[Chapter] Hold Me Close (6/?)

[youaregonecas]

Title: Hold Me Close
Chapter: Five; birthday girls
Wordcount: 3.625 out of 24.594 words
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Castiel/Dean, Amelia/Jimmy, Anna/Ruby, Sam/Gadreel (in later chapters), Jo Harvelle/Charlie Bradbury
Tags: soldier!dean, au, domestic au, kid fic, art teacher!cas, referenced character death (of a minor character), deployment, self harm mentions, mentions of scars, minor character death, grieve, cemetry
Summary: In his entire life, Castiel hadn’t expected diapers, baby bottles and nights without sleep because one of the kids had a rough night to ever be in his future. Yet, it is. Dean and he spend days logging around strollers, trying to make ends meet and working through their problems.If he’s honest, the only thing keeping him on top of it, is Dean and Dean? He won’t stay forever. After all, his boyfriend is a soldier. They spend the first few weeks of them taking care of the kids in a steady pace; Cas taking the time to work through losing his brother and enjoying each other’s company. Dean’s deployment crawls upon them when they expect it least, the date coming closer and closer with each passing day.
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Dean watched Castiel sleep for a while, curled up against him with that gentle smile on his lips that only graced his lips when he slept. Sometimes he wondered what Castiel had done to deserve this twisted past. Even though Castiel didn’t quite mention it to him, Dean knew that he was struggling, that the kids were just keeping him afloat. Maybe, just having Dean there as well or having any distraction could be keeping him afloat, he honestly didn't know.
It was okay. Everybody struggled at some points in their life. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d come home one day to find a call telling him that Jessica and Sam had crashed the car they were driving and passed away. Dean knew that it must have felt like his heart was torn from his chest, had been there to see it happen. Dean had been lying next to him and saw how he crumbled under the skin. He’d seen Claire and Zoey look at him with fear in their little eyes, had seen the way they clung to Castiel’s chest the night of the funeral. Even if they didn’t really get the fact that their parents had passed away, they hurt. It was blatant hurt and fear and it stung.
Some mornings, he saw that Castiel, the one that mindlessly focused on the funeral and studied for his exams while drinking too much coffee. He saw that version of his boyfriend in the way that he stared at the television screen at 2 am, refusing to go to bed because of the nightmares. He saw that version of Castiel in the way that the bags under his eyes seemed to grow darker and more profound every day.
His fingers turned gentle circles at the base of Cas’s skull, just looking at him and the relaxed look in his face. He would miss this when he was overseas, he would miss the quiet mornings when the kids were taking a nap and the house was silent. When they only had each other to look out for. Even if they were like this, when they didn't do anything. Maybe they were the best ones out there, when was Castiel sleeping tucked away against his chest and he finished his coffee, the news playing muted in the background. This was good and nice, it felt comfortable. He wouldn’t exchange it for anything.
The next few weeks passed by quietly as May drifted into June and eventually July. Some days, Castiel couldn’t believe how quickly the boys were growing up, how fast they were learning. It seemed like they were discovering more and more of the world they were living in each day. Just a week or two ago, they’d smiled at each other for the first time and recognized the other. It had gone better and better after that. Some days, he’d go in their nursery and they’d be babbling like crazy, doing nothing but making meaningless sounds. It was sweet.
He could so easily imagine them when they were just born, tiny enough to have their chests lift clearly with each breath. They’d looked so small in their incubators, too many wires attached to too little bodies and hearts working too hard to pump blood through their bodies. Now, they were a month old adjusted, they were almost thriving. The doctors were happy with their progress, happy that they were hitting all the milestones that they were supposed to hit.
Nick was a little bit behind Ben, but both of them were doing well considering. Sometimes, when they went out to the park to eat with the girls and the boys were sitting in their laps, it was hard to think that they’d been like that. It was hard to think that they had been so dependent on machines just to keep their heart beating, their bodies fed and their lungs expanding. If you looked at them now, they were doing so well. Both Dean and Cas knew that one day they could go back to a situation where either of them would need extra help. Especially for Nick the risk was there was a risk of heart problems as he grew.
They both tried to keep the thoughts away, but sometimes as they were preparing for a cardiac appointment or just a check-up on their general health, he couldn’t help it. Seeing them thrive however, settled that little bit of anxiety quite a lot.
Dean loved seeing how his boyfriend too was getting more and more stable. Castiel still had rough days, but they were getting farther apart, he slept more and had less nightmares. The year would soon start for him and in between moments of caring for the kids, he was prepping classes on his computer and getting things sorted with his school.
Being a teacher meant helping cleaning up the classes and cleaning the desks from all the chewing gum stuck under them. The days of hauling around desks and getting everything in order exhausted him more than Dean perhaps liked to see, but it was okay. On a few occasions, he’d come home to find the girls watching a movie and Cas asleep with the boys on his chest. It was a sweet sight to come back home to after a long day of working, even if that meant that he’d have to ship every one off to bed gently while tip toeing around, including his boyfriend. Sometimes, Castiel would wake up long enough for them to have a quick dinner together before falling half asleep on the couch while watching some TV.
It was nice, it really was.
The girls were having their second birthday soon and if Dean told the truth, he was proud of how they had changed in the past few months. Both of them were opening up more to them each day and missed their parents less and less. Castiel hated seeing how they started to see them as their parents, but Dean secretly liked it when they slipped up and called Dean Daddy Dean instead of Uncle Dean.
“We should wake them up soon,” Castiel whispered from next to him in the bed, still curled up against him. Dean was absently playing with the strands of his hair at the base of his neck. Sundays were their lazy days, had always been that. Before the kids, they'd often stayed in their boxers and watched television in bed, sometimes sleeping the entire day away. With the kids coming into play, things had changed up a little. They couldn't just stay in bed anymore. Sundays still were their lazy days, even if today was a little bit more special. The girls celebrated their birthday. “So that they’re awake before your father and Bobby get here.”
Dean only hummed in acknowledgement, too comfortable to leave his spot on the bed. It was blissfully quiet with Nick and Ben fast asleep in their cribs. They’d had a rocky night, with a lot of waking up and a lot of crying. Dean had been ready to just plop them in their bed and let them sleep on their chests, but around four they’d finally fallen asleep in their own cribs for a change. “When are they getting here again?”
“They should be here around nine. In… “ He felt Cas shift away from him. “A half an hour?”
“Wait, this doesn’t happen.” Dean was sitting up in bed at the realization. “We don’t get to sleep in. Not even on Sundays.” Especially not on Sundays. Sundays were the days after birthday parties upon which kids were still riled up from all the sugar they’d eaten and the day after Cas planned his lessons and Dean got up to take care of the kids so that he wouldn't be interupted. “When did this happen.”
“Shh, they’ll hear.” Castiel was actually laughing under his breath. "The boys will wake up, don't jinx it."
“Come on, let’s go wake up the birthday girls.”
Zoey just stared at him with a grumpy expression on her face, brown hair all over the place. Claire had been awake when they’d come in, playing with her teddy bear patiently and silently. Dean thought that if they’d waited a little bit longer, they’d probably have a girl in their bed with them, just sitting there with her teddy bear until they went downstairs.
“Hey there Zoeybear,” Dean whispered as he picked her up in his arms, “did we wake you too soon? You still sleepy huh?” She just nodded as she buried her head against his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go downstairs for some milk. Do you want chocolate milk?” They didn’t usually stock it, but on their birthday they figured that they could spoil them just a little bit.
“Brother? Brother okay?”
“Nick and Ben are still sleeping. Did they wake you with their crying?” She nodded, murmuring a quiet yeah against his collarbone. “They’re okay, they were just wanting to be held a little bit. Like you do sometimes when you don’t really feel good. Sometimes you just want to be held.” He hugged her a little closer. “Like this.” She smiled sleepily. “Do you know what day it is today?”
“Su-day?” The confusion in her eyes as Dean carried her downstairs.
“Yeah, it’s Sunday. But it’s a special Sunday today, think about it. How old were you yesterday?” She pointed one finger up in the air. “You know what you can do today?” He took a second finger and unfolded it. “It’s your and Claire’s birthday!” She was utterly unimpressed until she got her cup of chocolate milk and waddled over to the couch, where Claire was sitting with her soya milk. Dean didn’t know why she preferred it over normal milk, but both she and Castiel were in love with it, so they always had it in the fridge.
“You’d think that they’re more interested in drinking their milk than their birthday,” Castiel said, looking back at the couch. “I’m curious to see what they’ll say about their strollers.” They’d gotten them both a stroller to run around with their dolls after seeing them clumsily trying to push their actual stroller around. It was too tall for them and even if they stood on their tip toes, it really didn’t work out.
“They’ll love them,” Dean promised. Getting them both a stroller and a doll set with twin dolls had been a little bit of a splurge, but they deserved it. The twins had been through a lot and it was their first birthday that Dean and Cas could go a little bit further on without seeming to be those crazy uncles. “Just let them wake up first.”
“Yeah. I’ll put them in their room and get dressed,” Castiel said, cup of coffee still held tightly in his hands. “Before John and Bobby get here.”
The twins loved the strollers. Dean had went up with a girl on each arm once they were awake enough to get dressed without falling back asleep on the changing table and they’d just grinned when they saw the strollers there. Zoey had been a little bit more hesitant, staying close to him and looking up with a confused look in her eyes.
“Go!” He’d said smiling, “it’s yours.” Dean probably should have waited a little bit longer before introducing them to their toys ― at least until he’d gotten them dressed ― but they were happy, so he didn’t really mind it all that much. John and Bobby could see them in their jammies. It was a Sunday after all.
“Hey, Dean?” Castiel stood in the door of the nursery, smiling down at Ben or Nick - Dean couldn’t see which of them it was. “Look at this for a minute.” Ben was leaning against Castiel’s chest clutching his teddy bear close to him. He didn’t realize what it was that he was supposed to notice, until Ben pushed off and grinned at Dean, reaching out so that Dean would take him.
“Did he just?”
“Yes Dean. He’s doing it too.” There was a proud smile on Cas’s lips. “Nick finally noticed his teddy bear.” Ben had started grabbing and wanting to have his little buddy with him a week or so ago, but Nick hadn’t quite taken a liking to them the way that his brother did. Now Nick was doing it too.
“Our baby boy is growing up,” Castiel said, grinning. “Aren’t you huh? Do you want to go to Dean little guy?” Ben stretched out again and Dean took him in his arms again. “Nick’s still asleep, but I don’t think that’ll last a lot longer. He was already fussing.”
“I’m glad they slept in the first place,” Dean admitted. “I think the girls aren’t going to want to get dressed soon. Maybe we should have let them get dressed before letting them play.” They were chattering amongst themselves excitedly, each a doll in their hands.
“It’s Sunday, we won’t be going out anyway. Let them run around a little - Bobby and John will be a littler later, somebody came in with a broken down car or something. They’re doing some crisis management, but they’ll be picking Jess and Sam up on their way.”
“Sam and Jess?”
“Yeah. The year’s over and they both finished their exams for now and are waiting on their results, so they decided that they’d make the trip here.”
“Oh, he didn’t call.” Dean was more preoccupied with keeping Ben safe from Zoey, who had sat down on his knee to investigate his pacifier. The floodgates would open if she’d steal it. “No Zoeybear, that’s Ben’s. He can’t have your doll’s. Did he say where they were staying?”
“I have no clue, but they should get here in an hour or so. Claire, sweetheart, do you want to help me with Nick and pick his shirt?”
“Yes papa Cas!” She was off with Cas within seconds. Zoey just stared at her sister before shrugging and pressing a tiny kiss to the little boy’s cheek and turning back to her stroller.
“How about you wear your summer dress Zoey? The bear one?” She nodded, before holding up a dress for her new doll. “Do you want me to get her dressed too? Sure thing kiddo.”
An hour later, everybody was dressed and they were just waiting for the others to get there. Dean had started on making pancakes for everybody, knowing that they would probably be starving by the time that they arrived. It was no secret that Dean was a good chef. Cas almost felt blessed that he had Dean in his life to help him out and just be with him.
It was moments like these that he appreciated Dean even more, the moments that he sometimes seemed to fall in love with him all over again. He was patient as Zoey sat with him and insisted on helping him scoop the batter into the pan. Her mouth was all covered in chocolate that they’d put in them, something that he was sure Dean hadn’t planned on giving to her but she had stolen regardless.
“Where’s your da- Cas huh?” he asked her smiling, “Is he looking at us funny? Yeah?” Castiel looked up at that and shook his head. “You were dreaming babe.”
“Yeah, I know. I was just thinking.” He stepped behind Dean and snaked his hands around his waist.
“Don’t hurt your head, we wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself,” Dean teased, before flipping the last of the pancakes and rinsing the pan.
“Well I was thinking how lucky I am to have you, but I think I may have to change my opinion,” he quipped,  ruffling Zoey’s hair when she smiled at him and reached her arms up. “And Dean?” He waited until he looked at him before finishing his sentence. “You can say daddy or papa, I don’t…mind as much anymore. They’re saying it anyway.” He’d hated that they’d started calling them their fathers, but he realized now that they would eventually. They would regardless of Castiel’s not wanting them to. They still knew that Jimmy was their real father, that he and their mommy was gone. “How about we go play with your siblings huh? While waiting for grandpa John and Bobby to arrive so we can eat.”
John and Bobby arrived a few minutes later, a tired but contented looking Sam and Jess in tow. They were hungry and just a little bit grumpy, but the second that Dean told them there were pancakes waiting for everybody, they perked up like nothing had ever happened. The girls were still slightly terrified of Sam and Dean could help but smile as they hid behind Cas’s legs until Sam crouched down to get to their level.
“It’s okay Zoey,” Castiel whispered  as she hugged him a little tighter. “Uncle Sam won’t hurt a fly.” The girl looked doubting until Claire waggled towards him and stretched her arms up, demanding to be lifted in the air. She squealed as Sam put her up on his shoulder and grinned.
“Look at you, you’re taller than Dean now. Do you want to fly, like superman?”
“Superwoman,” Claire protested, but laughed as Sam lifted her up in the air and flew her around. Jessica was looking at Sam too, with that fondness in her eyes that told Castiel that they were good for each other, that they’d survive.
“Well, superwoman, how about we go eat some pancakes?” Claire nodded excitedly before climbing on Cas’s lap, proclaiming that she was too big for a high chair now. Cas just laughed as he cut his pancake up in bits for her to eat.
“Superwoman is a bit too big for high chairs huh? But not for papa Cas’s lap?”
“No papa!” she almost squealed. “Never too big!” They ate in almost silence after that, Ben and Nick’s slight cooes and whimpering the only sound except for the scraping of knifes against the plates. Sam hummed around his first bite of food, told Dean that he really had to learn him how to make those. Dean’s grin as he promised Jessica that he’d teach Sam how to make them so he could make them for her made Castiel almost melt.
Their guests were playing with the girls as Castiel quickly cleaned the dishes and pulled his coat on. He’d told Dean that he needed to be alone for a little bit and that was the truth. The thing about the twins’s birthday was that it reminded him that it was the first one for which Jimmy and Amelia wouldn’t be there and it hurt just a little bit more.
Zoey had asked him, all big eyes if he was okay and he’d reassured her with a shaking voice. He’d told her that he would just go pay a visit to her father. It had taken her a second, but she’d wrapped her arms around his body and hugged him.
“All okay. It all okay,” she promised him with a soft voice. “Come?”
“Do you want to come? Alright.”
Dean didn’t have a problem with him taking Ben and Zoey on the road with him. Zoey insisted on taking her stroller and baby doll with them and it struck him then just how much she was - they both were - mirroring him and Dean. Dean and he were always walking around with the strollers too.
“Papa & mama,” she whispered as Cas stopped in front of the grave, the smooth and polished stone.  There was a sadness in her eyes, tears pricking in them, but she didn’t say anything else.
“Yeah, that’s mommy and daddy,” he pulled her a little closer to him, hugged her tiny body. “They’re not here to celebrate in person, but they are here.”
“Right here,” she said, pressing her hand to her heart, “and here.” A tiny finger reached out to the medallion hanging around his neck. Castiel unhooked it from his neck and opened it up so she could see them smiling at her.
“That’s you, baby Zoey.” He pointed at the picture of a newborn Zoey cradled in Jimmy’s arms. “Here. Now mommy and daddy will always be here.” He hung the medallion around her neck, doubling it around so it wouldn’t hang to her knees.
“Will you stay papa Cas?” There were tears in her eyes as she asked him. “And daddy Dean?” It was the clearest that he’d heard her speak so far.
“Daddy Dean is going to be away for a little bit,” he warned her, “but he’s going to come back. And you’re going to see him. On the computer, like you sometimes talk to uncle Sam. I will stay here, okay? Papa Cas isn’t going anywhere.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “How about we’ll pray for daddy and mommy?” Castiel himself wasn’t particularly religious, but Jimmy had been. Jimmy had raised his daughters with a prayer before nighttime and weekly church visits. It was something that they’d partially dropped, only praying when the twins seemed to want to - something that was happening more often now - and not going to church. It wasn’t practical with their busy schedules to plan Sundays out, especially not with two babies in tow. Not that either Ben of Nick made a big fuss, they really didn’t want to risk it.
Castiel lead in prayer, prayed for Jimmy and Amelia’s wellbeing and also for that of the girls, for the boys. Zoey insisted on praying for him and Dean too, so they did until Zoey had a smile on her lips again. “Home?”
“Yeah, come on. We’ll go back to the others.”