rediscovery
so one day i was bored so i wrote a spoof of the Phantom of the Opera much in the style of that one person's movie spoofs. i forgot how bad-but-funny it is.
Carlotta: I am da mostamazing seeengerrr everrr! LA LA LA
Phantom: *from the ceiling* no you're not. You're just here because you're not good enough to sing in Italy. *tears down backdrop*
Carlotta: Whaaaaaaah mya dress eet iiz rueened! But eet iz okay. He love me. He love me love me love me.
Phantom: no, i really don't. i hate you. go home, bitch!
Carlotta: Whaaaaaaah. I am leaving unteel I get a love letter from everyone een da worrld. and lots of chocolate and jewelrrry. Den I weel think about coming backa. Den you must geev me a new dog and a greenhouse of rrroses. And you haf to do eet, because i keel alla my understudies and you hava no one elsa buta me! *storms out*
Andre and Fireman: shit. we should have stayed in the junk/scrap metal business. *to old owner* can we un-buy the opera/mad house?
Old Owner: of course not! *takes the money and runs* suckers...
Andre and firman: well shit. maybe we could dress up a monkey and shock it until it screams. that's close enough, right?
Mme Giry: That won't be necessary. Christine Daae can sing it.
Andre and Firmen: we thought carlotta killed all her understudies
Mme Giry: she did, but this is a secret understudy who's been trained by a psychotic disfigured genius who's in love with her only she doesn't know that because her father gave her drugs when she was little and she thinks her teacher is an angel sent by her father's ghost to instruct her in music instead of a creepy old man and now he wants to make her the new prima donna and i'm helping him because i feel sorry for him and i secretly want him to love me instead and....never mind.
Andre and Firmen: huh? we were too busy fondling easy chorus girls to pay attention to you.
Mme. Giry: that's probably a good thing. otherwise the show would have ended right now.
*that night*
Christine: Think of me...when i go back to being a dancer....'cause i'm a person too....
Raoul: oh man, she's soo hawt! i wonder if she'll sleep with me!
Phantom: leave her alone. she's mine.
*later*
Raoul: hey ..uh...girl...don't i know you from somewhere?
Christine: oh you remembered! I love you!
Raoul: wow. ...of course i remembered...i met you....uh...when...uh...
Christine: we were childhood friends, down by the sea, and my father told us really weird stories and we had crazy magic picnics with the opium he stored in hte attic and you rescued my scarf...
Raoul: oh yeah...those were really ...special... times...how could anyone forget? and now that i see you again i'm crazy about you. how about dropping by my really luxurious apartment for a few drinks and i can dazzle you with my wealth?
Christine: oh, raoul, i can't! i've still got a curfew!
Raoul: wow. that's ...weird. *leaves*
Phantom: Christine, don't you talk to that boy again. he's a bad influence. now take your medicine and come with me.
Christine [who is now high]: i love you angelofmusic i worship you and where are you are you inside this amazing rose mmmmsmellstastes so good*giggles*
Phantom: come through this magic mirror and i will take you to fairyland where you will sleep in a swan bed in a magic lake
Christine: oooooo
*next day*
Christine: wow! i don't remember anything that happened last night! i feel terrible. angel make me stop hurting. angel? you're not listening to me! *pulls off his mask* look at me when i ...oh my god!
Phantom: goddammit! i'm going to have to double your drug dosage next time.
Christine: i wanna go home.
Phantom: fine. but first you have to apologize and promise you'll never do that again.
*elsewhere*
Firmen: the seats are packed! this is great!
Andre: no it's not. now we have two cast members missing.
Firmen: don't worry about that. we still have the monkeys. say, did you get a mysterious letter today?
Andre: indeed i did. and very rude it was, too.
Firmen: yeah, this Og person wants us to give him money but doesn't tell us where to send it. the man is clearly mad.
Raoul: Whaah i got hate mail!
Andre and Firmen: we didn't do it, so quit whining.
Carlotta: I got a bad note too. I hate eet! I hate all of you! Where eez christine i am going to keel herrr!
Andre, Firmen and Raoul: we didn't do it, so quit whining.
Mme Giry: by the way, christine is back and the Opera Ghost says she'd better take carlotta's role again or he's going to make all your lives a living hell.
Firmen and Andre: nonsense. our lives are already a living hell. / Carlotta: Whaaaaaaaaaah. But da people dey love ME! / Raoul: hey! she slept with someone else! no fair!
Firmen,Andre,Carlotta, and Raoul: No way is Christine getting hte lead tonight.
Mme Giry: Idiots
*that night*
Raoul: ooo look! the last empty seat!
Phantom: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SITTING ON ME?? AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING? oh wait...well...NO ONE LISTENED TO ME AND I HATE YOU CARLOTTA SO I'M TAKING OUT ALL MY ANGER ON YOU *shoves a toad down her throat*
Carlotta: whaaa croak aaaah croak haaaaaa croak ahhhh
Christine: I get to sing again! what a pleasant surprise!
Andre and Firmen: this would be so funny if it didn't mean we were going to lose a lot of money. we've got to distract them! uh...dancers! go...dance!
Raoul: this chair is lumpy.
*Dead body appears*
Everyone: oh my god!
Phantom: whoops. i knew i should have done my spring cleaning early this year.
Christine and Raoul: let's go make out on the roof while everyone's distracted!
*another day*
Everyone: woohoo! let's party!
Christine: Raoul, i don't think we should tell people we're enganged until i know you're not going to break it off as soon as i sleep with you.
Raoul: dammit!
Phantom: I told you to stay away from that boy! that's it; you're grounded!
Christine: how'd you know it was him? this is a masquerade.
Phantom: you left your masks in that hallway back there.
Christine: oh.
Phantom: oh by the way everyone here's my life's work. Christine gets the lead role of course. Carlotta plays a monkey. it's going to be your next show. Perform it or DIE!
Andre and Firmen: for a life's work this sounds pretty terrible.
Phantom: Shut up, I'm just ahead of my time
*one morning*
Christine: I'm going to visit my father's grave!
Phantom [in diguise]: I'll give you a ride; just wait until i finish wiping the blood off the seat so it doesn't stain.
Raoul: maybe if i go comfort her while she's mourning she'll sleep with me and i won't have to go through with this whole engagement thing
*at the cemetery*
Christine: i love you daddy
Phantom: And daddy loves you.
Raoul: Hey, you're not her dad!
Phantom: of course not. i'm the angel sent by her father to protect her.
Raoul: but that doesn't...
Phantom: *bitchslaps Raoul* shut up. she's mine, okay?
Christine: oh no! please don't fight!
Phantom: whatever. go play with your toy. You'll be bored with him soon, anyway.
*later*
Raoul: let's arrest this phantom guy and put him in jail! We can get christine to tell us when he shows up and then we'll get him for sure!
Everyone: wow! why didn't we do that before?
Mme. Giry: because it won't work, that's why
Everyone: nonsense! look here come the secret police!
Secret police: *STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP* WE'RE HERE TO CATCH THE PHANTOM. HAHAHA. WE'RE SO INCONSPICUOUS HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING TO HIM!
Mme Giry / Phantom: idiots...
*during the opera*
Phantom: *kills Piangi and takes his place*
Everyone: wow! how did Piangi get so tall and skinny all the sudden? he must have tried the atkins diet!
Phantom: resistance is futile, christine. come with me.
Christine: okay, but can we finish this song first? it's so hot!
Phantom: okay. i guess it would be a shame to let an opera set in Hell go to waste.
*piangi's body falls onto the stage*
Phantom: not again!
Christine: what's that?
Phantom: oh that...that's just a scarecrow prop from when they did the Wizard of Oz. must have left it in the cupboard by accident. nothing to worry about. Oops, look at hte time. We've got to get going. we're going to miss the wedding
Christine: what wedding?
Phantom: it's a surprise. now close your eyes real tight and don't open them until i say so...
*poof*
Raoul: how did this happen? i told her to tell me when he showed up. why didn't she tell me?
Mme Giry: because she likes him better and because a dead body fell on the stage before she could do anything.
Raoul: i don't remember that
Mme Giry: that's because you were sleeping. but come with me and i will lead you to the phantom so he can kill you for your astounding stupidity.
Raoul: wonderful!
Mme Giry: i guess out of the goodness of my heart i should warn you to keep your hand at the level of your eyes at all times so you at least have a chance of fighting him before you die
Raoul: but that makes me look like a pansy
Mme Giry: ... just go.
*in the background*Everyone: there's something in the basement! lets go kill it!
Raoul: eew this place is slimey
Phantom: ah-ha! mme. giry told me you were coming! now i can kill you!
Raoul: whaaahhaaaahhaaahhh
Christine: Raoul, it's over. i decided to marry the phantom instead; just go home.
Raoul: but you're so hawt! and he's so ugly! why, christine, why?
Phantom: can i please kill him? pleeeeeease?
Christine: no that's a sin.
Phantom: then what am i supposed to do? i'm the villain!
Christine: how about i pretend to go with him and then i'll ditch him and come back to you after everyone is done searching for you?
Phantom: and you promise you'll come back? you're not fooling me are you?
Christine: of course i'll come back. i love you. *kisses phantom*
Raoul: whaaaahaahaaaa! eeeewwww! whaaaahaaahh!
Christine: plus i need another fix. Let's go, raoul.
Raoul: you're coming with me? and i'm not dying? yay! take that, ugly-face! woohoo!
Christine: yeah whatever, let's get out of here quickly. say, what do you think about a trip to Tanzania? i would just love to go to Tanzania wouldn't you? let's go there right now...*turns and winks at phantom*
Phantom: haha, i love that girl. but if she's lying i'm going to kill her.
Everyone: we're coming to kill you, monster ghost thing!
Phantom: i guess i'd better hide for a while *leaves*
Meg: hurray carlotta and christine are gone! take that, system! I'm the lead girl now! Thanks mom!
Mme. Giry: *waves from the shadows* no problem, honey.
Carlotta: I am da mostamazing seeengerrr everrr! LA LA LA
Phantom: *from the ceiling* no you're not. You're just here because you're not good enough to sing in Italy. *tears down backdrop*
Carlotta: Whaaaaaaah mya dress eet iiz rueened! But eet iz okay. He love me. He love me love me love me.
Phantom: no, i really don't. i hate you. go home, bitch!
Carlotta: Whaaaaaaah. I am leaving unteel I get a love letter from everyone een da worrld. and lots of chocolate and jewelrrry. Den I weel think about coming backa. Den you must geev me a new dog and a greenhouse of rrroses. And you haf to do eet, because i keel alla my understudies and you hava no one elsa buta me! *storms out*
Andre and Fireman: shit. we should have stayed in the junk/scrap metal business. *to old owner* can we un-buy the opera/mad house?
Old Owner: of course not! *takes the money and runs* suckers...
Andre and firman: well shit. maybe we could dress up a monkey and shock it until it screams. that's close enough, right?
Mme Giry: That won't be necessary. Christine Daae can sing it.
Andre and Firmen: we thought carlotta killed all her understudies
Mme Giry: she did, but this is a secret understudy who's been trained by a psychotic disfigured genius who's in love with her only she doesn't know that because her father gave her drugs when she was little and she thinks her teacher is an angel sent by her father's ghost to instruct her in music instead of a creepy old man and now he wants to make her the new prima donna and i'm helping him because i feel sorry for him and i secretly want him to love me instead and....never mind.
Andre and Firmen: huh? we were too busy fondling easy chorus girls to pay attention to you.
Mme. Giry: that's probably a good thing. otherwise the show would have ended right now.
*that night*
Christine: Think of me...when i go back to being a dancer....'cause i'm a person too....
Raoul: oh man, she's soo hawt! i wonder if she'll sleep with me!
Phantom: leave her alone. she's mine.
*later*
Raoul: hey ..uh...girl...don't i know you from somewhere?
Christine: oh you remembered! I love you!
Raoul: wow. ...of course i remembered...i met you....uh...when...uh...
Christine: we were childhood friends, down by the sea, and my father told us really weird stories and we had crazy magic picnics with the opium he stored in hte attic and you rescued my scarf...
Raoul: oh yeah...those were really ...special... times...how could anyone forget? and now that i see you again i'm crazy about you. how about dropping by my really luxurious apartment for a few drinks and i can dazzle you with my wealth?
Christine: oh, raoul, i can't! i've still got a curfew!
Raoul: wow. that's ...weird. *leaves*
Phantom: Christine, don't you talk to that boy again. he's a bad influence. now take your medicine and come with me.
Christine [who is now high]: i love you angelofmusic i worship you and where are you are you inside this amazing rose mmmmsmellstastes so good*giggles*
Phantom: come through this magic mirror and i will take you to fairyland where you will sleep in a swan bed in a magic lake
Christine: oooooo
*next day*
Christine: wow! i don't remember anything that happened last night! i feel terrible. angel make me stop hurting. angel? you're not listening to me! *pulls off his mask* look at me when i ...oh my god!
Phantom: goddammit! i'm going to have to double your drug dosage next time.
Christine: i wanna go home.
Phantom: fine. but first you have to apologize and promise you'll never do that again.
*elsewhere*
Firmen: the seats are packed! this is great!
Andre: no it's not. now we have two cast members missing.
Firmen: don't worry about that. we still have the monkeys. say, did you get a mysterious letter today?
Andre: indeed i did. and very rude it was, too.
Firmen: yeah, this Og person wants us to give him money but doesn't tell us where to send it. the man is clearly mad.
Raoul: Whaah i got hate mail!
Andre and Firmen: we didn't do it, so quit whining.
Carlotta: I got a bad note too. I hate eet! I hate all of you! Where eez christine i am going to keel herrr!
Andre, Firmen and Raoul: we didn't do it, so quit whining.
Mme Giry: by the way, christine is back and the Opera Ghost says she'd better take carlotta's role again or he's going to make all your lives a living hell.
Firmen and Andre: nonsense. our lives are already a living hell. / Carlotta: Whaaaaaaaaaah. But da people dey love ME! / Raoul: hey! she slept with someone else! no fair!
Firmen,Andre,Carlotta, and Raoul: No way is Christine getting hte lead tonight.
Mme Giry: Idiots
*that night*
Raoul: ooo look! the last empty seat!
Phantom: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SITTING ON ME?? AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING? oh wait...well...NO ONE LISTENED TO ME AND I HATE YOU CARLOTTA SO I'M TAKING OUT ALL MY ANGER ON YOU *shoves a toad down her throat*
Carlotta: whaaa croak aaaah croak haaaaaa croak ahhhh
Christine: I get to sing again! what a pleasant surprise!
Andre and Firmen: this would be so funny if it didn't mean we were going to lose a lot of money. we've got to distract them! uh...dancers! go...dance!
Raoul: this chair is lumpy.
*Dead body appears*
Everyone: oh my god!
Phantom: whoops. i knew i should have done my spring cleaning early this year.
Christine and Raoul: let's go make out on the roof while everyone's distracted!
*another day*
Everyone: woohoo! let's party!
Christine: Raoul, i don't think we should tell people we're enganged until i know you're not going to break it off as soon as i sleep with you.
Raoul: dammit!
Phantom: I told you to stay away from that boy! that's it; you're grounded!
Christine: how'd you know it was him? this is a masquerade.
Phantom: you left your masks in that hallway back there.
Christine: oh.
Phantom: oh by the way everyone here's my life's work. Christine gets the lead role of course. Carlotta plays a monkey. it's going to be your next show. Perform it or DIE!
Andre and Firmen: for a life's work this sounds pretty terrible.
Phantom: Shut up, I'm just ahead of my time
*one morning*
Christine: I'm going to visit my father's grave!
Phantom [in diguise]: I'll give you a ride; just wait until i finish wiping the blood off the seat so it doesn't stain.
Raoul: maybe if i go comfort her while she's mourning she'll sleep with me and i won't have to go through with this whole engagement thing
*at the cemetery*
Christine: i love you daddy
Phantom: And daddy loves you.
Raoul: Hey, you're not her dad!
Phantom: of course not. i'm the angel sent by her father to protect her.
Raoul: but that doesn't...
Phantom: *bitchslaps Raoul* shut up. she's mine, okay?
Christine: oh no! please don't fight!
Phantom: whatever. go play with your toy. You'll be bored with him soon, anyway.
*later*
Raoul: let's arrest this phantom guy and put him in jail! We can get christine to tell us when he shows up and then we'll get him for sure!
Everyone: wow! why didn't we do that before?
Mme. Giry: because it won't work, that's why
Everyone: nonsense! look here come the secret police!
Secret police: *STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP* WE'RE HERE TO CATCH THE PHANTOM. HAHAHA. WE'RE SO INCONSPICUOUS HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING TO HIM!
Mme Giry / Phantom: idiots...
*during the opera*
Phantom: *kills Piangi and takes his place*
Everyone: wow! how did Piangi get so tall and skinny all the sudden? he must have tried the atkins diet!
Phantom: resistance is futile, christine. come with me.
Christine: okay, but can we finish this song first? it's so hot!
Phantom: okay. i guess it would be a shame to let an opera set in Hell go to waste.
*piangi's body falls onto the stage*
Phantom: not again!
Christine: what's that?
Phantom: oh that...that's just a scarecrow prop from when they did the Wizard of Oz. must have left it in the cupboard by accident. nothing to worry about. Oops, look at hte time. We've got to get going. we're going to miss the wedding
Christine: what wedding?
Phantom: it's a surprise. now close your eyes real tight and don't open them until i say so...
*poof*
Raoul: how did this happen? i told her to tell me when he showed up. why didn't she tell me?
Mme Giry: because she likes him better and because a dead body fell on the stage before she could do anything.
Raoul: i don't remember that
Mme Giry: that's because you were sleeping. but come with me and i will lead you to the phantom so he can kill you for your astounding stupidity.
Raoul: wonderful!
Mme Giry: i guess out of the goodness of my heart i should warn you to keep your hand at the level of your eyes at all times so you at least have a chance of fighting him before you die
Raoul: but that makes me look like a pansy
Mme Giry: ... just go.
*in the background*Everyone: there's something in the basement! lets go kill it!
Raoul: eew this place is slimey
Phantom: ah-ha! mme. giry told me you were coming! now i can kill you!
Raoul: whaaahhaaaahhaaahhh
Christine: Raoul, it's over. i decided to marry the phantom instead; just go home.
Raoul: but you're so hawt! and he's so ugly! why, christine, why?
Phantom: can i please kill him? pleeeeeease?
Christine: no that's a sin.
Phantom: then what am i supposed to do? i'm the villain!
Christine: how about i pretend to go with him and then i'll ditch him and come back to you after everyone is done searching for you?
Phantom: and you promise you'll come back? you're not fooling me are you?
Christine: of course i'll come back. i love you. *kisses phantom*
Raoul: whaaaahaahaaaa! eeeewwww! whaaaahaaahh!
Christine: plus i need another fix. Let's go, raoul.
Raoul: you're coming with me? and i'm not dying? yay! take that, ugly-face! woohoo!
Christine: yeah whatever, let's get out of here quickly. say, what do you think about a trip to Tanzania? i would just love to go to Tanzania wouldn't you? let's go there right now...*turns and winks at phantom*
Phantom: haha, i love that girl. but if she's lying i'm going to kill her.
Everyone: we're coming to kill you, monster ghost thing!
Phantom: i guess i'd better hide for a while *leaves*
Meg: hurray carlotta and christine are gone! take that, system! I'm the lead girl now! Thanks mom!
Mme. Giry: *waves from the shadows* no problem, honey.