Dried Flowers - Chapter 2
DISCLAIMER: I don't own D. Gray-man, UNFORTUNATELY all is into the bungler hands of that crazy woman whose name is hoshino... Because if it was otherwise... D. Gray-man manga wouldn't have become a shapeless and disgusting jumble of nonsenses, and Lavi would have been together with Kanda from a VERY LONG TIME!
WARNING: YAOI hints - if you don't know what this word means, or if you don't like boy/boy relationship this story is not for you, don't say I didn't tell you! You know the song, DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!
The song for this second chapter is "Tengo Muchas Alas" by Manà. Even if I didn't listen to it before, I found that the lyrics followed quite well Lavi's thoughts and emotions... To tell the truth, I listened to the song just thirty seconds, only to have an idea of the sound, but if you'd ask me now I couldn't tell you which music it plays XD
All the more that it's Spanish, so I preferred to use an English transaltion found through the web. What I needed were the 'contents', you know... Well, I haven't had that much of a choice given the fact the songs were imposed, so... it was what I got.
Beta is still aquatix, thank you so much for your precious help! *BOWS*
As always, if you spot any error it's my fault, for changing something the beta suggested XD
DRIED FLOWERS
Chapter 2: Away From You
It was a bit after the time when I realized I fell in love with the only person I should have not, breaking my vow as a Bookman, lying to my mentor to avoid the risk that he might find out and because of that, take me away from him, from Kanda Yuu.
Living among the Exorcists awakened in me that heart I shouldn't have had at all; I became friends with Allen, learned about Lenalee's sensibility and her love for those she considered as her family. That is, all of us in the Black Order.
And I met him first when I arrived at Headquarters two years ago, Kanda Yuu.
The only person who refused to interact with me, very often even to just talk to me. I made teasing him my mission. And I ended up being trapped in it, as a victim of the love I wanted to stir up in Yuu.
A dangerous situation for me, but instead of stifling that feeling, I fed it, and at some point I even tried to ensure that the object of my attentions would understand which was my embarrassing secret. Instead, he ignored me, deliberately, in my opinion.
So, I did the wrongest thing I could try: I decided to confront Yuu to tell him about my love.
When Yuu didn't show any resistance against my attempt to kiss him, I was very surprised. I was expecting to be hit with ferocity, forcefully pushed away with disdain and disgust. Instead Yuu wrapped his arms around me and returned the kiss.
For a moment I froze, unsure if it wasn't all happening in one of my dreams; lately Yuu has been populating them that way a lot.
I became sure that everything was real when his fingers sank into my back and teeth were stuck firmly on my neck. The pain was real, Yuu hadn't rejected me.
I thought he'd never accept being in this kind of relationship with anybody, let alone someone like me. Instead, days after, he'd let it happen again, allowing me to kiss him once more, to touch and caress him; Yuu even yielded to me, surprisingly consenting me to be the one who took him. Perhaps because he knew that while he wouldn't have shown the signs, I would.
Odd of Yuu to worry about me, but probably he cared about himself the most; preventing anyone from suspecting about us, he made sure not to lose his lover. Or his toy?
Because, not even after our relationship had become deep had he told me to feel something for me. Never once had he responded to any of my "I love you, Yuu." Never.
He always reserved for me one of his annoyed "Che", as if what I had confessed was to him cause for embarrassment, for shame. As if Yuu was only using me for his pleasure, and then felt dirty right after having enjoyed it.
I was hoping to succeed in melting the ice around his heart sooner or later, but it seemed that it would never happen. Maybe one day, I kept saying to myself, maybe.
Meanwhile, I continued following his wishes, pretending that all was just fine, that my only interest was physical enjoyment as well. Because if Yuu had realized that our relationship had gone beyond mere sexual attraction, I was sure he would leave me. Love was a weakness for him, something awkward and limiting.
Then I realized that he didn't believe me. He saw in me only the Bookman apprentice, so he thought my words were always lies. And he didn't trust me.
No matter how he felt towards me, he would never reveal it to me.
"You can stay back if you want, you know," Yuu said when the Level 4 was about to charge us, during the Headquarters' attack from that Noah with the power of transformation.
But I couldn't do without him. As long as I was able to, I've stayed by his side, always. I'd sacrificed my life for him if necessary. I did everything in my power to help him, even without the Innocence, and I didn't care if I get hurt.
When Yuu looked at me with that anxious and yet angry expression, I raised my bloodied fingers to brush against his bruised face.
I will always be here for you, Yuu, even if you say you don't need it.
"Yuu..." I muttered, but he didn't answer.
He got up, and after throwing just one look at the scientists in fibrillation to care for our injured companions and to those who were mourning for the dead, Yuu walked away disappearing into the crowd of the battle's aftermath, without looking back at me even once.
"Do not say that I do not love you,
Do not say that I do not trust you,
love in my body and soul.
Because I gave my life for you
I was here, never failing, if I trusted myself."
Any attempt to have Yuu understand that my feelings towards him were sincere fell on deaf ears. He seemed unable to contemplate the possibility that I had changed, that I had stopped pretending at least to him.
His irritation at seeing me laughing and joking with Allen and Lenalee was blatant, the coldness he showed toward me even in the intimacy of his room was terribly painful.
"Yuu, I'm an apprentice Bookman, y'know." I told him one night, but he didn't answer. He turned on the bed to face the wall, as I kept talking. "I've never hidden it. And it's true that I should remain impartial and avoid any bond. But t'live here with ya changed me. Ya've changed me." I drew him to me, burying my face into his beautiful black hair, using one arm to encircle Yuu's waist with affection. "I'm no longer the person I was b'fore, I found my heart." I whispered into his ear, and I felt him trembling slightly. His hand covered mine, and he let himself exhale a weak sigh. "I really love you, Yuu." I repeated once again, as if it was a prayer.
"Don't say it, you know it's not true." Yuu finally answered, even if without driving me away, letting his fingers keep holding on mine.
Why, Yuu? Why can't you believe me? You're not just ink on paper for me, maybe once it was true, but not anymore.
Not anymore...
"You did not accept me as I was,
and each time that I extended my wings, you cut off Them.
You never wanted to accept, all of us have a past,
Past is past."
Maybe I made a misstep, or the old man is beginning to fear those same events which he's here to record. The disappearance of General Cross' supposedly dead body, the Innocence's mutation... It seems that the latter especially bothers him.
So, looks like we'll finally leave. I've never thought that the day I had to part from you would really come, Yuu. I'd never wanted the sun to go down on us.
I can only console myself by thinking that I still have so much to learn, so many new places to explore. Like a swallow leaves the nest, I'll spread my wings and fly away from here.
Away from you. And I have no certainty of returning.
"But today the sun is leaving Already,
That and I know I have many skies to fly,
and I know the wind That Gives Us All Our backs wings,
the wind makes me fly."
If I could have chosen, I would've stayed by your side. If you had asked me, I would've disobeyed, regardless of the consequences.
But when I told you that I and Bookman were leaving, you just looked at me surprised and shrugged.
"Sure," you said, your wonder changing into bitterness. "I've always known." you added turning your shoulders at me, like I had betrayed you, as if to me all of this had always been just a cruel game.
But even if you knew I'd left you, you accepted me in your bed all the same that evening, as if it was your way of saying goodbye.
And I'm leaving, sick at heart; that same heart I shouldn't have had, and that will stay with you even after I'll be gone.
Bookman will lead me far away, I don't know where either. He drives the wings of my destiny, nothing can keep me here now.
"I have many wings for getting to the sky, the wind makes me fly,
I have many wings for getting to the sun, nothing can stop me,
That I know is going to blow the wind, the wind is going."
I'm going to leave you and I hate myself for my weakness, because you yielded to me this last time hoping to keep me here, and I disappoint you.
I'll spread my wings in spite of how painful it is separating myself from you, since this is my destiny as a Bookman.
So I won't ask for forgiveness. Even if I love you, I don't belong to you as you don't belong to me, and believe me, I rather want it could be so. I would give anything so you could be mine, forever mine.
Instead I'm running away from you like any coward, without taking you along with me.
"I'm going to open my wings no matter the harm,
even if I drop, I'm going to reach the clouds and kiss Them.
And even if I love you I'm already going away, and even if I take you
today I am not yours, asking mercy."
I know I've never been the person you wanted by your side. I know you hated what I am, and now you'll hate it even more.
Yet I had always hoped you'd understand, that you'd finally believe me.
The heartless Bookman is long dead, and this new one loves you unconditionally; but you'd never wanted to accept it.
If I ever see you again, will you want me back with you?
"You always refused me as I am, what I am always rejecting,
I am not what you wanted.
You never wanted to accept, all the world has a past, love,
Already passed the past."
Leaving the Black Order behind me, I wonder how many places we'll have to visit before coming back, if we'll ever do it. And I want to believe it'll be so, because despite everything we can't escape forever from our vow as Exorcists.
For now, however, we're leaving, heading to another battlefield. To all of you who stay, good luck.
Even if you're not here to greet me, Yuu, take care of yourself.
One day we'll meet again, I'm sure about it.
I look back one last time, hoping to see you appear, but I find only emptiness.
"But today the sun is smiling to me,
Unless I have many skies for flying already,
Unless the wind gives us all back wings,
the wind makes me fly.
I have many wings for getting to the sky, the wind makes me fly,
I have many wings for getting to the sun, nothing can stop me,
today my heart ... It rises, I'm going to fly."