worries and anxieties
not having people to talk to about my anxieties brings me to this page.
people around me are getting worried. yup, the virus is spreading, i have just received the first (definitely not the last) rejection of my grant applications, my correspondence with a potential research host partner has mysteriously come to an end, my lack of confidence in my four orals fields-all these are actually making me quite anxious and worried as the clock ticks. i tell myself that i have to be mentally prepared to be kicked out of the program-which is not a remote possibility-since nothing is confirmed as yet. but, when interacting with my peers, they all seemed so worried even though i think they are in a far better position than i am. for example, some have received acceptance from their grant applications, and honestly, their intellect is far far superior than mine. to them i seemed to be less worried, but am i?
i am just putting up a front that i am still able to manage things. having the health scare last semester really set things in perspective for me. i don't want to risk my health for anything else. if i fail, so be it. i just need to take things as it is. look on the bright side (i.e., i have received a MA already, i had the experience of living in the big apple, etc.) and move on.
i asked myself what went wrong in the grant application and the failed correspondence. was my application not as good as my peers? did i say something out of line in the emails? i know i definitely played a role in it but i also realized dwelling in it for too long is not going to help. the results are final. the process is, unfortunately, not transparent. so i will never know exactly why i failed anyway.
to me, knowing the results is better than having things still up in the air. i am kind of relieved for that. in fact, i am more pessimistic now than before, ironically, about the pending results for my other applications. i guess, i know that there is a back-up plan at the end of it-not the most desirable-but with things as uncertain as it is right now, i don't think worrying over these uncertainties is going to help. yup, i need to learn to cope with UNCERTAINTY. not an easy thing to do, but am learning.
a close friend once critiqued and exposed me for my insecurities by trying to mask my real emotions whenever i replied "chill out." yup. i am the most un-chilled whenever i respond to others "chill out." yet i am still doing the same today.
it seems i still have a long way to go.