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I hate whining because I tend to feel like I don't do anything except whine all the time and it makes me feel like I must really annoy everybody because I never stop whining.
It's just, today sucked. It wasn't earth-shatteringly awful but it did suck, mostly because there were a ton of things that were kind of uncool or just plain bad on their own, but when it was all combined together it just turned into one big suck.
It's just a pain that it's so cold out, freaking unseasonably bad -30C, and for the last two days I've had to walk around in it and I'm so sick of the cold. And I had to mail things and it's so frustrating that the post costs so damn much; I had to pay twenty bucks to mail Tik her package and that wasn't even with a tracking number, and gods know when it'll get there. At least I can afford to pay to send people presents this year but the thought of how much it's going to cost me to do the giftmas thing is making me feel kind of ill.
And I've been experiencing a whole lot of frustration relating to self-image and esteem or lack thereof and the fact that nothing ever looks good on me, ever, and I was unpacking such awesome clothes at work yesterday but I can't afford them and even if I could they wouldn't look good on me. And it feels like Luck is out to get me, because I went down to Zellers to grab one of those olympic Canada sweaters that they had left and they didn't have my size and it's just -- combined with what was previously mentioned, even though I know (logically) that it was just sold out, I just, I feel really awful about myself. I fucking hate buying clothes.
I mean, okay, all that is kind of a pain and it's just annoying. But it got worse when I got home.
I just hate it, you know, I come home and mum's in a foul mood and she's yelling and I just want to curl up under the bed and hide there forever because I hate it, I don't want to deal with it. And it lasts all night and I just want to go away but I can't.
Supper is always worse because everything's all tense and I'm expected to talk even though I don't want to and there's nothing to say anyway. And she gets onto these topics and it just makes me cringe - she always ends up saying ignorant shit or racist shit or things along that line and I just can't stand it. I don't know why the hell she thinks it's appropriate supper conversation. No, mum, I really don't want to hear your thoughts on Africa, you ignorant, racist, horrible person. And I really want to say something but I can't because I don't want to get yelled at and it isn't as if saying something would accomplish anything anyway, because she'd be entirely dismissive of it and not take anything I say seriously, because she never does, and she'd still be an ignorant piece of shit and I'd be upset and it's just, it sucks.
And I don't want to be here, but I can't go anywhere because it's late and I don't have anywhere to go anyway, and even if I could drive there wouldn't really be anywhere for me to go, so I can't get out of this house.
So I'm stuck sitting here with the door closed and I keep doing online jigsaw puzzles over and over to keep myself from going crazy from nothing to do. And I really should be working on giftmas presents or something but I'm so upset that I don't think I can concentrate on that, I'd be dropping stitches all over the place I bet. And I wish I could do something else but I'm pretty much stuck here because I can't go out of my room because mum's still pissy and she'd probably say something to make me even more upset and I'm kind of crying and if she saw that the result wouldn't be good at all so I kind of have to stay here.
And I wish I had friends. I mean, online friends are great, but we can't do things together, I can't go over to their house and we can't make popcorn and watch bad movies and laugh at the horrible acting and cliche plotlines. We can't go down to the cafe to have coffee and a study session, and we can't do roadtrips together. And I just get so fucking lonely here, and normally I can manage it all right I guess, but right now I'm sick of it.
And I wish I could just get away from all this. I keep saying it, but I really wish I could just pick up and wander away and go live in a tent, get away from all of it. People say "Oh, that's cute, you want to be like Snufkin" but really I just, I wish I was able to do that, just go whereever I want, that I could be like that. No commitment, no obligation to anyone, nothing tying me down. Him, he goes wherever he wants, he does whatever he wants, and it seems to me that it's such a happy existence. Doing only what one wants to do. And in the end, there's always something to come back to. I know it's not realistic, I know life doesn't work like that, but I wish it could work like that.
I just, ugh, I'm so frustrated and upset and sick of everything. I'll be fine tomorrow but right now I'm not so good, I guess.
That was long and stupid but I feel slightly better now.