i wish.....

[yourenotmyangel]

this week was amazing... it was crazy...
i went expecting to have fun... meet new people.. and try to get back to god...

i did that...
Paul Abner preached in our cabin everyday... about worth the wait and abstinance.. and stuff of that sort...
it broke me down...
awh...

i made alot of great friends... like chelsea... she is adorable.. im on the phone with her right now... cause she called me...
uhm...

i have decided to go the way of purity... cause what ive been doing isnt safe.. nor healthy....
ive been home for like... 4 hours.. and have already gotten in two fights with kyle...
that boy is alot to me...

i was praying last night.. and i started crying...

i wanted to remain pure sooo bad... and i took that from kyle..
i took away something he couldve saved for someone he loved... and it hurts to look at it that way... cause i know i didnt five it to someone i loved and i wish i had...

the only person ive ever wanted to do that wih was kyle...
it meant something to me...

i think thats why im sooo jealous of her...
because she has the capability of taking him away from me... of hurting him...
and of having something i cant...

i know what this is... its not just caring...
he is amazing... i dont care if he isnt perfect..

i love everything about that boy.. his hair.. his face..his lips and eyes...
his hamds.. his body..

i like that fatty.. :-(

somehow i wish i could take away his hurt.. i wish i could hold him and let him know ive meant everything ive said and done..
i just want to cry to him.. and tell him everything..
every person.. every mistake..
every detail...

ive never trusted anyone sooo much...

and when i saw that picture of him and her... i literally got sick..
i didnt want to see that...

i know that me kissing nick was too mentally get back at kyle...
i told nick that.. that he could never mean anything to me...
and that i just was using him to not think of what kyle could be doing...

God i sound pathetic...
i want to see him...

i dont care about kissing him.. or anything else..

i want to hug him.. and hold him...

and let him know that everything is okay... cause more than anything thats what he needs...
i dont know what else to say...

i love him sooo much...
in the sense of i will always be there for him..

one day.. hopefully... one day