Apr 17, 2005 00:13
So when I say Im better, it doesnt mean Im good. So don't take my "betterness" for granted and think everything is fine. I had another one of those conversations with Linsday this afternoon that couldnt help but bring tears to my eyes. Despite the differences her and I now share (since Im not an 8 yr old kid anymore looking up to basically the only female role-model she had besides her mother) she still understands me a lot better than most people. She knew a lot without me having to tell her. And it almost hurts that she gets me to admit things that I otherwise never would. I'm a liar. But only to myself. Which is the saddest kind of liar there is. Maybe I tell myself lies to ensure a more happy, steady, and up-beat life? I dont like when people get to me. And I've been gotten. This is just all hard to take.
But I thank you all once again for showing care and concern (some more than others). But if I'm going to talk to you about something please dont brush it off or take it with a grain of salt because it's taking a lot for me just to open up. Betray that, and you'll never see it again. When you tell me you're going to be there for me, be there for me. Call me. Do something. Don't think that your temporary comfort is making all the difference. I need to hear it more than once.
I think if one more thing goes wrong Im going to just breakdown. And one of the things that hurts the most about all this is that I'm afraid to talk to my parents about it. One should not fear their parents. Im just afraid they wont understand. I think I need to take the summer semester off from school. My head's not clear and I know I wont do well. I dont want my cumulative GPA to be effected and most of all I dont want to waste money. Plus right now I've got two professors who Im fairly comfortable with and they will be teaching the courses I need to take in the fall, but not the summer. It would just be better for me I think. And that's another thing that Im not sure they will take well :/.
Maybe after tomorrow I'll feel a little bit better about some things. I dunno...we'll see...
♥ Jess