I DO NOT HAVE SCHOOL OR FINALS, SO PLEASE, I WOULD LIKE TO ASK A QUESTION OF YOU SEXY BITCHES. THIS IS NOT A TEST. IT IS AN ACTUAL USE OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYS...OH, WRONG ANNOUNCEMENT.
AHEM.
LET'S SUPPOSE YOU KNOW WHAT I SOUND LIKE ON THE PHONE. I DO HAVE A LOVELY PHONE VOICE, BUT THAT VERY MUCH NOT THE POINT. SAY YOU CALL MY PLACE OF BUSINESS BECAUSE YOU WANT A PAPER CATALOG BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE INTERNET. (ALREADY WE HAVE ZEE PROBLEMS.)
DO YOU TELL THE NICE LADY ON THE PHONE (MOI) THAT SHE HAS A LOVELY PHONE VOICE AND BECAUSE OF THAT YOU CAN TELL THAT SHE LOVES JESUS?
WHAT. THE. EVER. LOVING. FUCK?
I'M REALLY GLAD THAT HE LOVES JESUS. I'M ALSO GLAD THAT HE DONATED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS (GOOGLE FTW) BUT THIS IS JUST NOT SOMETHING I TELL STRANGERS ON THE PHONE.
I'M SO CONFUSED. SOMEONE PLEASE GROPE FONDLE GRAB ASS HELP ME!
I DID LAUGH TO MYSELF THAT I WAS, I THINK, READING THE HAWTNESS YOU'D WRITTEN FOR DRAGONWINE WHEN HE CALLED. ANDY WITH BELLS...IN... WELL IT MAKES ME MORE FORGIVING, I GUESS. JEEBUS WOULD BE SO PROUD.
ANDY WITH BELLS IN... (YES) I DIDN'T BOTHER GOING BEYOND THE (YOUR MIND WILL TAKE OVER FROM HERE THANKYOUVERYMUCHLY) POINT. :D
IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE, I'VE HAD TO RETURN CALLS TO PEOPLE THAT PRESUME THAT I'M POSSESSING OF A Y CHROMOSOME EVEN THOUGH CLEARLY MY EMAIL ADDRESS, MY BUSINESS INFO AND WHATEVER OTHER DETAILS WOULD INDICATE THE OBV. LACK OF A Y CHROMOSOME.
UNFORTUNATELY I WORK IN A XY-DOMINATED INDUSTRY WHERE EVERYONE PRESUMES THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS A OLDER WHITE DOOD. I AM NOT ANY OF THOSE STEREOTYPES WHICH THROWS EVERYONE OFF WHEN I END UP STOPPING BY OFFICES AND ASKING TO SEE THE OLDER WHITE DOODZ IN QUESTION. SOME DAYS I WONDER IF IT'D BE EASIER IF I JUST SAID YES TO PEOPLE THAT PRESUMED I WAS NOT!OLDER WHITE DOOD AND THEN JUST SURPRISED THEM IN PERSON.
IT DOES HAVE SOME ADVANTAGES, THOUGH. I SOMETIMES PRETEND TO BE MY OWN SECRETARY TO AVOID SALES CALLS. BECAUSE RLY, HOW MUCH PRINTER TONER COULD I POSSIBLY USE?
I'VE DONE THAT AT HOME: ANSWER THE PHONE TO A TELEMARKETER AND THEN TELL THEM THAT 'OH SHE'S NOT AT HOME, IN FACT, SHE'S AWAY FOR (A LONG PERIOD OF TIME).' IS EVIL I KNOW, BUT I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE TRYING TO SELL ME ON CREDIT CARD INSURANCE, OR WINDOWS AND DOORS, OR A FREE VACATION TO FLORIDA.
"OH HAI. I WUD LIEK TO TELL U ABOUT A FABOOLUS NEW OFFER I HAVE FOR YOUUUU! IT'S DIS AMAZE-UNG PRODUCT WICH ALLOWS YOU TO STAB ME OR NE OTHER TELEMARKETERZ THRU THE FONE. WOOD YOU LIEK TO BUY MY PRODUCT? ONLY SEX SIX EZ PAYMENTS OF ELEVENTY BILLION DUCKETS! U BUY NAO?"
OH HAI! I WANTS DIS! BETTER THAN SLICIN' DICIN' MANDOLIN 'K? SEND WI' BLANK CHECKZ PLZ BE TO ME. NAO NAO NAO. DIS BETTER THAN ROOMBA. NAO I CAN REACH THRU FONE LEIK DIS AND STABBITYSTAB! WEEEEEEEEEE! (CRASH)
I AM SENDING TO YOU RITE NAO! PLS I ALSO AM NIGERIAN PWINCESS WHOSE WHOLE FAMILY HAS DIED BECUZ OF SWINE FLU PIRATES. PLS TELL ME YOUR BANK INFORMATIONS AND IF YOU LOAN ME $40234985 I WILL PAY IT ALL BACK PLUS A HANDSOME SEXXXXXY FEE TO YOU. SEND YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME, YOUR BIRFDAY, AND ALL PASSWORDS FOR EVERYTHING U HAVE USED IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
OH HAI THX! OH THEM PIRATES! I WANTS. I SENDING ALL INFO PLUS MONIES TO YOU BY POST. OH HAI SEXXXXXXXY TIMEZ IS NOT PROCUREMENT BY WIRE? ALL MY MONIES BELONG TO JEEBUS!
AHEM.
LET'S SUPPOSE YOU KNOW WHAT I SOUND LIKE ON THE PHONE. I DO HAVE A LOVELY PHONE VOICE, BUT THAT VERY MUCH NOT THE POINT. SAY YOU CALL MY PLACE OF BUSINESS BECAUSE YOU WANT A PAPER CATALOG BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE INTERNET. (ALREADY WE HAVE ZEE PROBLEMS.)
DO YOU TELL THE NICE LADY ON THE PHONE (MOI) THAT SHE HAS A LOVELY PHONE VOICE AND BECAUSE OF THAT YOU CAN TELL THAT SHE LOVES JESUS?
WHAT. THE. EVER. LOVING. FUCK?
I'M REALLY GLAD THAT HE LOVES JESUS. I'M ALSO GLAD THAT HE DONATED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS (GOOGLE FTW) BUT THIS IS JUST NOT SOMETHING I TELL STRANGERS ON THE PHONE.
I'M SO CONFUSED. SOMEONE PLEASE GROPE FONDLE GRAB ASS HELP ME!
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YOU HAS A LOVELY PHONE VOICE... BUT JEEBUS? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
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I DON'T KNOW!
I DID LAUGH TO MYSELF THAT I WAS, I THINK, READING THE HAWTNESS YOU'D WRITTEN FOR DRAGONWINE WHEN HE CALLED. ANDY WITH BELLS...IN... WELL IT MAKES ME MORE FORGIVING, I GUESS. JEEBUS WOULD BE SO PROUD.
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ANDY WITH BELLS IN... (YES) I DIDN'T BOTHER GOING BEYOND THE (YOUR MIND WILL TAKE OVER FROM HERE THANKYOUVERYMUCHLY) POINT. :D
IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE, I'VE HAD TO RETURN CALLS TO PEOPLE THAT PRESUME THAT I'M POSSESSING OF A Y CHROMOSOME EVEN THOUGH CLEARLY MY EMAIL ADDRESS, MY BUSINESS INFO AND WHATEVER OTHER DETAILS WOULD INDICATE THE OBV. LACK OF A Y CHROMOSOME.
I LIKE TO TELL PEOPLE TO PLEASE CALL ME 'BOB.'
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IZ NOT DOOD. HAZ LADY PARTZ.
MY FAKE WERK NAME IS ALWAYS "SALLY." I'M THE ONLY XX IN THE OFFICE SO PEOPLE OFTEN SAY "OH I TALKED TO THAT GIRL." THUS:
IT'S FUNNY TO ME AND THE GUY WHO SELLS US BOXES. WE FAKED A DEATH TO FREAK OUT A TELEMARKETER ONCE...
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"OH HAI. I WUD LIEK TO TELL U ABOUT A FABOOLUS NEW OFFER I HAVE FOR YOUUUU! IT'S DIS AMAZE-UNG PRODUCT WICH ALLOWS YOU TO STAB ME OR NE OTHER TELEMARKETERZ THRU THE FONE. WOOD YOU LIEK TO BUY MY PRODUCT? ONLY SEX SIX EZ PAYMENTS OF ELEVENTY BILLION DUCKETS! U BUY NAO?"
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BLESSINGS OF THE JEEBUS FISH UPON YOU!
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ER, WAIT, STRIKETHROUGH TEXT MEANS DON'T DO THAT?
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Y HALO THAR URSELF, BB, FUNNY SEEING YOU HERE
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BOILER REPAIR SCISSOR ROUND TAPE CARDBOARD PUMPKIN HEDGEHOG PURPLE!
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