This is just stupid.
This talks about some kind of personal and sensitive stuff, but at the same time I don't feel the need to lock it. Definitely keeping it off feeds though. Is that weird? That I don't want anyone to see it on their f-lists, but I don't want to lock it either? I don't know. Might delete it later.
Tonight was so boring that I decided to go have a run on the treadmill instead of reading books and refreshing the meme every few minutes. But then again, I'd been kind of thinking about it anyway.
I could say that I just want to get used to walking at an incline for vacation, because Halifax is pretty hilly, but I'd be lying through my teeth.
In some ways, I feel like I might as well not even bother. Even if I do manage to lose weight and get fit (ha ha, yeah right, like that will happen) I'll still be unattractive. I'm always going to be unattractive.
It wouldn't be that big a deal, except that every so often I run into some asshole who feels the need to point it out, and then I'm reminded that oh, yeah, people do make value judgments on me about the way that I look, and they don't go by how I act or what I say or even how I dress, but by what my face looks like. And it just makes me feel so shitty to know that people think that I'm worth less than other people just because I'm not much to look at.
Hell, I'm not even hideous; it's not like I look like some toad or something. I'd place myself at average, maybe on the lower end of average. But not hideous. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people, whether it's the influence of Hollywood or something, that they expect everyone to look like movie stars or whatever - but it's just plain ridiculous.
Still makes me feel like shit though.
And I tell myself that all this walking I try to do lately is for my health, that it's all about getting into shape and looking after myself so that I won't have a heart attack like my mum did, because that thought scares the shit out of me, but really it isn't that at all. It's like I'm operating under some delusion that if I get fit then maybe I'll look okay. But that isn't so. Even if I did that, I still wouldn't look okay.
Oh my gods, this shit is so fucking ridiculous, and it's just one big wall of whining. But I can't help it. Lately I keep having these moments where all I want to do is never eat another thing and just run on the treadmill until I collapse. Those feelings don't last very long, and I know they're ridiculous, but they're there, and it's kind of scary and frustrating.
Man, it seems like every time my life is going somewhat okay, my brain finds another way to fuck me up. Ugh, I hate myself so much.
Tonight was so boring that I decided to go have a run on the treadmill instead of reading books and refreshing the meme every few minutes. But then again, I'd been kind of thinking about it anyway.
I could say that I just want to get used to walking at an incline for vacation, because Halifax is pretty hilly, but I'd be lying through my teeth.
In some ways, I feel like I might as well not even bother. Even if I do manage to lose weight and get fit (ha ha, yeah right, like that will happen) I'll still be unattractive. I'm always going to be unattractive.
It wouldn't be that big a deal, except that every so often I run into some asshole who feels the need to point it out, and then I'm reminded that oh, yeah, people do make value judgments on me about the way that I look, and they don't go by how I act or what I say or even how I dress, but by what my face looks like. And it just makes me feel so shitty to know that people think that I'm worth less than other people just because I'm not much to look at.
Hell, I'm not even hideous; it's not like I look like some toad or something. I'd place myself at average, maybe on the lower end of average. But not hideous. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people, whether it's the influence of Hollywood or something, that they expect everyone to look like movie stars or whatever - but it's just plain ridiculous.
Still makes me feel like shit though.
And I tell myself that all this walking I try to do lately is for my health, that it's all about getting into shape and looking after myself so that I won't have a heart attack like my mum did, because that thought scares the shit out of me, but really it isn't that at all. It's like I'm operating under some delusion that if I get fit then maybe I'll look okay. But that isn't so. Even if I did that, I still wouldn't look okay.
Oh my gods, this shit is so fucking ridiculous, and it's just one big wall of whining. But I can't help it. Lately I keep having these moments where all I want to do is never eat another thing and just run on the treadmill until I collapse. Those feelings don't last very long, and I know they're ridiculous, but they're there, and it's kind of scary and frustrating.
Man, it seems like every time my life is going somewhat okay, my brain finds another way to fuck me up. Ugh, I hate myself so much.