#reverb10 - March Prompt: 30 Days to Live. What To Do?
This is also cross-posted at AGGASPLETCH...but I thought I'd share it here as well.
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The question/prompt: If March 2011 was your last month to live, how would you live it?
It would be easy for me to be glib, to say that there were multiple things I would want to do. Things such as:
- Travel to places I’ve never been. London, for example.
- Go skydiving
- Eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. 30 days, no consequences. Well, except for maybe constipation.
- Drink in tranquil sunsets, take long walks and smell the roses, do those naturey things I haven’t yet or haven’t done in years.
- Blah, blah, blah…
These all have one thing in common; Me. All of these activities would be about me. What I want, and it leaves out those who would be left behind. I’m old enough now to have lost loved ones. Some who had time, knowing they were going to die, and took that time to make peace with others. Not for themselves so much, but the tranquility that comes with peace in your heart. It was for those left behind.
Because, our Loved Ones will be left holding the bag. Precious little is to be gained by my going skydiving, except causing needless worry about my last days possibly being spent in a cast because I broke something. I won’t be around long enough to savor the memories of a wonderful trip, and the memory will be bittersweet for any who went with me, I would think.
As I get closer and closer to 50, I realize that I am on the downside side of the Life Curve. My days ahead are fewer than the ones behind. Priorities change, and what is important becomes different. I believe that the realization of how close I came to dying last year has also factored heavily into my thinking on this. It’s a scary thing to ask people who are trying to save your life, "Am I gonna die?" and be left with silence for an answer.
With these thoughts in mind, I would spend March 2011 doing the following:
- I would do my damnedest to reconcile the broken relationship with my sister. Not for my sake, because I would be beyond caring by month end. That, and I am past the point of losing sleep over it. You can only apologize for being a dick head brother so many times before it rings hollow to both parties.
No, I would want her to be at peace with me for her own good. Festering animosity will only debilitate my sister. It will eat at her, and have no outlet. I won’t be there for her to say, "I forgive you" and that will make it very hard. I want very much for her soul, her spirit to be at peace. We, neither of us, can change the past. And I was a real douche bag to her when we were kids, no argument there. But she was no picnic either and I just chalk it up to difficult times and us being kids. I love her and have always wanted nothing but the best for her. Hanging on to the anger inhibits that.
Were this to happen, I would die happy.
- I would spend time with my daughter. So that she might know me better, and know…really know that I love her. Considering things as they are, this is important to me. More than this I cannot say at this time.
Were this to happen, I would die happy.
- And finally, I would love Elaine. Love being a verb requires action. I would DO for Elaine. Hold her, hold her hand, muss her hair, and try like hell to soothe her into not being so terribly sad when I was gone, and knowing I would fail miserably. I would make damn sure that she knew that marrying her was the wisest thing I’ve ever done. That I have considered myself the most blessed and fortunate of men to have been loved as you have loved me, to have been a valued as you have valued me, to have been as honored as you have honored me. You do this daily, My Elaine. This, this I would surely miss.
I would tickle Elaine, love Elaine and cry with Elaine. Take those walks with Elaine and let Elaine enjoy our time together.
Were this to happen, I would die happy.
These are the things I would do were I to know that I would pass away at the end of this month. Oh, and eat a pound of bacon every day because A) I could and B) There’s always time for bacon.