Before I fall asleep tonight
I'm faced with many things that I could not have foreseen. Never did I ever think that I would bury 2 child in 6 months time. Never did I expect to even have a miscarriage. I never thought I would lose my child, let alone two. Never would I have thought that I could be this strong.
I am doing better than I could have predicted. This is so hard and so painful, but God has given me the strength I begged for, and at the same time never wanted to have. I never wanted to have the strength to survive with grace and courage and yet I find that I have both. I don't have answers and I don't need them. I don't know why, but God does and I trust Him. I begged God today for the baby to be alive. I begged and pleaded but it wasn't meant to be and in the moments where I had doubts that the baby was alive, I begged for His strength so that I could make it through. He said no to one of my prayers and yes to the other. He gave me His strength and it is through Him that I will make it through again.
I am not angry with God. I have never been angry with God and it is one of the graces that He gave me. More over I do not want to be angry with God. I also do not feel like a failure. I know I did all I could for my baby and I tried my best. This was meant to be. I'm not angry with myself. I feel blessed. I have Andrew and Luke and I was blessed to have Zach and this baby for as long as I had them. I vowed, when I got pregnant this time, that I would enjoy every minute and never wallow in the hard times that pregnancy brings and I think that I did very well. I enjoyed this baby, knowing that my time might be fleeting and that I may never hold my baby in my hands alive. I loved it as best as I could and I hoped for the best, even though I knew it might end up being the worst. Life is too precious to hold out only for the worst.
This remains the saddest part of my life. I don't have a grief bigger than losing my children. I am hoping that we will be able to tell if the baby is a boy or girl. If we can, we have decided that if the baby is a boy, we will name him Tobias which means "gift from God" and if it is a girl, we will name her Grace as it is only grace that gets us through. If we can't tell, then I think we might name it Angel.
I don't know if the future will hold more pregnancies or not. I don't know if we will move towards adopting or not. I don't know and I think it needs a lot of prayerful consideration before we go one way or the other. It is a decision that Jonathan and I will make together in the coming months.
Thank you all for your prayers and your positive thoughts and well wishes! You are truly a God given blessing to me (whether you believe it or not, it's what I believe) and I am so grateful for each of you!
Much Love!
~Sarah
I am doing better than I could have predicted. This is so hard and so painful, but God has given me the strength I begged for, and at the same time never wanted to have. I never wanted to have the strength to survive with grace and courage and yet I find that I have both. I don't have answers and I don't need them. I don't know why, but God does and I trust Him. I begged God today for the baby to be alive. I begged and pleaded but it wasn't meant to be and in the moments where I had doubts that the baby was alive, I begged for His strength so that I could make it through. He said no to one of my prayers and yes to the other. He gave me His strength and it is through Him that I will make it through again.
I am not angry with God. I have never been angry with God and it is one of the graces that He gave me. More over I do not want to be angry with God. I also do not feel like a failure. I know I did all I could for my baby and I tried my best. This was meant to be. I'm not angry with myself. I feel blessed. I have Andrew and Luke and I was blessed to have Zach and this baby for as long as I had them. I vowed, when I got pregnant this time, that I would enjoy every minute and never wallow in the hard times that pregnancy brings and I think that I did very well. I enjoyed this baby, knowing that my time might be fleeting and that I may never hold my baby in my hands alive. I loved it as best as I could and I hoped for the best, even though I knew it might end up being the worst. Life is too precious to hold out only for the worst.
This remains the saddest part of my life. I don't have a grief bigger than losing my children. I am hoping that we will be able to tell if the baby is a boy or girl. If we can, we have decided that if the baby is a boy, we will name him Tobias which means "gift from God" and if it is a girl, we will name her Grace as it is only grace that gets us through. If we can't tell, then I think we might name it Angel.
I don't know if the future will hold more pregnancies or not. I don't know if we will move towards adopting or not. I don't know and I think it needs a lot of prayerful consideration before we go one way or the other. It is a decision that Jonathan and I will make together in the coming months.
Thank you all for your prayers and your positive thoughts and well wishes! You are truly a God given blessing to me (whether you believe it or not, it's what I believe) and I am so grateful for each of you!
Much Love!
~Sarah