Dried Flowers
DISCLAIMER: I don't own D. Gray-man, UNFORTUNATELY all is into the hands of that crazy woman whose name is hoshino... Because if it was otherwise... D. Gray-man manga wouldn't have become a shapeless and disgusting jumble of nonsenses, and Lavi would have been together with Kanda from a VERY LONG TIME!
WARNING: YAOI hints - if you don't know what this word means, or if you don't like boy/boy relationship this story is not for you, don't say I didn't tell you! You know the song, DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!
This is my first time at writing a songfic, even if it's a multichapter's one. Four songs, four chapters.
Why a songfic? Well, it was what I had to work on for a contest, so I just used the opportunity to fix a couple of things...
Since it was a contest (you can think of it like a kink meme) I didn't choose the song, or more precisely the judge gave to each challenger a set of ten song and the right to choose up to five of them. For what I had in mind four of them suited really good, so four it was.
The song for this first chapter is "You Give Love a Bad Name" di Bon Jovi. I think it fit Kanda really well...
And, on another note, this is also my only way to keep living in this fandom. It will be pretty much clear on the last two chapters.
So! Beta is aquatix, thank you so much for your precious help! *BOWS*
As always, if you spot any error it's my fault, for changing something the beta suggested XD
DRIED FLOWERS
Chapter 1: Shot Through the Heart
When I met him the first time, I was sure that I would end up killing the idiot. His way of doing, behaving towards me, brought blood to my eyes with amazing speed.
Not that I've ever been the patient type, but that caricature of Exorcist who dared to even call me by my first name beat all records. He mocked me showing no fear, each time challenging the blade of my faithful Innocence, Mugen.
I've never imagined it would end up like this. If someone had told me that the idiot with his ridiculous red hair would stole my heart, I would have mercilessly beaten up that person.
Instead, without even realizing it, I found myself in bed with him. Lavi got round me step by step, slowly imposing his presence like it was a game; and I, naive as I am, fell into his trap, lending
myself unreservedly to his playing fast and loose with me, chasing him with unsheathed sword for every trifle thing.
Until, to my great horror, I realized he had become so important to me to replace the air I breathed.
And then it was too late to turn back.
In vain I tried to convince myself to ignore the feeling I discovered inside me, repeating in a continuous cycle that it was wrong, that Lavi would never reciprocate. That for him being around me was only a pastime, the umpteenth sham related to his being a Bookman.
How wrong I was. On the night he gave me my first kiss, when he came to me with the serious look of someone who has a really important thing to say, I should have realized something was wrong.
"Why do ya avoid me?" He said in a hurt tone, almost as if I had committed a heinous crime against him trying to protect myself. "Why 'r ya lyin' to your heart?" he added seizing me by the shoulders and pushing my body against the wall, his lips joining mine to my dismay.
As if he knew something about a heart or feelings. Che.
I had to rebel, I was aware of it and I really wanted to, but what I was trying so desperately to deny took the upper hand over everything else; my arms clasped around Lavi's back and my mouth opened to better accept that perverse contact.
I knew it was forbidden, that Lavi was probably lying to me, but I wasn't concerned by it anymore.
I yield myself to him without any opposition, I accepted his words of love, but without believing any of them; it was obvious that he would stay with me just as long as the current war allowed him.
And yet I dreamed that it wasn't this way.
When the realization of what that desire meant hit me, I knew I was lost.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
Darlin' you give love a bad name"
Watching him sleep next to me produced a strange effect inside myself. I wasn't used to sharing space in such an intimate manner, I had never accepted physical contact with anyone else before; experiencing the urge to run my fingers through his flaming red hair, so suddenly, left me confused.
But I restrained myself, because if I woke him up he would pester me for days pointing out my weakness and associating it with my feelings for him, which I kept to deny.
Ridiculous, right? I allowed him to possess my body yet I refused to say how important he was for me, reducing everything to the raw sexual act.
Lust. Mortal Sin. It so suited both of us, ironically.
I was hoping he would never realize that it wasn't so, but that, in fact, he did own my heart too. Or maybe Lavi knew it, but he didn't care as long as he could continue to have me.
A sigh escaped my lips as I saw him smile in that special way of his, somewhere between innocent and mischievous, that so drove me crazy, with anger as well as with something else I preferred not to think about.
Fortunately, my healing abilities allowed me to show no physical sign of the lust I indulged in during my nights with Lavi.
My body hid this embarrassing secret, really well, the forbidden relationship that tied me up, body and soul, to the apprentice Bookman.
He, however, didn't seem to care that if we had been caught, his old man would severely punish him and force him to depart from the Black Order, while I probably would be processed by the high leaders as had just happened to moyashi.
The only positive thing was the end of dreams. When I realized it I thought I was wrong and I waited for the next unwanted memory to resurface, but... there were no others.
No more flowers, no more death visions, no more her. I long questioned myself about the true reason behind it, and I finally decided that the one answer could only be Lavi.
Having found my own important person must have broken the curse. Yes, it had to be it. So the idiot had done at least something good for me, other than throw my life into confusion making me fall in love with him, without any hope of escaping such an uncomfortable and embarrassing feeling.
"Ya'r awake, Yuu-chan?" Lavi suddenly said, slipping an arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him.
He smiled at me, taking my breath away when his single green eye was fixed into mine, his face lit up with joy that seemed so damn sincere, but I knew too well it just was a deception.
A Bookman doesn't feel, they observe and collect information, and I, as a second Exorcist, was a valuable subject to research on.
"Che. It's obvious." I replied curtly.
Nevertheless, I let him embrace me and drew me back into the sheets, guide me in a passionate kiss, touching all over me in a way which I couldn't do without.
"An angel's smile is what you sell
You promised me heaven then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison you can not break free"
I wondered if anyone had noticed the movement around my room when Lavi and I were at the Headquarters at the same time as me. Ignoring we was running a big risk deciding this, my lodging was the place where we met every night.
I didn't know how Lavi would justify those absences of his to Bookman, and frankly, I wasn't even interested. All I wanted was to have him for me, his kisses, his caresses, our bodies tangled together.
Yes, I was aware that I had become completely dependent on him, that the acts to which I abandoned myself could only be called by the name of lust.
I also felt terribly guilty for how the whole thing had reduced me, but I couldn't draw myself out of it.
No, it was even worse, I didn't want to drag myself out, for that relationship to end.
"Oh! You're a loaded gun, yeah
Oh! There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done"
Lavi was behaving more and more like an affectionate lover, his every gesture, each word of love, was vibrating as if the expressed passion was a living thing. I so dreamed that it could be real to drown in the feeling that hearing him speak evoked in me.
But every time that phrase, "I love you, Yuu", made it past from his lips I forced myself to answer with one of my annoyed "Che".
In order to not give Lavi the satisfaction of knowing that he had broken me.
In order to prevent Lavi from understanding that I really loved him, hopelessly, completely, body and soul.
Because I knew that if he discovered it, if he had been certain about, Lavi would leave me. As long as everything remained as just sex, we could continue to be together.
If one of us had let himself be truly involved with the other, betraying to feel real love, anything we had between us would have ended at the very moment. And I didn't want to lose him.
In spite of the fact that for the Black Order's leaders our relationship was a Mortal Sin, as sodomy we committed, and the awareness that, for Lavi, I was just a pastime in which his actual persona had indulged into, I would have done everything to prevent it from ending.
Lavi's behavior broke the rules of his clan, from the little I knew about Bookmen, and yet he seemed determined to continue our little perverse game.
I found myself wondering about what would happen if Lavi had left the clan for me. Oh, if only it was possible!
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
Hey, you give love a bad name"
Watching him speaking with Lenalee and moyashi, with the scientists, or simply to a Finder, was terribly annoying, the fake attitude Lavi kept was unbearable; and the thing that made me boil inside was his habit to keep that foolish smile even in critical situations in which coldness and seriousness were requested.
But Lavi smiled at me in that disarming way even after getting a full hit by an Akuma, his blood stained fingers that touched my anxious face, like he was timidly trying to reassure me about his condition.
He looked like a naughty schoolboy, but just this young boy had become my forbidden dream.
From the first kiss he gave me I knew I was lost.
"Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy's dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss Was your first kiss goodbye"
Every time Lavi approached me, each time with his way of acting he joked with me, throwing an arm around my neck or trying to braid my hair, my resolution weakened and my defenses crumbled miserably into pieces at his feet.
With slower and slower reactions I got out from that contact, tempted for a moment to hold Lavi in front of everyone, to guide his hands to my body where I wanted him to touch me.
My voice was losing its firmness when he stared at me with his one emerald green eye, that seemed to be able to dig so deep inside of me to read my terrible secret, and along with it, the love I felt for him.
My hands trembled as I brandished Mugen against him. At this rate, sooner or later someone would notice that something had changed in me, that between Lavi and I there was a different kind of relationship.
My fate was sealed.
"Oh! You're a loaded gun,
Oh! There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done"
I would have played along, I would have continued to give him everything he wanted.
During the day friends-enemies with the usual bickering, threats and sharp answers; at dead of night, passionate lovers hidden in the darkness of the four walls where we happened to find ourselves, being those walls from a hotel room during a mission or from the familiar space of mine at the Order's Headquarters.
Lavi never did protest about my rudeness, rather, he seemed to fully understand what I felt, too well for my taste. The fear that we set out for a road of no return began to creep into me more and more insistently.
Often that "I love you" that I've refused to utter rose to my lips pressing to be exhaled; my gaze then met Lavi's reading in his only eye anxiety and expectation, and immediately I shoved back those words to a remote corner of my mind.
Because the terms were clear, the unspoken rules of this game didn't include having feelings. The first one to break them would condemn the other as well.
This fake love was a slow agony, but I refused to give up on it.
Because it was all I had of Lavi.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
You give love, oh!
Bad name"
WARNING: YAOI hints - if you don't know what this word means, or if you don't like boy/boy relationship this story is not for you, don't say I didn't tell you! You know the song, DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!
This is my first time at writing a songfic, even if it's a multichapter's one. Four songs, four chapters.
Why a songfic? Well, it was what I had to work on for a contest, so I just used the opportunity to fix a couple of things...
Since it was a contest (you can think of it like a kink meme) I didn't choose the song, or more precisely the judge gave to each challenger a set of ten song and the right to choose up to five of them. For what I had in mind four of them suited really good, so four it was.
The song for this first chapter is "You Give Love a Bad Name" di Bon Jovi. I think it fit Kanda really well...
And, on another note, this is also my only way to keep living in this fandom. It will be pretty much clear on the last two chapters.
So! Beta is aquatix, thank you so much for your precious help! *BOWS*
As always, if you spot any error it's my fault, for changing something the beta suggested XD
DRIED FLOWERS
Chapter 1: Shot Through the Heart
When I met him the first time, I was sure that I would end up killing the idiot. His way of doing, behaving towards me, brought blood to my eyes with amazing speed.
Not that I've ever been the patient type, but that caricature of Exorcist who dared to even call me by my first name beat all records. He mocked me showing no fear, each time challenging the blade of my faithful Innocence, Mugen.
I've never imagined it would end up like this. If someone had told me that the idiot with his ridiculous red hair would stole my heart, I would have mercilessly beaten up that person.
Instead, without even realizing it, I found myself in bed with him. Lavi got round me step by step, slowly imposing his presence like it was a game; and I, naive as I am, fell into his trap, lending
myself unreservedly to his playing fast and loose with me, chasing him with unsheathed sword for every trifle thing.
Until, to my great horror, I realized he had become so important to me to replace the air I breathed.
And then it was too late to turn back.
In vain I tried to convince myself to ignore the feeling I discovered inside me, repeating in a continuous cycle that it was wrong, that Lavi would never reciprocate. That for him being around me was only a pastime, the umpteenth sham related to his being a Bookman.
How wrong I was. On the night he gave me my first kiss, when he came to me with the serious look of someone who has a really important thing to say, I should have realized something was wrong.
"Why do ya avoid me?" He said in a hurt tone, almost as if I had committed a heinous crime against him trying to protect myself. "Why 'r ya lyin' to your heart?" he added seizing me by the shoulders and pushing my body against the wall, his lips joining mine to my dismay.
As if he knew something about a heart or feelings. Che.
I had to rebel, I was aware of it and I really wanted to, but what I was trying so desperately to deny took the upper hand over everything else; my arms clasped around Lavi's back and my mouth opened to better accept that perverse contact.
I knew it was forbidden, that Lavi was probably lying to me, but I wasn't concerned by it anymore.
I yield myself to him without any opposition, I accepted his words of love, but without believing any of them; it was obvious that he would stay with me just as long as the current war allowed him.
And yet I dreamed that it wasn't this way.
When the realization of what that desire meant hit me, I knew I was lost.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
Darlin' you give love a bad name"
Watching him sleep next to me produced a strange effect inside myself. I wasn't used to sharing space in such an intimate manner, I had never accepted physical contact with anyone else before; experiencing the urge to run my fingers through his flaming red hair, so suddenly, left me confused.
But I restrained myself, because if I woke him up he would pester me for days pointing out my weakness and associating it with my feelings for him, which I kept to deny.
Ridiculous, right? I allowed him to possess my body yet I refused to say how important he was for me, reducing everything to the raw sexual act.
Lust. Mortal Sin. It so suited both of us, ironically.
I was hoping he would never realize that it wasn't so, but that, in fact, he did own my heart too. Or maybe Lavi knew it, but he didn't care as long as he could continue to have me.
A sigh escaped my lips as I saw him smile in that special way of his, somewhere between innocent and mischievous, that so drove me crazy, with anger as well as with something else I preferred not to think about.
Fortunately, my healing abilities allowed me to show no physical sign of the lust I indulged in during my nights with Lavi.
My body hid this embarrassing secret, really well, the forbidden relationship that tied me up, body and soul, to the apprentice Bookman.
He, however, didn't seem to care that if we had been caught, his old man would severely punish him and force him to depart from the Black Order, while I probably would be processed by the high leaders as had just happened to moyashi.
The only positive thing was the end of dreams. When I realized it I thought I was wrong and I waited for the next unwanted memory to resurface, but... there were no others.
No more flowers, no more death visions, no more her. I long questioned myself about the true reason behind it, and I finally decided that the one answer could only be Lavi.
Having found my own important person must have broken the curse. Yes, it had to be it. So the idiot had done at least something good for me, other than throw my life into confusion making me fall in love with him, without any hope of escaping such an uncomfortable and embarrassing feeling.
"Ya'r awake, Yuu-chan?" Lavi suddenly said, slipping an arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him.
He smiled at me, taking my breath away when his single green eye was fixed into mine, his face lit up with joy that seemed so damn sincere, but I knew too well it just was a deception.
A Bookman doesn't feel, they observe and collect information, and I, as a second Exorcist, was a valuable subject to research on.
"Che. It's obvious." I replied curtly.
Nevertheless, I let him embrace me and drew me back into the sheets, guide me in a passionate kiss, touching all over me in a way which I couldn't do without.
"An angel's smile is what you sell
You promised me heaven then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison you can not break free"
I wondered if anyone had noticed the movement around my room when Lavi and I were at the Headquarters at the same time as me. Ignoring we was running a big risk deciding this, my lodging was the place where we met every night.
I didn't know how Lavi would justify those absences of his to Bookman, and frankly, I wasn't even interested. All I wanted was to have him for me, his kisses, his caresses, our bodies tangled together.
Yes, I was aware that I had become completely dependent on him, that the acts to which I abandoned myself could only be called by the name of lust.
I also felt terribly guilty for how the whole thing had reduced me, but I couldn't draw myself out of it.
No, it was even worse, I didn't want to drag myself out, for that relationship to end.
"Oh! You're a loaded gun, yeah
Oh! There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done"
Lavi was behaving more and more like an affectionate lover, his every gesture, each word of love, was vibrating as if the expressed passion was a living thing. I so dreamed that it could be real to drown in the feeling that hearing him speak evoked in me.
But every time that phrase, "I love you, Yuu", made it past from his lips I forced myself to answer with one of my annoyed "Che".
In order to not give Lavi the satisfaction of knowing that he had broken me.
In order to prevent Lavi from understanding that I really loved him, hopelessly, completely, body and soul.
Because I knew that if he discovered it, if he had been certain about, Lavi would leave me. As long as everything remained as just sex, we could continue to be together.
If one of us had let himself be truly involved with the other, betraying to feel real love, anything we had between us would have ended at the very moment. And I didn't want to lose him.
In spite of the fact that for the Black Order's leaders our relationship was a Mortal Sin, as sodomy we committed, and the awareness that, for Lavi, I was just a pastime in which his actual persona had indulged into, I would have done everything to prevent it from ending.
Lavi's behavior broke the rules of his clan, from the little I knew about Bookmen, and yet he seemed determined to continue our little perverse game.
I found myself wondering about what would happen if Lavi had left the clan for me. Oh, if only it was possible!
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
Hey, you give love a bad name"
Watching him speaking with Lenalee and moyashi, with the scientists, or simply to a Finder, was terribly annoying, the fake attitude Lavi kept was unbearable; and the thing that made me boil inside was his habit to keep that foolish smile even in critical situations in which coldness and seriousness were requested.
But Lavi smiled at me in that disarming way even after getting a full hit by an Akuma, his blood stained fingers that touched my anxious face, like he was timidly trying to reassure me about his condition.
He looked like a naughty schoolboy, but just this young boy had become my forbidden dream.
From the first kiss he gave me I knew I was lost.
"Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy's dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss Was your first kiss goodbye"
Every time Lavi approached me, each time with his way of acting he joked with me, throwing an arm around my neck or trying to braid my hair, my resolution weakened and my defenses crumbled miserably into pieces at his feet.
With slower and slower reactions I got out from that contact, tempted for a moment to hold Lavi in front of everyone, to guide his hands to my body where I wanted him to touch me.
My voice was losing its firmness when he stared at me with his one emerald green eye, that seemed to be able to dig so deep inside of me to read my terrible secret, and along with it, the love I felt for him.
My hands trembled as I brandished Mugen against him. At this rate, sooner or later someone would notice that something had changed in me, that between Lavi and I there was a different kind of relationship.
My fate was sealed.
"Oh! You're a loaded gun,
Oh! There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done"
I would have played along, I would have continued to give him everything he wanted.
During the day friends-enemies with the usual bickering, threats and sharp answers; at dead of night, passionate lovers hidden in the darkness of the four walls where we happened to find ourselves, being those walls from a hotel room during a mission or from the familiar space of mine at the Order's Headquarters.
Lavi never did protest about my rudeness, rather, he seemed to fully understand what I felt, too well for my taste. The fear that we set out for a road of no return began to creep into me more and more insistently.
Often that "I love you" that I've refused to utter rose to my lips pressing to be exhaled; my gaze then met Lavi's reading in his only eye anxiety and expectation, and immediately I shoved back those words to a remote corner of my mind.
Because the terms were clear, the unspoken rules of this game didn't include having feelings. The first one to break them would condemn the other as well.
This fake love was a slow agony, but I refused to give up on it.
Because it was all I had of Lavi.
"Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
You give love, oh!
Bad name"