a dark entry hopefully ending brighter
His name is Matt. He is about 6'2, really skinny, smooth. He is adorable with soft lips and amazing eyes. Physically attractive, wanted by many but for some reason he wants me. It's like i'm dating john all over again tho. Not because of him but because of me. I'm worth nothing. I'm not somebody people want to be with, just something that they come to until they find something better. I'm not made to find love or at least the love i feel for him or any of my ex's for that matter. I push people away because I know I'm not good enough and never will be. I am too ugly inside to be anything anybody wants to be with. What is wanted i simply can't give both emotionally and physically and yet i try as hard as i can but these thoughts always win. The thoughts of myself. I cheated on him. Technically it wasn't but time and labels means nothing to our emotions. The bad thoughts started then. The thoughts i hadn't had in years came back full force. It's hard trying to push them back down. I said it was because i felt rejection because he called it off, but it was a lie. I did it because sex numbs the pain. There is this feeling that i have for him, i have no idea what it is but it's strong. The problem is with this feeling, the negative feelings are just as strong. That i don't know why but the feelings have nothing to do with him. It's all the self hatred i have for myself and then sleeping with somebody made it worse. John cheated and it was the worst feeling i've ever felt, to the point i tried to commit suicide. Cheating on matt has brought the same thoughts into my head, but i'm not going to let them win but let me tell you, they are fighting to be there. So we thought we worked it out and then i go and fuck it up yet again. I get hammered and break up with him. Our chemistry sucks, royally but it all goes back to this feeling that i can't explain. So then we start talking again and i'm happy. I looked forward to anything. He came over and hung out. He was sitting on the end of my couch and i grabbed him and pulled him down and just wrapped my arms around him because that's all i wanted to do. He fell asleep in my arms and never, while holding somebody, started to cry. I quickly stopped tho just in case he woke up. Last thing he needs is to see that lol. Not just a crazy boyfriend but a crazy pussy boyfriend lol. But i can't even explain how if felt to hold him, to know and feel him next to me. We started having sex again, but not sex. It was better then sex. It felt like love, like i was and am the only one on his mind. Then i find out i'm not. I find out he fucked somebody after he said no. I let him fuck me without a condom. He let himself fuck me without a condom knowing he lied to me. Through me into a fucking tail spin. I know exactly how he felt when i told him about carl and i. Those thoughts raced back in when they saw that window open. Now here is the fucked up part. He fucked some guy, id fuck him too so fucking was not the issue. He lied and that pissed me off but that wasn't the big issue. The big issue is i'm no sexually good enough to keep him only wanting me and that he needs to go else where to get what he needs. I'm average, nothing special. My body is shit, nothing worth a damn. But then he tells me i'm better and then tells me he is thinking about going back over there. I can't stop but think about how he is with that guy, him clamping his fingers down on his back like he does with me, him kissing him like he would with me. He should only want to do that to me but he doesn't and it's my fault. My lack of everything has caused this. I don't see any good in me and i try and hide it but it's getting harder and harder. my problems push him away more and more. I lashed out at him today because of my insecurities. it's just sex, why do i let it bother me so much. I know i will never satisfy him. That's why i caused this to open it up like it has but it's killing me inside. I'm not saying we couldn't sleep with other people together but i want to be everything to him and i cant because of my issues, my lack of confidence, my insecurities, my self loathing. I can't because i just down right hate everything about me, but i try and hide it because of how much i care about him. I try and hide it but all i do is turn it around into making him feel like shit, but i honestly don't try to do that. I turn it around but never intentionally try to make him feel bad. Good god the fact that he feels bad because of how i am makes me hate myself even more and then i just fuck up more when i try to fix it. My heart tells me one thing and my mind screams another but they both say the same thing at the end of the day and that's don't push him away. I know all this is because of me. I will have to live with that. What i will say is i'm not giving up. I will listen to him and i will release my demons not out on or any where near him. What my demons do is my problem, not his. That is a fight i need to confront and win. As far as matt goes, i will do what ever he wants. I owe him that. I owe him and will give him the world if he asks for it. I will say this one thing and not ever hesitate again. I love you and am the fucking luckiest person in the world to have somebody like you in my life. (ps, my friends can fuck themselves if they don't like you)