confronting worries
I've not been writing much because although there are a lot of things going on, some days I really don't have the energy or time to sit down properly to write. At some point I'm going to have to rely on using my phone to post any sort of update, but otherwise I usually prefer to sit down properly at the table, tune out the world around me, and then write.
I finally got round to washing a bunch of baby clothes, swaddles, linen, mittens, etc. The current scorching weather has turned me into a laundry fiend - I find it particularly satisfying to look outside and see the clothes drying in the hot sun, and the clean fresh smell from sun-dried clothes is probably the only good thing about the mad weather right now. I have been reduced to sleeping with both the air-conditioning and the electric fan turned on at the same time. My bare hands radiate heat, as though I could be a character on X-Men. I can't tell how much of this comes from being hugely pregnant and how much of it is from the heat, but it's mad and it totally enervates me.
At some point I'm going to have to dredge up some energy to do the final nesting stuff for Bao. The bassinet, the infant carseat and the stroller have all been cleaned and set up, the clothes and linen have been washed, and I just really need to organise some bits and bobs, but otherwise I think we're all set. I haven't packed a hospital bag for myself yet, nor a stayover bag for The Bun, but that should be easy enough to do. We've actually bought very little for Bao, since all of the baby stuff we had with The Bun is in good condition and can mostly be reused, gender be damned. Last weekend I felt a bit sorry for Bao and bought two rompers for it, so that makes like er... five new outfits it has in total. I know that I'll be relying heavily on retail therapy to get myself through the next few grueling months, so I'll leave the clothes shopping for later.
A part of my brain can't quite believe this baby is due in three weeks. My doctor is fairly certain it will be either on time or slightly late, like The Bun, but I still have a vague nagging feeling that it will be a little early. Bao, incidentally, is growing ahead of the curve and weighing a bit more than it should at this gestational age. Doctor thinks that it's going to be bigger than The Bun was at birth. I certainly feel it (and look it!). Anyway, I'm still doing a lot of running around as usual, making the most of my time and trying to enjoy the (small) calm before the storm. I read. I snooze. I try to let The Bun enjoy his last few weeks as an only child.
And I worry. Boy, do I worry. It's as though I haven't learnt anything from having a baby the first time round. Everything from feeding to losing my sleep to guilt to dealing with family... it's just too much, and rationally I know it's because I don't like losing control, losing the nice routine that J and The Bun and my family and I have sort of settled into, and feeling like I have to do it all over again, a more complicated and chaotic version to boot. I know I just have to roll with it and at some point it will sort itself out, we will find a balance again.
J and I haven't even decided on a name yet. I have two big contenders rattling around in my head but J isn't fully convinced and still wants to browse a baby name book. I'm guessing that when Bao finally arrives, we'll figure it out. The Chinese name is more or less sorted - J's father chose it, like he did for The Bun, and I'm happy enough with the way it sounds and its meaning.
The Bun has been asking some interesting questions about Bao. In the last couple of days we've discussed how a baby comes out of the mummy's tummy - didn't think I'd need to explain the mechanics so early! I just gave him the direct facts without too much detail; at least he hasn't asked yet how the baby got into the tummy to begin with. He has also asked a few times if Bao is naked inside me, and why doesn't it wear clothes?
I feel like I've prepared him for the new arrival adequately - reading books, involving him in the baby prep stuff, discussing how babies behave etc - but I fully expect him to act up. He's already being much more clingy than usual, and I've realise that as much as I can prepare or 'train' him for independence, he's still a bit of a baby himself, and I need to keep that in mind, and be kinder to him. Some days he really drives me nuts with his whining, his meltdowns, and his sheer oppositional will, and I find myself responding by turning aloof and stern, probably not what he needs when there's so much change coming up for him. I'm just so eager for him to be an independent 'big boy' so that I can focus on Bao, that I tend to forget that he's still learning and he has a lot to absorb and figure out.
J is away in India for work this week, his last work trip hopefully for this year. My mother and I discussed the confinement month tonight. Basically, we're not going to get a nanny because having a stranger in the flat gives J and me way more stress than necessary. Although my mother has offered to cook for me for the month I don't think she can manage cooking two meals a day along with helping me with the baby, so I'm going to compromise and order tingkat food and just wing it. At least we'll get fed somehow, and my mother can cook various tonics and confinement foods to add on to the usual stuff if she can manage it. I don't care for confinement rules and nutrition at all, although I know she does, but I've explained that my priority for the first month is really just to survive it (and the next month, and the next) and things like ginger and food don't really make the cut for me. She seems to understand, but we'll see; knowing us, I anticipate fights. I just want to cut out as many stress points as I can.
The baby hasn't even arrived and I'm already feeling stressed/guilty/angsty. One more reminder for myself: look forward to Bao! Just because I was traumatised the first time round with The Bun doesn't mean that the same thing will repeat itself. The stress that surrounds Bao is entirely of my own imagining and worrying - the baby itself just is, and is to be anticipated, welcomed, and cherished. Surely I can remember this. Surely.
I finally got round to washing a bunch of baby clothes, swaddles, linen, mittens, etc. The current scorching weather has turned me into a laundry fiend - I find it particularly satisfying to look outside and see the clothes drying in the hot sun, and the clean fresh smell from sun-dried clothes is probably the only good thing about the mad weather right now. I have been reduced to sleeping with both the air-conditioning and the electric fan turned on at the same time. My bare hands radiate heat, as though I could be a character on X-Men. I can't tell how much of this comes from being hugely pregnant and how much of it is from the heat, but it's mad and it totally enervates me.
At some point I'm going to have to dredge up some energy to do the final nesting stuff for Bao. The bassinet, the infant carseat and the stroller have all been cleaned and set up, the clothes and linen have been washed, and I just really need to organise some bits and bobs, but otherwise I think we're all set. I haven't packed a hospital bag for myself yet, nor a stayover bag for The Bun, but that should be easy enough to do. We've actually bought very little for Bao, since all of the baby stuff we had with The Bun is in good condition and can mostly be reused, gender be damned. Last weekend I felt a bit sorry for Bao and bought two rompers for it, so that makes like er... five new outfits it has in total. I know that I'll be relying heavily on retail therapy to get myself through the next few grueling months, so I'll leave the clothes shopping for later.
A part of my brain can't quite believe this baby is due in three weeks. My doctor is fairly certain it will be either on time or slightly late, like The Bun, but I still have a vague nagging feeling that it will be a little early. Bao, incidentally, is growing ahead of the curve and weighing a bit more than it should at this gestational age. Doctor thinks that it's going to be bigger than The Bun was at birth. I certainly feel it (and look it!). Anyway, I'm still doing a lot of running around as usual, making the most of my time and trying to enjoy the (small) calm before the storm. I read. I snooze. I try to let The Bun enjoy his last few weeks as an only child.
And I worry. Boy, do I worry. It's as though I haven't learnt anything from having a baby the first time round. Everything from feeding to losing my sleep to guilt to dealing with family... it's just too much, and rationally I know it's because I don't like losing control, losing the nice routine that J and The Bun and my family and I have sort of settled into, and feeling like I have to do it all over again, a more complicated and chaotic version to boot. I know I just have to roll with it and at some point it will sort itself out, we will find a balance again.
J and I haven't even decided on a name yet. I have two big contenders rattling around in my head but J isn't fully convinced and still wants to browse a baby name book. I'm guessing that when Bao finally arrives, we'll figure it out. The Chinese name is more or less sorted - J's father chose it, like he did for The Bun, and I'm happy enough with the way it sounds and its meaning.
The Bun has been asking some interesting questions about Bao. In the last couple of days we've discussed how a baby comes out of the mummy's tummy - didn't think I'd need to explain the mechanics so early! I just gave him the direct facts without too much detail; at least he hasn't asked yet how the baby got into the tummy to begin with. He has also asked a few times if Bao is naked inside me, and why doesn't it wear clothes?
I feel like I've prepared him for the new arrival adequately - reading books, involving him in the baby prep stuff, discussing how babies behave etc - but I fully expect him to act up. He's already being much more clingy than usual, and I've realise that as much as I can prepare or 'train' him for independence, he's still a bit of a baby himself, and I need to keep that in mind, and be kinder to him. Some days he really drives me nuts with his whining, his meltdowns, and his sheer oppositional will, and I find myself responding by turning aloof and stern, probably not what he needs when there's so much change coming up for him. I'm just so eager for him to be an independent 'big boy' so that I can focus on Bao, that I tend to forget that he's still learning and he has a lot to absorb and figure out.
J is away in India for work this week, his last work trip hopefully for this year. My mother and I discussed the confinement month tonight. Basically, we're not going to get a nanny because having a stranger in the flat gives J and me way more stress than necessary. Although my mother has offered to cook for me for the month I don't think she can manage cooking two meals a day along with helping me with the baby, so I'm going to compromise and order tingkat food and just wing it. At least we'll get fed somehow, and my mother can cook various tonics and confinement foods to add on to the usual stuff if she can manage it. I don't care for confinement rules and nutrition at all, although I know she does, but I've explained that my priority for the first month is really just to survive it (and the next month, and the next) and things like ginger and food don't really make the cut for me. She seems to understand, but we'll see; knowing us, I anticipate fights. I just want to cut out as many stress points as I can.
The baby hasn't even arrived and I'm already feeling stressed/guilty/angsty. One more reminder for myself: look forward to Bao! Just because I was traumatised the first time round with The Bun doesn't mean that the same thing will repeat itself. The stress that surrounds Bao is entirely of my own imagining and worrying - the baby itself just is, and is to be anticipated, welcomed, and cherished. Surely I can remember this. Surely.