10 days.
That's what we got.
I don't know what the future holds anymore, or where I will wind up at the end. I have but a few steps of it that I am aware of, and that is as they say, that.
A knot sits in my tummy, the like of which I haven't felt in years. Perhaps at the hands of particular break up, or the finding of out of information I didn't want to hear. It is a weird sensation, as I am literally dancing on a line separating two feelings that shouldn't be close enough to be separated by a line. The humiliation of it all has built up in me to the point of one of the purest anxiety attacks I've had since I was 20 is just waiting to burst through. On the other side of that line sits a through caution to the wind and just let it go attitude.
Both emotions are pointing towards the same landmark, a "Go do something with your life goddammit" kind of feeling. The only problem is one is masked in fear and the other is without restraint. It is a scary place to sit now that it comes to it and I understand fully my peril. Despair would consume me, if I let it, yet the strength in me lies not out of reach, but not in choice.
Too much has happened in too short a time, this year and last have been revelations lacking in any kind of lesson or epiphany. I have simply absorbed all the things that have hit me over the head and let them run their course, letting them change me as little as possible. I should never have done that.
I can only hope that help un-looked for comes, not in the sense of a hand out, but in the sense of an opportunity. Every attempt I make to create on has backfired, but it won't stop me from doing so, it's just I could really use a hand.
I no not what else to do. I wish everyone good fortune, and the ability to pursue their dreams unhindered by fear. Perhaps I should wish that for myself as well?
I guess I will. At this point I might need to be more self-serving.
Goodnight. I love you all.
I don't know what the future holds anymore, or where I will wind up at the end. I have but a few steps of it that I am aware of, and that is as they say, that.
A knot sits in my tummy, the like of which I haven't felt in years. Perhaps at the hands of particular break up, or the finding of out of information I didn't want to hear. It is a weird sensation, as I am literally dancing on a line separating two feelings that shouldn't be close enough to be separated by a line. The humiliation of it all has built up in me to the point of one of the purest anxiety attacks I've had since I was 20 is just waiting to burst through. On the other side of that line sits a through caution to the wind and just let it go attitude.
Both emotions are pointing towards the same landmark, a "Go do something with your life goddammit" kind of feeling. The only problem is one is masked in fear and the other is without restraint. It is a scary place to sit now that it comes to it and I understand fully my peril. Despair would consume me, if I let it, yet the strength in me lies not out of reach, but not in choice.
Too much has happened in too short a time, this year and last have been revelations lacking in any kind of lesson or epiphany. I have simply absorbed all the things that have hit me over the head and let them run their course, letting them change me as little as possible. I should never have done that.
I can only hope that help un-looked for comes, not in the sense of a hand out, but in the sense of an opportunity. Every attempt I make to create on has backfired, but it won't stop me from doing so, it's just I could really use a hand.
I no not what else to do. I wish everyone good fortune, and the ability to pursue their dreams unhindered by fear. Perhaps I should wish that for myself as well?
I guess I will. At this point I might need to be more self-serving.
Goodnight. I love you all.