blech.
I'm so glad that i have headphones and the sneakerpimps album "splinter", shit, *is* that the album title?
I just finished my lab for Research methods.
Today was interesting in that I got to spend time and talk with Kionne..and have a nice heart to heart. she's going through serious shit right now at the worst time ever...life questions, deaths in the family right before christmas...i tried to be a good friend
I also had a heart to heart with one of the foreign exchange students in my research methods class, Benny (short for Benedicte)..she's french. She's really awesome, but yeah she's going through stuff as well, possessive boyfriend...death in the family.
I know college is like..a rite of passage...but us overachievers are going through hell these days for some reason. It can't just be the time of year...or finals, or growing pains. There's something going on that i'm really just not used to, or maybe it's more...don't want to be used to.
Or maybe what it is is...growing up and life.
The heavy, machinistic reality that our capitalistic society has created for me, is just not working.
I find myself constantly trying to rip through extremely thick and suffocating plastic...with my knuckles.
I mean, I'm so over it...I don't want to "grow up". I want to be able to deal with whatever life throws, but I'm just not the type to give my soul to nothingness.
I don't know where the hell I'm going with this, but I guess it comes out of the fact that I'm really supposed to be working on a paper that's about three weeks late. I don't want to write the damn thing and at this point I'm just like "Why the hell should i write it now? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?"
Hell to the naw.
The last session I had with the counselor we discussed how I need to accept and forgive the fact that I went through a period of mild depression and it caused me to be behind in my work (goddamn paper!). I mean, I'm still having trouble with it these days...I hate that I'm not fully on top of things...I hate that this paper hasn't been done and I'll probably get a A- or less in the class. I mean, that's no big deal in the long run, but if i never went through the whole depression thing that you can't control, this would not have happened. And that's why it doesn't make any sense to think and feel that way, but..I'm a crazy perfectionist with control issues lol. If I were talking to someone who was doing what I was doing I'd be all "Oh my gosh, don't be so hard on yourself you're human!"...but look at me. Really though, I need to do this paper for me...I've been talking to Dr. Gewin about things related..and we realized that we have the same personalities and she's gone through just about everything i'm going through right now. It's just about accepting that you can't be perfect and that it's okay not to be...I'm in denial. I thought that I was over the serious perfectionism thing, but I'm so not. I mean, it won't just go away, I'm sure it'll come back every now and then...but I really need it to just go.
Like I always say, I'm actually feeling better these days. I'm really just pissed off about the fact that I have to do a paper. I'm so paralyzed by the fact that the last time I worked on the paper I spent four and a half hours in the computer lab and produced only 2 freaking paragraphs. Since then I haven't even looked at my rough draft. I've gotta get over the fear of not completing this paper.
I mean it's making me feel handicapped or like a complete idiot.
But I'm not an idiot, of course..I just need to relax.
The only thing I can think of right now, is going back to my dorm, waking Derrick up with a blow job and having amazing sex and forgetting all about this whole paper thing.
I'm so indifferent at the moment...I'm like...who the hell cares?
And you know what?! I still haven't gotten my last paycheck from AMHA which is almost three hundred dollars..and! Because of that, and the fact that I have about 30 bucks in my bank account, I am late on two of my fucking credit cards! Awesome huh? I'm never late...and because of the lateness, they have tacked on lovely fees, and so I owe almost a hundred bucks to each company. On top of that, because I haven't gotten this check, I haven't been able to buy the book I need for class. So I'm still behind in Core. Ha. I have a paper that's late, and now I'm not even up on the reading.
So that's what's up...and frankly the sex has been incredible, the people in my life are great, the music i've been listening to has been keeping me in good spirits---so i could care less right now about a paper.
I want to write letters, and dance, and drink and do arts and crafts or something. i don't want to do school anymore!!!!!!
I know it's about that time for students to feel this way...I'm not the only one. I really need some motivation. I wanted to have that paper done by tonight right...so tell me why I haven't looked at it all day?
Ugh..this entry is so freaking boring lol. I just facebooked laura and was like "yeah so if you're bored, check out my lj" and now I'm like..oh god...if she does and this is the first thing she reads that would suck. But hey, at least I'm writing again.
I have the energy to do the work..I'm gonna try to do it. wish me luck.
peace and more peace
--Evi
I just finished my lab for Research methods.
Today was interesting in that I got to spend time and talk with Kionne..and have a nice heart to heart. she's going through serious shit right now at the worst time ever...life questions, deaths in the family right before christmas...i tried to be a good friend
I also had a heart to heart with one of the foreign exchange students in my research methods class, Benny (short for Benedicte)..she's french. She's really awesome, but yeah she's going through stuff as well, possessive boyfriend...death in the family.
I know college is like..a rite of passage...but us overachievers are going through hell these days for some reason. It can't just be the time of year...or finals, or growing pains. There's something going on that i'm really just not used to, or maybe it's more...don't want to be used to.
Or maybe what it is is...growing up and life.
The heavy, machinistic reality that our capitalistic society has created for me, is just not working.
I find myself constantly trying to rip through extremely thick and suffocating plastic...with my knuckles.
I mean, I'm so over it...I don't want to "grow up". I want to be able to deal with whatever life throws, but I'm just not the type to give my soul to nothingness.
I don't know where the hell I'm going with this, but I guess it comes out of the fact that I'm really supposed to be working on a paper that's about three weeks late. I don't want to write the damn thing and at this point I'm just like "Why the hell should i write it now? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?"
Hell to the naw.
The last session I had with the counselor we discussed how I need to accept and forgive the fact that I went through a period of mild depression and it caused me to be behind in my work (goddamn paper!). I mean, I'm still having trouble with it these days...I hate that I'm not fully on top of things...I hate that this paper hasn't been done and I'll probably get a A- or less in the class. I mean, that's no big deal in the long run, but if i never went through the whole depression thing that you can't control, this would not have happened. And that's why it doesn't make any sense to think and feel that way, but..I'm a crazy perfectionist with control issues lol. If I were talking to someone who was doing what I was doing I'd be all "Oh my gosh, don't be so hard on yourself you're human!"...but look at me. Really though, I need to do this paper for me...I've been talking to Dr. Gewin about things related..and we realized that we have the same personalities and she's gone through just about everything i'm going through right now. It's just about accepting that you can't be perfect and that it's okay not to be...I'm in denial. I thought that I was over the serious perfectionism thing, but I'm so not. I mean, it won't just go away, I'm sure it'll come back every now and then...but I really need it to just go.
Like I always say, I'm actually feeling better these days. I'm really just pissed off about the fact that I have to do a paper. I'm so paralyzed by the fact that the last time I worked on the paper I spent four and a half hours in the computer lab and produced only 2 freaking paragraphs. Since then I haven't even looked at my rough draft. I've gotta get over the fear of not completing this paper.
I mean it's making me feel handicapped or like a complete idiot.
But I'm not an idiot, of course..I just need to relax.
The only thing I can think of right now, is going back to my dorm, waking Derrick up with a blow job and having amazing sex and forgetting all about this whole paper thing.
I'm so indifferent at the moment...I'm like...who the hell cares?
And you know what?! I still haven't gotten my last paycheck from AMHA which is almost three hundred dollars..and! Because of that, and the fact that I have about 30 bucks in my bank account, I am late on two of my fucking credit cards! Awesome huh? I'm never late...and because of the lateness, they have tacked on lovely fees, and so I owe almost a hundred bucks to each company. On top of that, because I haven't gotten this check, I haven't been able to buy the book I need for class. So I'm still behind in Core. Ha. I have a paper that's late, and now I'm not even up on the reading.
So that's what's up...and frankly the sex has been incredible, the people in my life are great, the music i've been listening to has been keeping me in good spirits---so i could care less right now about a paper.
I want to write letters, and dance, and drink and do arts and crafts or something. i don't want to do school anymore!!!!!!
I know it's about that time for students to feel this way...I'm not the only one. I really need some motivation. I wanted to have that paper done by tonight right...so tell me why I haven't looked at it all day?
Ugh..this entry is so freaking boring lol. I just facebooked laura and was like "yeah so if you're bored, check out my lj" and now I'm like..oh god...if she does and this is the first thing she reads that would suck. But hey, at least I'm writing again.
I have the energy to do the work..I'm gonna try to do it. wish me luck.
peace and more peace
--Evi