"Please someone help me, I'm dying here in front of you..."

Apr 13, 2005 14:59

I feel like Im headed toward a breakdown. And I dont know what to do.

Nope, I'll be fine. Give me your love and prayers.

Oh and I want to apologize to everyone I freaked out on yesterday. You guys can tell me to shut up next time.

E D I T E D

I swear Im headed for a serious breakdown and Im afraid that Im so far gone that no one is going to be able to help. I'm undergoing some serious issues of worthlessness right now and I feel as if I can't have this on my shoulders any longer. At a time when most people push others away I ask for help but feel as though no one is listening, except God. And I dont know how much I'm buying into the whole God only gives us what we can handle anymore cause I feel as though I'm at my wits end with everything. I hurt so much more right now than anyone knows. I thought the other day about if anyone prays for me or thinks of me before they lay their head at night just because they want to, or if it takes something like this to get people's attention. And if so, I dont want your help. I want you to help because you want to, not because you pity me or think Im crazy. Cause Im not. I just so tired of caring so much about people and getting nothing in return. It hurts so much. I would drop my life, my dreams, my aspirations, my goals for most of you. I would walk to the ends of the Earth for my friends and family. I'd give you guys the shirt off my back, the food on my plate, and my bed for you to sleep in if it was what you needed. How many people would do that for me besides Jesus? He died for me (but I am in no way comparing myself to him, because lets face it, there would be no comparison) I need to feel the love and support of the people around me and not just the love and grace of God. But in this I want to apologize for laying it on you guys. I guess it's not really up to you guys to do this or feel this way about me. I just want to know that there are people that care in the same way that I do. I've tried to stop myself from caring about everyone so much so that I can feel love for myself. I dont like me anymore. Perhaps the Lord put me here to take on other peoples hurt, and if so I will serve him to the best of my ability. I walk for him. The things that have brought this on have been coming for a long time, but most recently my efforts at help have seemed to be pushed away. Rowen doesnt even talk to me, yet I find myself caring and just wondering how he is. He's tossed me aside and made me feel worthless. But who cares right? I do. I just want to know he's okay and then he can hate me for the rest of his life if he wants. But it's not just him. The not knowing and the doubt in me from people is what's killing me. And that may be something that no one ever understands. But in all this I keep my head up and smile at the sky knowing that someone gave it all up for me. And that will be enough for me for the rest of my life, but it doesnt make this hurt any less.

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