Jun 30, 2008 20:12
i really do love mexico. it's amazing. my host family is the cutest the food is delicious and everywhere i travel is beautiful.
but i feel like part of me is missing.
i haven't spoken to chris in almost 3 weeks. that's quite a long time. the longest i've gone without speaking to him. but i'm okay with it. sometimes i think i miss him but i realize it's not him i'm missing.... it's the way i felt about him such a long time ago that i'm missing.
i find myself daydreaming about a boy who will hold me longer than just one night and i literally slap myself when i have these thoughts. no, i do not want a boyfriend. no, i CAN NOT want a boyfriend. and so i'd like to fast forward to school right about now.
i feel ready to give again. i've been taking for about 6 months now. i mean... yes there have been times where i wanted to give but was either a) giving to someone who wasn't ready or willing to receive or b) giving unwillingly and in a obligated sort of way. i'm worried that i'll never feel the way i felt 3 years ago. my heart has been hurt... my head has grown stronger. i guess that's what is supposed to happen. that is why i don't want to get married.
and i've fallen into the "just friends" role with someone and it feels all too familiar. and i can't help but wonder if it might end up like chris and i. that gives me some hope. until then i will be enjoying my drunken nights in mexico feeling an aching sensation in my chest can be cured with 2 shots of tequila and dancing on bars... i'm sure of it.
jeannie.