Rarely have I ever needed more and gained less...
My life, to this point, has been pretty even keeled, though I would say full of unexpected twists and turns, the likes of which I certainly couldn't believe to be non-scripted in some way. My script is full of irony and madness.
I claim no special place over anyone else in life. I simply have dealt with things more shocking than your average person. Things that people have trouble giving you advice about. Things that there are no advice for, and things taken out of context, very few can understand. Taken in context, even fewer still.
I am now paying the price for my perception and indecision. Lack of focus and clarity have finally caught up with me here, and the problem is, if it was just me suffering for this, I wouldn't mind as much. Personally I can live in a car. I already do if you ask some people. I can be content hovering near zero. In the end I am a simple creature, easily contented in masking myself in other people's problems and enjoying my life on limited means.
My problem is of course, this doesn't just affect me, and it isn't really my problem beyond the logistics. It is for all intents and purposes, my mother's.
My mother is not me. My mother has carried the weight of so many burdens in her life that she has become transparent. She has lived a life much stranger than mine, though filled with nearly the same tragedies. Her highs were wonderful and her experiences grand in comparison to most people. She played in arenas few can even fathom and through as much good fortune as one person can possibly have, found a way to stay in them for a few encores.
She's also suffered horrific heartbreak. Revelations and burdens that would bring most people to their knees. Through it all she did not allow herself to fail and set an example that few will pay attention to. Mostly for the sheer audacity of it and not for the lesson it would teach them. She hoped and dreamed and fought and got what she needed when she needed it. So what is the problem Daniel?
She never did it for herself.
Now that she is laid bare to me as a human being more so than she ever has been in my entire life, I now fear that the choice I must make may destroy her. We have been very close our whole lives, mostly because as time went on, fewer and fewer reliable people could be found. The safety net unraveled beneath our feet. The shell that protected her for so long peeled away slowly after my grandmother's sickness and eventual death, and three became two. The burden lifted a bit. She has not been the same since.
I was lazy and ungrateful for awhile during those times. I am a spoiled brat in some ways. Noble and well intentioned I would justify in a pinch, but very spoiled. But as time has gone on and I became less enraptured with myself I saw something that bothered me more than anything I could fathom growing as the years went on. It was fear.
Family wise, we have been two and only two, for a very long time. So now that it comes to it, in the pride she took and the spoils it has brought, I see now the truth that has only escaped me out of pity for so long and only ever dwelt in her nightmares as a person in need of a burden to carry. If I finally show the quality in which I am capable, that which she already knows to be true in her heart, it will most likely leave her a with nothing at all.
That revelation being of course, that I don't need her. I love her, she is my mother, but I don't need her to provide for both me and her anymore. The problem is that it has become horrifically obvious that she needs me. It will be the final blow to her to be left holding nothing in her life and in that I place my personal fears more than anything else. Those who carry burdens for too long, miss them when they are gone, mourning them like dead lovers never to return even though they never gave you anything but pain.
I don't claim to know the limits of the human heart and what it can endure, but I know that her's has endured much. These aren't baseless fears, born of phantoms or egotistical perceptions dancing within my brain. I can see it in her eyes. I have watched the will leave them as her burdens have fallen away. I have seen where it will most likely leave her and what it will leave her with.
The issue is not in that I know it will destroy her, for I claim no such certainty in anything in life. The issue is in that I don't know what will happen if it does. The will to live is so very important in this world. If you don't have it you will not survive very long. The older you are the less you can rely on a certain level of anger and misery to drive your life. The more you must project of your own importance to others and what they may need from you as opposed to what you need from yourself.
I know that I must trust to human nature and more than likely expect too much of it in the end. For it cannot go on this way anymore, nor could it have, had this not happened. I can only hope beyond hope that I am wrong on all accounts and her reasons for existing are not tied as much as I fear they are to the necessity of others.
I suppose that is all. Good night.
I claim no special place over anyone else in life. I simply have dealt with things more shocking than your average person. Things that people have trouble giving you advice about. Things that there are no advice for, and things taken out of context, very few can understand. Taken in context, even fewer still.
I am now paying the price for my perception and indecision. Lack of focus and clarity have finally caught up with me here, and the problem is, if it was just me suffering for this, I wouldn't mind as much. Personally I can live in a car. I already do if you ask some people. I can be content hovering near zero. In the end I am a simple creature, easily contented in masking myself in other people's problems and enjoying my life on limited means.
My problem is of course, this doesn't just affect me, and it isn't really my problem beyond the logistics. It is for all intents and purposes, my mother's.
My mother is not me. My mother has carried the weight of so many burdens in her life that she has become transparent. She has lived a life much stranger than mine, though filled with nearly the same tragedies. Her highs were wonderful and her experiences grand in comparison to most people. She played in arenas few can even fathom and through as much good fortune as one person can possibly have, found a way to stay in them for a few encores.
She's also suffered horrific heartbreak. Revelations and burdens that would bring most people to their knees. Through it all she did not allow herself to fail and set an example that few will pay attention to. Mostly for the sheer audacity of it and not for the lesson it would teach them. She hoped and dreamed and fought and got what she needed when she needed it. So what is the problem Daniel?
She never did it for herself.
Now that she is laid bare to me as a human being more so than she ever has been in my entire life, I now fear that the choice I must make may destroy her. We have been very close our whole lives, mostly because as time went on, fewer and fewer reliable people could be found. The safety net unraveled beneath our feet. The shell that protected her for so long peeled away slowly after my grandmother's sickness and eventual death, and three became two. The burden lifted a bit. She has not been the same since.
I was lazy and ungrateful for awhile during those times. I am a spoiled brat in some ways. Noble and well intentioned I would justify in a pinch, but very spoiled. But as time has gone on and I became less enraptured with myself I saw something that bothered me more than anything I could fathom growing as the years went on. It was fear.
Family wise, we have been two and only two, for a very long time. So now that it comes to it, in the pride she took and the spoils it has brought, I see now the truth that has only escaped me out of pity for so long and only ever dwelt in her nightmares as a person in need of a burden to carry. If I finally show the quality in which I am capable, that which she already knows to be true in her heart, it will most likely leave her a with nothing at all.
That revelation being of course, that I don't need her. I love her, she is my mother, but I don't need her to provide for both me and her anymore. The problem is that it has become horrifically obvious that she needs me. It will be the final blow to her to be left holding nothing in her life and in that I place my personal fears more than anything else. Those who carry burdens for too long, miss them when they are gone, mourning them like dead lovers never to return even though they never gave you anything but pain.
I don't claim to know the limits of the human heart and what it can endure, but I know that her's has endured much. These aren't baseless fears, born of phantoms or egotistical perceptions dancing within my brain. I can see it in her eyes. I have watched the will leave them as her burdens have fallen away. I have seen where it will most likely leave her and what it will leave her with.
The issue is not in that I know it will destroy her, for I claim no such certainty in anything in life. The issue is in that I don't know what will happen if it does. The will to live is so very important in this world. If you don't have it you will not survive very long. The older you are the less you can rely on a certain level of anger and misery to drive your life. The more you must project of your own importance to others and what they may need from you as opposed to what you need from yourself.
I know that I must trust to human nature and more than likely expect too much of it in the end. For it cannot go on this way anymore, nor could it have, had this not happened. I can only hope beyond hope that I am wrong on all accounts and her reasons for existing are not tied as much as I fear they are to the necessity of others.
I suppose that is all. Good night.