(no subject)
work is so horrible this week. it's so slow. i'm trying not to fall asleep!
last coupla days i've sat around. me and nelson never went out tuesday. he had this project to finish for school, but i think we might be going out tonight. i haven't heard from him yet, so we'll see.
funny story though! yesterday, mikey mike called up my cell while i was at work and he was telling me about the new cadillac his dad bought and this and that. and the phone breaks up, so i tried to call him back off my work line but only got his vm. so then i hear freddy pick up a phone on the sales floor and i can hear him giving someone an attitude, and i just remember thinking, "wow that's not like him." so then mike calls my cell back a few minutes later and i was like, "wait let me call you on my work phone because my service is bad." so i called him back and he's like, "yeah i was trying to call you back and some guy picked up the phone and when i asked for you, he was like, 'ugh... yeah,.. who is this?' and i was like, 'mike' and he's like, 'mike?' and i'm like, 'yeah' and he's like, 'is this mike-mike?' and i was like, 'ugh... i guess you can say that. can i talk to nadine?' and he's like, 'yeah' .... CLICK .... and then mike was like, "so what was that all about, dude?" i'm like, "wait a guy answered?" (and then i put two and two together because i just heard fag on the phone being rude). and he's like, "yeah, what's up with that guy. is he slutting you?" i'm like, "what?" and he's like, "is he slutting you?" i'm like, "what the hell does that mean?" he's like, " ... like, he sweating you, he wants you." i'm like, "ha, that's a long story." and then mike was like, "aw man, you giving it to him too?" and i'm like, "WHAT!!!!" and then he started laughing and telling me he was just kidding so that i wouldn't come and kill his ass. smart boy. haha. i dunno... we just ended up talking about how he's deciding between these two condo's. one is being built and is about 160,000 and this other one is about 10,000 less. so i dunno. kid reminded me of dave ley yesterday. the way he was talking. it was like sunshine was pouring out of his ass and he was just the happiest little camper on the block because his life was so GLOOOORIOUS. (mike word) lol. that's how dave used to be. those kind of people make me want to puke on them. i dunno...
nancy called me last night late as hell. we ended up talking a great deal about freddy, even though i didn't really try to bring it up. it just happens. she fills me in on the dirt that's going on, even though i don't ask to know about it. i really just don't know how to feel anymore about him or the situation. all i can really say for sure is that i'm happy not being all confused and wondering where i stand because i'm so far out of the picture that it doesn't matter anymore. nancy seems to think that me and freddy will eventually talk and be on normal terms, which i don't EVER see happening. mainly because world war 3 would come between him and joann if that happened. and because i know if we do talk, it will be little small talk here and there at work, and for it to escalate to us talking outside of work, i would have to call him because he WILL NOT make the first call. and i've already attempted, so i don't feel it's on my part anymore. there's only so many times you can go out of your way for someone and be the bigger person. and if they go out of their way to be a jerk and then later change their mind that they want to talk to you, then it's up to them. why would i do it again and chance looking like an ass? sorry buddy, not going to happen. so unless hell freezes over, and last time i checked... it never has... it won't happen. flat out. i'm sick of feeling like my emotions are worthless to people. i guess he said that he won't come and talk to me until everything is "blown over." and i'm like, "what does that mean, until i feel absolutely nothing for him?" and she's like, "i think so." and i'm like, "well that's shitty." she's like, "he's doing it for you. he can't risk talking to you and going back to the same thing." i'm like, "nanc, you need to understand that it's having the reverse effect. it's not about me and him anymore. at all. me and him are nothing. i've killed that idea off in my mind already. i don't want to be involved with him like that. i'm more hurt that he can say that he cares so much for me (on a friend level, aside from the relationship part) and then go and act like i fell off the face of the earth and that he could care less. he's already killed the me and him, and as more days go by, he's killing the respect/caring for him. because every day i start to just kill him off. to where, if it all blows over and i feel more and more like i'm caring for nothing. eventually, i won't care at all." which she understood. i guess he told her though, "i'll cheat on every person i'm with. no matter who it is. until i'm at least 26." so i'm happy i'm not involved with that. i don't need someone like that. i used to think, "what does she have over me? why is she better than me?" and then one day i just smacked myself because, she's not! it's not about her, it's not about me, it's about freddy. it always has been. it's not that she had something over me, it's just that she's dumb enough to drag around and not stick up for herself and do anything he says. i think he knew all along that i was on to him and figured things out too easily. he could never pull the shit he does on her with me. so it makes sense now why he's doing what he's doing. he's such an attention whore. i was listening to this no doubt song "ex girlfriend" the other day, and it was so fitting. "i'm about to give you away, for someone else to take..."
other than that, life has been sorta blah. i lost over 10 pounds the last few weeks, and now i'm up 3. it's a never ending cycle. this paycheck, i'm gonna go pay off my gym balance so i can go work out. i need to get tiny before the summer. i still need to buy a lot more shit before the summer, but i'm hating some of the new stuff that's out in the stores lately. i wanna process my hair again too. this blonde is too golden. i wanna look like a barbie! lol. i'm gonna go now. lol.
closing thought: sometimes i wanna be your lover, sometimes i wanna be your friend.
last coupla days i've sat around. me and nelson never went out tuesday. he had this project to finish for school, but i think we might be going out tonight. i haven't heard from him yet, so we'll see.
funny story though! yesterday, mikey mike called up my cell while i was at work and he was telling me about the new cadillac his dad bought and this and that. and the phone breaks up, so i tried to call him back off my work line but only got his vm. so then i hear freddy pick up a phone on the sales floor and i can hear him giving someone an attitude, and i just remember thinking, "wow that's not like him." so then mike calls my cell back a few minutes later and i was like, "wait let me call you on my work phone because my service is bad." so i called him back and he's like, "yeah i was trying to call you back and some guy picked up the phone and when i asked for you, he was like, 'ugh... yeah,.. who is this?' and i was like, 'mike' and he's like, 'mike?' and i'm like, 'yeah' and he's like, 'is this mike-mike?' and i was like, 'ugh... i guess you can say that. can i talk to nadine?' and he's like, 'yeah' .... CLICK .... and then mike was like, "so what was that all about, dude?" i'm like, "wait a guy answered?" (and then i put two and two together because i just heard fag on the phone being rude). and he's like, "yeah, what's up with that guy. is he slutting you?" i'm like, "what?" and he's like, "is he slutting you?" i'm like, "what the hell does that mean?" he's like, " ... like, he sweating you, he wants you." i'm like, "ha, that's a long story." and then mike was like, "aw man, you giving it to him too?" and i'm like, "WHAT!!!!" and then he started laughing and telling me he was just kidding so that i wouldn't come and kill his ass. smart boy. haha. i dunno... we just ended up talking about how he's deciding between these two condo's. one is being built and is about 160,000 and this other one is about 10,000 less. so i dunno. kid reminded me of dave ley yesterday. the way he was talking. it was like sunshine was pouring out of his ass and he was just the happiest little camper on the block because his life was so GLOOOORIOUS. (mike word) lol. that's how dave used to be. those kind of people make me want to puke on them. i dunno...
nancy called me last night late as hell. we ended up talking a great deal about freddy, even though i didn't really try to bring it up. it just happens. she fills me in on the dirt that's going on, even though i don't ask to know about it. i really just don't know how to feel anymore about him or the situation. all i can really say for sure is that i'm happy not being all confused and wondering where i stand because i'm so far out of the picture that it doesn't matter anymore. nancy seems to think that me and freddy will eventually talk and be on normal terms, which i don't EVER see happening. mainly because world war 3 would come between him and joann if that happened. and because i know if we do talk, it will be little small talk here and there at work, and for it to escalate to us talking outside of work, i would have to call him because he WILL NOT make the first call. and i've already attempted, so i don't feel it's on my part anymore. there's only so many times you can go out of your way for someone and be the bigger person. and if they go out of their way to be a jerk and then later change their mind that they want to talk to you, then it's up to them. why would i do it again and chance looking like an ass? sorry buddy, not going to happen. so unless hell freezes over, and last time i checked... it never has... it won't happen. flat out. i'm sick of feeling like my emotions are worthless to people. i guess he said that he won't come and talk to me until everything is "blown over." and i'm like, "what does that mean, until i feel absolutely nothing for him?" and she's like, "i think so." and i'm like, "well that's shitty." she's like, "he's doing it for you. he can't risk talking to you and going back to the same thing." i'm like, "nanc, you need to understand that it's having the reverse effect. it's not about me and him anymore. at all. me and him are nothing. i've killed that idea off in my mind already. i don't want to be involved with him like that. i'm more hurt that he can say that he cares so much for me (on a friend level, aside from the relationship part) and then go and act like i fell off the face of the earth and that he could care less. he's already killed the me and him, and as more days go by, he's killing the respect/caring for him. because every day i start to just kill him off. to where, if it all blows over and i feel more and more like i'm caring for nothing. eventually, i won't care at all." which she understood. i guess he told her though, "i'll cheat on every person i'm with. no matter who it is. until i'm at least 26." so i'm happy i'm not involved with that. i don't need someone like that. i used to think, "what does she have over me? why is she better than me?" and then one day i just smacked myself because, she's not! it's not about her, it's not about me, it's about freddy. it always has been. it's not that she had something over me, it's just that she's dumb enough to drag around and not stick up for herself and do anything he says. i think he knew all along that i was on to him and figured things out too easily. he could never pull the shit he does on her with me. so it makes sense now why he's doing what he's doing. he's such an attention whore. i was listening to this no doubt song "ex girlfriend" the other day, and it was so fitting. "i'm about to give you away, for someone else to take..."
other than that, life has been sorta blah. i lost over 10 pounds the last few weeks, and now i'm up 3. it's a never ending cycle. this paycheck, i'm gonna go pay off my gym balance so i can go work out. i need to get tiny before the summer. i still need to buy a lot more shit before the summer, but i'm hating some of the new stuff that's out in the stores lately. i wanna process my hair again too. this blonde is too golden. i wanna look like a barbie! lol. i'm gonna go now. lol.
closing thought: sometimes i wanna be your lover, sometimes i wanna be your friend.