Broken and lost
*sigh* This is it...
There is alot that has to be explained for most of my behaviors and many want to know but only those that are my friends can find out. I think this journal is going to change for a while to just be my postings for how I'm feeling and trying to go through this.
Well if this certain girl was my girlfriend, I'd say its over but that isn't the case sadly. I have been broken by her mostly what she has done to me...
I honestly thought we had a thing together long ago. Alot of people did. And a person came out of the blue and took her from me. I thought I left Florida to try and get away from majority of the problems that had bothered me, not start a new. I guess I'll go over the briefs...
During my 2nd term here (January) at UAT, there was this girl that came into my view who I had complications with in myself for. Not only is she beautiful as a goddess to me, she has been highly attractive, yet there was something about her that drew me to her. Usually its this that draws me to people that get me to the point that I would want to ask them out.
The thing about this is that when I finished High School and was waiting for college to start, I made a vow to never fall in love again til after college. I think it was that that started a curse for me.
This girl, I ended up finding out about alot of things. For starters, she has a kid. That sorta threw me off but I was like "I guess that isn't so bad." For this guy who I shall leave nameless as to avoid half of UAT finding out (since there are alot of members in the school here on Live journal), yet they'll probably figure it out, we'll call him Sheek, he I find out after a while that he kept for the most part trying to find girls at the school who are single but he's sligh on how he did it. He would talk, get to know the person enough to figure out if they were single, dating, married, or probably single and not looking. In some ways this isn't bad... until your going after some territory you don't want someone touching. He realised that he didn't want her because she had a kid (sort of dumb but anyways) and the big reason for it being that he has (at this point, probably had) a perfect credit history and he doesn't want it ruined by someone who has a kid. That was kind of like "ok... well I guess she isn't going to get you... not like she isn't wanting you anyway with your technology talk 24/7."
Later on, me and this girl would play around alot... one would be the tickling, the strength fights (try to find out if "my strength is higher than yours" type of game). Usually it would be me for like... 30 minutes and then she'd start having chances because then she'd be gaining ground because if I still have strength left, I would either let her or I would usually lose all strength left and have to "run" which is fun because she'd be chasing me and usually catch up to me. We'd also play around like me hugging her and stuff (nothing nasty now... this is a public post... no nasty unless I wanted to specify). Just friendly playing.
We'd also end up talking alot online. When me and her and Sheek went to the mall, she bought a Pay as you go phone and put both me and Sheek's number in. I put her number in my phone. We had alot of fun playing around, talking online, and all. She'd be happy despite hiding her sadness under certain situations.
It started getting to a point that we'd help each other. I got to a point where something happened with my bank and I ended up being below 100 that when I get the money on that friday, I was still under by like 4 dollars. So I pretty much was feeding off of other people. She would also help me in getting food as well. I would just like to be around her. When I got money, I would help her get some food when she would be hungry. Not just for payback, but because I wanted to. It was just... a feel I guess.
I was getting to points at nights that I was debating to myself about wanting to break my vow about love or not. When I had come to a conclusion that I wanted to break it and go out with her... she ended up telling me over IM that she wasn't sure if she was ready to date any guys just yet as at the time, she was still dealing with another guy that she had problems with (basically he didn't return the love or something) and as well (to me at the time in my thoughts) about the guy that supposedly "loved her" but just used her for the sex.
So I decided I was going to give her some time... like a week... well all of a sudden, Sheek decides to start invading my space and tickling her... more than me and doing alot more with her for a few days... then all of a sudden, they get her slammed to a sofa and hold hands. Both sides said the same thing "I was trying to let go but they weren't letting me." So it got me jealous. Then they'd be stuck holding hands.
It got to a point that I was having horrid sleep nights. Then it happened... he asked her out... but it was in the weirdest way... it got to the point that when me and her were talking, we were wondering what was up with him. Especially when one of my friends asked Sheek what was going on and he said the same thing back in the first time finding out about the kid that "I want nothing to do with her." Well somehow, he asked her out and somehow in her out of state mind, accepted it. Honestly, anyone would of gagged at how she accepts it because of what he said. "Your my girlfriend." I mean, yes, she has bi-polar and all but that should detract from a strange way of asking a person out.
So it had got me jealous, upset, even angered at myself. I was trying to deal, but even if he thought he wasn't showing me off, he was. He would start kissing her alot more in front of me, being all like "She's my first girlfriend" blah blah blah, etc.
Mind you, this guy Sheek is one of those Technology geeks. He loves technology and plays games alot. Mind you, his cooking is good as well, but not a person I'd consider ready enough to have a girl friend (unless it would be someone that had the same passions as he does with technology and all... then MAYBE, just maybe it would work).
She had a motivation now to continue with school some more. I had already been trying to help her and stuff to do school work and all and change her personality from shy to more outspoke. But being with Sheek, she has kind of reverted.
There was a point where it came to a 2 point decision. She needed to be closer to the school because trying to pick her up in the middle of no where was kind of hard to do alot and so it was like "She has to either be at someone's place." Well it was either my place or Sheek and his roommate's place. Now honestly, something was telling me I shouldn't let that happen. However, I couldn't have her at my place because even if she was at my place... I wouldn't really have the money for her to take the bus every morning for $1.25 and bring her in to school in the morning with my finance the way they were. So it was left to ask them for her to stay in their place... maybe in the living room. Well I found later on that she was sleeping alright... not really in the living room. Oh and showering together at times after a while.
Well it got to the point that she had to stay someplace for the break. Why? Because Sheek and his roomate were leaving for home for the break at t he end of the term. So what to do... Well offer her my place... I won't do anything to her. I'm loyal to myself and my values.
And so it started. She was with me at my place. Well a few things went on... one thing leads to another... and wam... we end up doing alot that even Sheek hasn't done. We end up seeing each other (clothes off) and all and helpped her shower and all. Well... this was all done without my parents knowing. In that whole week, Alot of things that were considered virgin for my body weren't anymore in a matter of a few days. I do have one thing left virgin but that is for you all to figure out. But yes, there were some sexual stuff that did go on.
After a while past the whole break, I kept wondering if anything was real or if she was playing with my emotions. Well the thing was, she was at the point before Sheek came along that she didn't like people playing with her emotions. So I wondered what was going on with us. She kept teasing me and wearing some nice stuff... skirts, dresses, and sometimes I'd lose the battle of resistance as she'd be continuing checking how far she'd push and we'd end up kissing or having some sexual play.
Latly though, Sheek would be ticking me off alot. He'd be doing alot more showing off, maybe put me off by some phrases he'd say and shit. This guy hasn't been treating her the way that she should be treated and has been "reaping the bad rewards" for it. Crying and all that. Well he also finished ticking me off when on thursday, this girl ends up having a severe case of Strepp Throat. Well it was getting to the point that she needed a ride to the hospital... however, all the people I knew of for car's weren't available. So then I told them that if it gets bad enough that even if they call her parents for a ride to the hospital, to call 911. She had to convince the guy first off to call her mother because the guy doesn't like her parents.
Note here: The guy doesn't like to use phones for the life of him. And he doesn't get that for any relationship, he needs to have some sort of line of respect with the parents. I have more respect with her parents and I have seen her daughter. He hasn't.
So anyway, back to friday, let me finish that up by saying that Sheek was needing a ride to the hospital to get the doctor's note of the why she hasn't been at work for thursday for that day (which if they did what I told them, she wouldn't have been worried very much about it). He annoyed me and then he basically said to me that I don't care for this girl and I wouldn't really care for her dying which means that the time that he called 911 but gave me the phone to talk with them was not caring, talking with her mom to fill her in was not caring, talkin with why she is not in class with the school is not caring, etc. The guy doesn't even get her phone number til about 3 weeks ago. Ya... mind you they have been together for almost 3 months now? WHAT THE HECK KIND OF CARE IS THAT AND HE DARES TO THROW THAT IN MY FACE!? I almost knocked him out for it.
Now is the time where something happened. It got to a point where between me and her, I'd be wondering if alot of my dreams were true and stuff... apparently Sheek decides to have sex unprotected yet they talked about having kids AFTER college and after they get a job and settle down with crap. Yet alot of the times, she would be doing things with me that was like "why are you doing this to me" kind of deal. Well yesterday, me and a friend bought her a Pregnancy Test because she has this thing that is supposed to prevent her from being pregnant by like 90% or something like that in her and I think something about pregnancy pills. The times before, it would be unprotected sex but pulling out at the last second or something when he would be at his... climax I guess. But then he's been finishing still unprotected. I'm thinking she is pregnant because in my heart, something tells me in this loud voice even though it is a small spot on my heart that she is pregnant and have been for the past week which has hurt me alot. We found that it came out negative but because she was still taking medications for alot of things, 1 for bi-polar, the others for strep throat, we didn't know if it was true so next week is supposed to be the next result and the week after is one more result if it comes out negative for the result before.
So today we ended up talking. Today came out to be a bad day. Me saying a few things. Maybe if I look at some of the things I said, I might regret them or not, I don't know. For now, basically she is actually getting a sort of priority going about wanting to drop college for now to take care of Kishi and to move into an apartment of her own in the same apartment complex which Sheek doesn't want. Mind you, he doesn't want her to go but he has to face facts, she has a child and althought reality had hit her about that portion, I think she can take care of her daughter and do work to support it. But he shouldn't be in the picture and so it got to a heated argument about it again about what is going on with me and her, so it got to the point where I said things after things that needed to be said and got to the last point that I know must of made her cry about saying "What about this, what about that... when will you realise how stupid this whole thing is with him? When your married with him for 5 years but end up with taking care of not only your kid but the 2nd kid that belongs to him when its too late to take back whatever has happened?"
So ya, she doesn't want to talk with me now for a while... it may be a week... maybe 2 weeks... who knows. When she wants to talk with me, she said she'll e-mail me. I don't know. I'm just lost and broken. With that, I think this whole thing took about 1 hour and 35 minutes to make.
The thing about me is that as stated before, I didn't want anything of the sex. I had never wanted it and I had vows of maybe losing alot of my virginities to only one person that I loved alot. The kissing I probably would of lost to anyone which wouldn't be soo bad. But since I lost my first kiss to her as well as most of my body to her, it also made a problem.
So people have talked with me and got a few things to ask me.
Q: What if she does realise it later... would you take her?
A: I don't know. Maybe I guess I will.
Q: Would you take care of her daughter?
A: Well Sheek would of wanted to have her taken away by the state which was wrong which I was glad she decided to not listen to him and take her. With me, I would have no problem taking care of her daughter.
Q: If she is pregnant, would you take care of the child that belongs to him?
A: Honestly, I don't think I would be able to handle it. You see, everytime I would look into that kid's eyes, I would see part of Sheek and for me, that isn't something I would want. It would maybe be different if I didn't know the person. But then again, maybe I wouldn't be going out wit hteh person if I knew they were pregnant.
Q: What if she comes to you WHILE she's pregnant and she wants you, will you accept her?
A: Again, you go back to the question before. The thing is I would honestly want to convince her to do something else but convincing a person and actually having them decide to do something is 2 different things. I can convince people to maybe buy cheap over buy expensive but something like this is more of I can try to convince you but what you decide, I have to respect weather I like it or not because its YOUR choice as well and besides, in this case, it is YOUR body.
I should of been working on my english work and my math work but I havn't been able to. I have been in such a wreck that it has been like... ugh. Work doesn't seem like something I want to do while this whole problem arises. She doesn't want to speak or see me right now, I don't know if I can stand it seeing her if she is pregnant. As it was, the whole time while she was feeling her area below the stomach line instinctivly, I was placing my hand their too which she didn't argue about. I was doing it instinctivly as well. Its like I know for sure she is pregnant.
I don't know, this guy though is possibly going to kill all chances of her even going back to college later on if she drops it soon and won't provide the health she needs. In fact, the only dreams left to answer for is the ones where she dies because of an asthma attack and the ones of him not knowing what to do kind of deal while married and have the kid... I hate these dreams into the futures... GAH I can't stand them.
I'm at the point that If she is pregnant and she realises it really late that the whole thing isn't right, then maybe I'll take her back, but I don't know anymore. I'm confused.
To the readers that read this far, I shall say thank you for reading this and if I can, get your friendly advise. I know that there are random people that read my journals and I don't update as often anymore as all this has me done but yea... it has bothered me.
Until next time, My next posts will probably be from now on just for how I feel and dealing because I am thinking I am not going to be in good shape for a while and even if I do get back into shape for anything, I think I'll probably won't be the same with this whole thing that goes on.
There is alot that has to be explained for most of my behaviors and many want to know but only those that are my friends can find out. I think this journal is going to change for a while to just be my postings for how I'm feeling and trying to go through this.
Well if this certain girl was my girlfriend, I'd say its over but that isn't the case sadly. I have been broken by her mostly what she has done to me...
I honestly thought we had a thing together long ago. Alot of people did. And a person came out of the blue and took her from me. I thought I left Florida to try and get away from majority of the problems that had bothered me, not start a new. I guess I'll go over the briefs...
During my 2nd term here (January) at UAT, there was this girl that came into my view who I had complications with in myself for. Not only is she beautiful as a goddess to me, she has been highly attractive, yet there was something about her that drew me to her. Usually its this that draws me to people that get me to the point that I would want to ask them out.
The thing about this is that when I finished High School and was waiting for college to start, I made a vow to never fall in love again til after college. I think it was that that started a curse for me.
This girl, I ended up finding out about alot of things. For starters, she has a kid. That sorta threw me off but I was like "I guess that isn't so bad." For this guy who I shall leave nameless as to avoid half of UAT finding out (since there are alot of members in the school here on Live journal), yet they'll probably figure it out, we'll call him Sheek, he I find out after a while that he kept for the most part trying to find girls at the school who are single but he's sligh on how he did it. He would talk, get to know the person enough to figure out if they were single, dating, married, or probably single and not looking. In some ways this isn't bad... until your going after some territory you don't want someone touching. He realised that he didn't want her because she had a kid (sort of dumb but anyways) and the big reason for it being that he has (at this point, probably had) a perfect credit history and he doesn't want it ruined by someone who has a kid. That was kind of like "ok... well I guess she isn't going to get you... not like she isn't wanting you anyway with your technology talk 24/7."
Later on, me and this girl would play around alot... one would be the tickling, the strength fights (try to find out if "my strength is higher than yours" type of game). Usually it would be me for like... 30 minutes and then she'd start having chances because then she'd be gaining ground because if I still have strength left, I would either let her or I would usually lose all strength left and have to "run" which is fun because she'd be chasing me and usually catch up to me. We'd also play around like me hugging her and stuff (nothing nasty now... this is a public post... no nasty unless I wanted to specify). Just friendly playing.
We'd also end up talking alot online. When me and her and Sheek went to the mall, she bought a Pay as you go phone and put both me and Sheek's number in. I put her number in my phone. We had alot of fun playing around, talking online, and all. She'd be happy despite hiding her sadness under certain situations.
It started getting to a point that we'd help each other. I got to a point where something happened with my bank and I ended up being below 100 that when I get the money on that friday, I was still under by like 4 dollars. So I pretty much was feeding off of other people. She would also help me in getting food as well. I would just like to be around her. When I got money, I would help her get some food when she would be hungry. Not just for payback, but because I wanted to. It was just... a feel I guess.
I was getting to points at nights that I was debating to myself about wanting to break my vow about love or not. When I had come to a conclusion that I wanted to break it and go out with her... she ended up telling me over IM that she wasn't sure if she was ready to date any guys just yet as at the time, she was still dealing with another guy that she had problems with (basically he didn't return the love or something) and as well (to me at the time in my thoughts) about the guy that supposedly "loved her" but just used her for the sex.
So I decided I was going to give her some time... like a week... well all of a sudden, Sheek decides to start invading my space and tickling her... more than me and doing alot more with her for a few days... then all of a sudden, they get her slammed to a sofa and hold hands. Both sides said the same thing "I was trying to let go but they weren't letting me." So it got me jealous. Then they'd be stuck holding hands.
It got to a point that I was having horrid sleep nights. Then it happened... he asked her out... but it was in the weirdest way... it got to the point that when me and her were talking, we were wondering what was up with him. Especially when one of my friends asked Sheek what was going on and he said the same thing back in the first time finding out about the kid that "I want nothing to do with her." Well somehow, he asked her out and somehow in her out of state mind, accepted it. Honestly, anyone would of gagged at how she accepts it because of what he said. "Your my girlfriend." I mean, yes, she has bi-polar and all but that should detract from a strange way of asking a person out.
So it had got me jealous, upset, even angered at myself. I was trying to deal, but even if he thought he wasn't showing me off, he was. He would start kissing her alot more in front of me, being all like "She's my first girlfriend" blah blah blah, etc.
Mind you, this guy Sheek is one of those Technology geeks. He loves technology and plays games alot. Mind you, his cooking is good as well, but not a person I'd consider ready enough to have a girl friend (unless it would be someone that had the same passions as he does with technology and all... then MAYBE, just maybe it would work).
She had a motivation now to continue with school some more. I had already been trying to help her and stuff to do school work and all and change her personality from shy to more outspoke. But being with Sheek, she has kind of reverted.
There was a point where it came to a 2 point decision. She needed to be closer to the school because trying to pick her up in the middle of no where was kind of hard to do alot and so it was like "She has to either be at someone's place." Well it was either my place or Sheek and his roommate's place. Now honestly, something was telling me I shouldn't let that happen. However, I couldn't have her at my place because even if she was at my place... I wouldn't really have the money for her to take the bus every morning for $1.25 and bring her in to school in the morning with my finance the way they were. So it was left to ask them for her to stay in their place... maybe in the living room. Well I found later on that she was sleeping alright... not really in the living room. Oh and showering together at times after a while.
Well it got to the point that she had to stay someplace for the break. Why? Because Sheek and his roomate were leaving for home for the break at t he end of the term. So what to do... Well offer her my place... I won't do anything to her. I'm loyal to myself and my values.
And so it started. She was with me at my place. Well a few things went on... one thing leads to another... and wam... we end up doing alot that even Sheek hasn't done. We end up seeing each other (clothes off) and all and helpped her shower and all. Well... this was all done without my parents knowing. In that whole week, Alot of things that were considered virgin for my body weren't anymore in a matter of a few days. I do have one thing left virgin but that is for you all to figure out. But yes, there were some sexual stuff that did go on.
After a while past the whole break, I kept wondering if anything was real or if she was playing with my emotions. Well the thing was, she was at the point before Sheek came along that she didn't like people playing with her emotions. So I wondered what was going on with us. She kept teasing me and wearing some nice stuff... skirts, dresses, and sometimes I'd lose the battle of resistance as she'd be continuing checking how far she'd push and we'd end up kissing or having some sexual play.
Latly though, Sheek would be ticking me off alot. He'd be doing alot more showing off, maybe put me off by some phrases he'd say and shit. This guy hasn't been treating her the way that she should be treated and has been "reaping the bad rewards" for it. Crying and all that. Well he also finished ticking me off when on thursday, this girl ends up having a severe case of Strepp Throat. Well it was getting to the point that she needed a ride to the hospital... however, all the people I knew of for car's weren't available. So then I told them that if it gets bad enough that even if they call her parents for a ride to the hospital, to call 911. She had to convince the guy first off to call her mother because the guy doesn't like her parents.
Note here: The guy doesn't like to use phones for the life of him. And he doesn't get that for any relationship, he needs to have some sort of line of respect with the parents. I have more respect with her parents and I have seen her daughter. He hasn't.
So anyway, back to friday, let me finish that up by saying that Sheek was needing a ride to the hospital to get the doctor's note of the why she hasn't been at work for thursday for that day (which if they did what I told them, she wouldn't have been worried very much about it). He annoyed me and then he basically said to me that I don't care for this girl and I wouldn't really care for her dying which means that the time that he called 911 but gave me the phone to talk with them was not caring, talking with her mom to fill her in was not caring, talkin with why she is not in class with the school is not caring, etc. The guy doesn't even get her phone number til about 3 weeks ago. Ya... mind you they have been together for almost 3 months now? WHAT THE HECK KIND OF CARE IS THAT AND HE DARES TO THROW THAT IN MY FACE!? I almost knocked him out for it.
Now is the time where something happened. It got to a point where between me and her, I'd be wondering if alot of my dreams were true and stuff... apparently Sheek decides to have sex unprotected yet they talked about having kids AFTER college and after they get a job and settle down with crap. Yet alot of the times, she would be doing things with me that was like "why are you doing this to me" kind of deal. Well yesterday, me and a friend bought her a Pregnancy Test because she has this thing that is supposed to prevent her from being pregnant by like 90% or something like that in her and I think something about pregnancy pills. The times before, it would be unprotected sex but pulling out at the last second or something when he would be at his... climax I guess. But then he's been finishing still unprotected. I'm thinking she is pregnant because in my heart, something tells me in this loud voice even though it is a small spot on my heart that she is pregnant and have been for the past week which has hurt me alot. We found that it came out negative but because she was still taking medications for alot of things, 1 for bi-polar, the others for strep throat, we didn't know if it was true so next week is supposed to be the next result and the week after is one more result if it comes out negative for the result before.
So today we ended up talking. Today came out to be a bad day. Me saying a few things. Maybe if I look at some of the things I said, I might regret them or not, I don't know. For now, basically she is actually getting a sort of priority going about wanting to drop college for now to take care of Kishi and to move into an apartment of her own in the same apartment complex which Sheek doesn't want. Mind you, he doesn't want her to go but he has to face facts, she has a child and althought reality had hit her about that portion, I think she can take care of her daughter and do work to support it. But he shouldn't be in the picture and so it got to a heated argument about it again about what is going on with me and her, so it got to the point where I said things after things that needed to be said and got to the last point that I know must of made her cry about saying "What about this, what about that... when will you realise how stupid this whole thing is with him? When your married with him for 5 years but end up with taking care of not only your kid but the 2nd kid that belongs to him when its too late to take back whatever has happened?"
So ya, she doesn't want to talk with me now for a while... it may be a week... maybe 2 weeks... who knows. When she wants to talk with me, she said she'll e-mail me. I don't know. I'm just lost and broken. With that, I think this whole thing took about 1 hour and 35 minutes to make.
The thing about me is that as stated before, I didn't want anything of the sex. I had never wanted it and I had vows of maybe losing alot of my virginities to only one person that I loved alot. The kissing I probably would of lost to anyone which wouldn't be soo bad. But since I lost my first kiss to her as well as most of my body to her, it also made a problem.
So people have talked with me and got a few things to ask me.
Q: What if she does realise it later... would you take her?
A: I don't know. Maybe I guess I will.
Q: Would you take care of her daughter?
A: Well Sheek would of wanted to have her taken away by the state which was wrong which I was glad she decided to not listen to him and take her. With me, I would have no problem taking care of her daughter.
Q: If she is pregnant, would you take care of the child that belongs to him?
A: Honestly, I don't think I would be able to handle it. You see, everytime I would look into that kid's eyes, I would see part of Sheek and for me, that isn't something I would want. It would maybe be different if I didn't know the person. But then again, maybe I wouldn't be going out wit hteh person if I knew they were pregnant.
Q: What if she comes to you WHILE she's pregnant and she wants you, will you accept her?
A: Again, you go back to the question before. The thing is I would honestly want to convince her to do something else but convincing a person and actually having them decide to do something is 2 different things. I can convince people to maybe buy cheap over buy expensive but something like this is more of I can try to convince you but what you decide, I have to respect weather I like it or not because its YOUR choice as well and besides, in this case, it is YOUR body.
I should of been working on my english work and my math work but I havn't been able to. I have been in such a wreck that it has been like... ugh. Work doesn't seem like something I want to do while this whole problem arises. She doesn't want to speak or see me right now, I don't know if I can stand it seeing her if she is pregnant. As it was, the whole time while she was feeling her area below the stomach line instinctivly, I was placing my hand their too which she didn't argue about. I was doing it instinctivly as well. Its like I know for sure she is pregnant.
I don't know, this guy though is possibly going to kill all chances of her even going back to college later on if she drops it soon and won't provide the health she needs. In fact, the only dreams left to answer for is the ones where she dies because of an asthma attack and the ones of him not knowing what to do kind of deal while married and have the kid... I hate these dreams into the futures... GAH I can't stand them.
I'm at the point that If she is pregnant and she realises it really late that the whole thing isn't right, then maybe I'll take her back, but I don't know anymore. I'm confused.
To the readers that read this far, I shall say thank you for reading this and if I can, get your friendly advise. I know that there are random people that read my journals and I don't update as often anymore as all this has me done but yea... it has bothered me.
Until next time, My next posts will probably be from now on just for how I feel and dealing because I am thinking I am not going to be in good shape for a while and even if I do get back into shape for anything, I think I'll probably won't be the same with this whole thing that goes on.