(no subject)
I don't have anything to say. My thoughts spin and repeat and the things I want to type, I've already typed before. But I'm in one of those livejournal moods, so let's see what happens!
I feel restrained...
I've started buying records. Like old vynal records. I'm going to try to set up a record player in my room at Purdue. And I chopped off all of my hair. I look like a fierce marine fighting machine. Actually, I look more like a shaved anorexic gorilla. But I like it.
I want stability, but I still want things to change! So I'm trying to force them to. But I know if I try to change too much I'll just regret it later.
School is almost done, finals are this coming week. I did well.
What does it mean when confusion isn't confusing anymore? When you have a confused feeling and you've seen it before and know exactly how do get rid of it, but not how to solve it. And you know that once you push it away, that familiar yet baffling feeling will return. And it will make you smile while its there, it'll convince you its not all that bad, but when looking back you realize its a parasite not a friend. It makes you push people away, it makes you think that the only person you need is yourself, and that you are better than everyone and no one will be able to understand you and that no one should even try. It tells you that the famous actor is a product of wasted effort. It tells you that the straight A student is nothing special. It tells you that no one is anything special. Except for yourself. You can do all of these things it says, but you don't have to, just being able to is enough. That is what really matters. It lies, it tells you what you want to hear, and it does it well. It comes when you're down, and it takes you over. In order to get rid of it, you have to give in to it. It brings you back up, but at a price. The price is that you have to allow it to return. Its stronger each time it returns. It knows how to work you. It knows you better than you know yourself.
I feel restrained...
I've started buying records. Like old vynal records. I'm going to try to set up a record player in my room at Purdue. And I chopped off all of my hair. I look like a fierce marine fighting machine. Actually, I look more like a shaved anorexic gorilla. But I like it.
I want stability, but I still want things to change! So I'm trying to force them to. But I know if I try to change too much I'll just regret it later.
School is almost done, finals are this coming week. I did well.
What does it mean when confusion isn't confusing anymore? When you have a confused feeling and you've seen it before and know exactly how do get rid of it, but not how to solve it. And you know that once you push it away, that familiar yet baffling feeling will return. And it will make you smile while its there, it'll convince you its not all that bad, but when looking back you realize its a parasite not a friend. It makes you push people away, it makes you think that the only person you need is yourself, and that you are better than everyone and no one will be able to understand you and that no one should even try. It tells you that the famous actor is a product of wasted effort. It tells you that the straight A student is nothing special. It tells you that no one is anything special. Except for yourself. You can do all of these things it says, but you don't have to, just being able to is enough. That is what really matters. It lies, it tells you what you want to hear, and it does it well. It comes when you're down, and it takes you over. In order to get rid of it, you have to give in to it. It brings you back up, but at a price. The price is that you have to allow it to return. Its stronger each time it returns. It knows how to work you. It knows you better than you know yourself.