw me with at the top of the stairs, and you know what, only half of it was drank in the matter of a two hour period... the rest got left behind in my musings over books and my written papers. I ended up throwing it out the next morning, telling myself that I really shouldn't open them when I know that I don't drink them.
Hell, the only time I touched my tv this weekend, the other 'baby' of my house, was when I decided to do my 'Bad-ass Bitches and Babes' night on Halloween. And even then, I really wasn't paying too much attention. My nose was in my composition book and my hands were covered in graphite from sharpening pencils all evening. Even went as far as to organize all my electronic equipment and... got a little OCD and rearranged my movies and video games into alphabetical order...
Technically, it wasn't so bad, I got rid of a ton of clutter, and the living room is immaculate now, and Jack was in bed on time, and I pseudo enjoyed my own company until around three in the morning when I realized that I should head to bed or I would never want to wake up to take Jack to school.... My hours are completely screwed up at this point.
But still...
I kind of expected more out of life... than being alone. All the time.
Being with your kid is one thing. Jack has this wonderful habit of getting into whatever he wants to within his own allowed limits.. and then ignoring the crap out of me.
It's not his job to entertain me, and frankly, you would think that I would be better at doing this whole entertaining myself thing since I used to have to do it all the time in school, between not having any friends, to having friends who are busy all the time, to having friends and a boyfriend who are busy all the time and our schedules are always messed up and we could never really hang out that much.
I was okay back then, what the hell happened that I can't find something to do now?
The only thing that I seem to be holding onto tighter than my own breath right now is my damned writing and reading.
And hope and faith that maybe something will change in my near future.
I still have the random... jerk.. here or there that claims that there really is no hope for what I want.
And If I lose that hope, then what do I have left? Nothing.
I would rather keep my hope, because to lose that hope would probably send me reeling into that sweet little land of psychosis, and drive me to crazy.
Because, as we all know, crazy just happens to be directly down the street from me, and a sharp left away. See, life really wouldn't have far to drive.
I'd rather keep my scant hope for the future, and what little sanity I have left, and continue on trying to make things work out for me.
I would rather not give up being bullheaded, it seems to work for me on occasion and I would rather keep it working by practicing it regularly. Seems I'm going to have plenty of time to practice it too, because as far as this whole... Luna situation has been, the cards say that I still have a long ways to go before I'm out of the woods.
At times, I kind of wish that I might have someone to commiserate to, someone who might at least understand what I may be going through, but to burden them with the thoughts in my head that I refuse to release would make me feel only that much worse. Most peoples lives are hard enough without having to deal with someone else's extra baggage.
Granted, I'm all for being the listening ear, and taking other people to heart, but sometimes it's kinda hard for me to do the same with others.
'Like me, you are human, after all, and we know what a joy and terror that is.'
Here's to hoping that God is still paying attention to me and Jack during prayers every day. Without him to lean on, I wonder where me and Jack would be.
'hope requires the contender
who sees no virtue in surrender
from the cradle to the bier,
the heart must persevere.'
Feeling as of late that it's just how things are going to be. Trying to prepare myself for more, and not really getting a response either way, leads me to believe that at least with my writing, I am free to be who I am and no one can take the words from my mouth, that is, unless they cut off my tongue.
Then they can't steal the words from my paper... unless they decide to get rid of my hands.
Then I will learn to use my mouth or feet.. but those can be taken from me as well, along with probably my life, if my mouth ever disappears.
You know what, I may be screwed either way, so until that day that some entity decides that it's time I stopped writing drivel and completely shut the hell up, I'm going to continue writing, since it's the only thing that brings me solace in this time.
Still waiting to hear back from a couple companies and not stopping with submitting other resumes just in case, and still waiting to hear from my father as to whether or not he will be able to help me fix the 'Doomobile'. I swear, that thing is a riding time bomb...
Also waiting for my mom to make up her mind as to whether or not she is going to help me out where the Volvo is concerned. I really need a working vehicle, bad.
Jack and I took the Bonneville to school today... it was like driving a freezer to Brentwood. It.. was soo effing cold out. And really, the temperature outside the car has been worse recently, but it still made me think that maybe I need to start stocking blankets into the dryer right before we leave in the morning just so that Jack can have something warm to snuggle into while we take the two minute drive to drop him off in the mornings.
Oh boy, can't wait till winter really hits. .. :(
I think the worst part about this weekend was how alone I felt. Jack wanted to do his own thing, and the other members of the family were off doing their thing, and this time I wasn't apparently in the wrong when I thought I was bothering them. I really was, with my need to get out of the house...
And they wondered why, when they came to calling at my house late Saturday night, I had a beer in one hand and a pencil in the other with the look of perpetual stone blankness on my face.
Did they do something wrong... they asked.
Was there something that I really needed earlier... they asked.
Nope. Not from you... chug a lug chug.
It's sad though. I cooked a pretty decent meal, and didn't have the heart to eat it. I cracked open that damned beer mom saw me with at the top of the stairs, and you know what, only half of it was drank in the matter of a two hour period... the rest got left behind in my musings over books and my written papers. I ended up throwing it out the next morning, telling myself that I really shouldn't open them when I know that I don't drink them.
Hell, the only time I touched my tv this weekend, the other 'baby' of my house, was when I decided to do my 'Bad-ass Bitches and Babes' night on Halloween. And even then, I really wasn't paying too much attention. My nose was in my composition book and my hands were covered in graphite from sharpening pencils all evening. Even went as far as to organize all my electronic equipment and... got a little OCD and rearranged my movies and video games into alphabetical order...
Technically, it wasn't so bad, I got rid of a ton of clutter, and the living room is immaculate now, and Jack was in bed on time, and I pseudo enjoyed my own company until around three in the morning when I realized that I should head to bed or I would never want to wake up to take Jack to school.... My hours are completely screwed up at this point.
But still...
I kind of expected more out of life... than being alone. All the time.
Being with your kid is one thing. Jack has this wonderful habit of getting into whatever he wants to within his own allowed limits.. and then ignoring the crap out of me.
It's not his job to entertain me, and frankly, you would think that I would be better at doing this whole entertaining myself thing since I used to have to do it all the time in school, between not having any friends, to having friends who are busy all the time, to having friends and a boyfriend who are busy all the time and our schedules are always messed up and we could never really hang out that much.
I was okay back then, what the hell happened that I can't find something to do now?
The only thing that I seem to be holding onto tighter than my own breath right now is my damned writing and reading.
And hope and faith that maybe something will change in my near future.
I still have the random... jerk.. here or there that claims that there really is no hope for what I want.
And If I lose that hope, then what do I have left? Nothing.
I would rather keep my hope, because to lose that hope would probably send me reeling into that sweet little land of psychosis, and drive me to crazy.
Because, as we all know, crazy just happens to be directly down the street from me, and a sharp left away. See, life really wouldn't have far to drive.
I'd rather keep my scant hope for the future, and what little sanity I have left, and continue on trying to make things work out for me.
I would rather not give up being bullheaded, it seems to work for me on occasion and I would rather keep it working by practicing it regularly. Seems I'm going to have plenty of time to practice it too, because as far as this whole... Luna situation has been, the cards say that I still have a long ways to go before I'm out of the woods.
At times, I kind of wish that I might have someone to commiserate to, someone who might at least understand what I may be going through, but to burden them with the thoughts in my head that I refuse to release would make me feel only that much worse. Most peoples lives are hard enough without having to deal with someone else's extra baggage.
Granted, I'm all for being the listening ear, and taking other people to heart, but sometimes it's kinda hard for me to do the same with others.
'Like me, you are human, after all, and we know what a joy and terror that is.'
Here's to hoping that God is still paying attention to me and Jack during prayers every day. Without him to lean on, I wonder where me and Jack would be.
'hope requires the contender
who sees no virtue in surrender
from the cradle to the bier,
the heart must persevere.'