Burn It Down Till The Embers Smoke On The Ground
My horoscope book puts it perfectly. "Gemini's are two sided- friendly and affectionate one minute and distant and cold the next."
I swear, I love the boy to pieces but he gives me a headache. All morning he was quiet, but he said he hadn't slept last night so I just let him be tired and listless. But at lunch when he didn't even show up… and then when I went upstairs I saw him by the elevator playing guitar- with Mandy. I tried not to let it get to me, but I was furious. Jealous, mostly. I know there's nothing between them and it's stupid that I'm affected like that, but I was pissed. I don't usually get that bitchy- I was snapping at everyone. Later he said he had been on the second floor but we weren't there (we'd gone outside) so it's not like he was avoiding me… but at the time, I was angry beyond belief.
It didn't help that Sarah and Jen appeared. With water guns. And sweetly said, "We’re not doing this to be mean, it's just fun" and sprayed us. I was just kind of sitting there so they only got my arm, and I just let it be because I didn't want to cause trouble, but I was so mad. I actually started pinching my arm to try and control myself, and now I have over twenty little pink marks on my right wrist… they hurt like hell. I showed Chris later and he was so annoyed. He kind of stared at first and said he'd never seen me do that before and then he pretty much told me off, but I know he was only worried. I don't usually do that. Once when I was really nervous last year I dug a key into my arm, but I'm usually not the self harm type. No razor blades or anything. Just the digging the nails into the palm sort of person. Anyway, my arm hurts, but it stopped me from doing anything I'd regret.
I was pretty depressed forth period, too. He was still being really moody, and I'll admit I was really worried he was thinking of ending it. Of course then he threw me by (and, by the way, he had been sitting there for half an hour with headphones on and his hair over his face, not speaking to anyone- and he still wasn't at this point) by putting his hand on my knee and just leaving it there for the rest of the class. Fifth he was still being like that and Holly got upset for some reason (something to do with her Aunt dying- even though that was ages ago) and she cried and he was acting pissy and I just lost it. Inside, that is. I was perfectly calm on the outside, but inside I was screaming. And then he tells Holly he's thinking of taking the bus home instead of walking with us! I nearly cried.
And then it turns out he was just having his usual mood swings and being his little emo self, because by the time we walk home he's fine. He did walk with us, and he was flirty and funny and just his regular self. He was teasing me about stuff so I kept hitting him and I was hurting my hand so he took it and said, "Let's stop you from hurting yourself, hmm?" And then he wouldn't stop singing the cucumber song! You know, the one that goes "I'm a cucumber, please don't send me to the pickle factory" or whatever? Over and over. And over. It was driving me insane. I hit him, but he didn't stop. So I refused to talk to him. He grins at me and singsongs in my ear "I love you!" And sings the Barney song. I was ready to kill him. Of course, Holly then brings up the "I want to dance" thing and he does that for fifteen minutes. Yeah, he's a cutie. Yeah, he's a darling. But he can be annoying as hell.
These little junior high girls were walking past when we were waiting for the bus and they knew him so they came over and asked who I was. And he said his girlfriend. Hearing it just made me smile. And Jaqueline also walked past and I called out a smug, "Hi, Jackie!" Mean, I know. But I was still feeling slightly bitchy. He was feeling a lot better because he kept tickling me and hugging me and singing the cucumber song again.
Oh, and tonight he's going to tell his parents. Because he's been putting it off. They really don't approve. So there's a year and a half between us. Big deal. My parents don't mind that much. Not that I'd care if they did.
All that emotional stress tired me out. Tomorrow is our one week… it feels like longer, maybe because it'd be closer to two weeks if we hadn't broken up. Anyway, that sentence didn't relate to the first, so back to that topic- I'm going to go to bed. I don't care that it's early, I don't care I have a science sheet to do and a ton of math homework, I don't care I have laundry to do and I don't care that I'm not physically tired. I'm turning off my light and that's it. I'll get up early and do everything. It's nice and dark out and I want to listen to the rain. Wherever you all are, I hope your night is as beautiful and clear as mine. Love you like shooting stars.
I swear, I love the boy to pieces but he gives me a headache. All morning he was quiet, but he said he hadn't slept last night so I just let him be tired and listless. But at lunch when he didn't even show up… and then when I went upstairs I saw him by the elevator playing guitar- with Mandy. I tried not to let it get to me, but I was furious. Jealous, mostly. I know there's nothing between them and it's stupid that I'm affected like that, but I was pissed. I don't usually get that bitchy- I was snapping at everyone. Later he said he had been on the second floor but we weren't there (we'd gone outside) so it's not like he was avoiding me… but at the time, I was angry beyond belief.
It didn't help that Sarah and Jen appeared. With water guns. And sweetly said, "We’re not doing this to be mean, it's just fun" and sprayed us. I was just kind of sitting there so they only got my arm, and I just let it be because I didn't want to cause trouble, but I was so mad. I actually started pinching my arm to try and control myself, and now I have over twenty little pink marks on my right wrist… they hurt like hell. I showed Chris later and he was so annoyed. He kind of stared at first and said he'd never seen me do that before and then he pretty much told me off, but I know he was only worried. I don't usually do that. Once when I was really nervous last year I dug a key into my arm, but I'm usually not the self harm type. No razor blades or anything. Just the digging the nails into the palm sort of person. Anyway, my arm hurts, but it stopped me from doing anything I'd regret.
I was pretty depressed forth period, too. He was still being really moody, and I'll admit I was really worried he was thinking of ending it. Of course then he threw me by (and, by the way, he had been sitting there for half an hour with headphones on and his hair over his face, not speaking to anyone- and he still wasn't at this point) by putting his hand on my knee and just leaving it there for the rest of the class. Fifth he was still being like that and Holly got upset for some reason (something to do with her Aunt dying- even though that was ages ago) and she cried and he was acting pissy and I just lost it. Inside, that is. I was perfectly calm on the outside, but inside I was screaming. And then he tells Holly he's thinking of taking the bus home instead of walking with us! I nearly cried.
And then it turns out he was just having his usual mood swings and being his little emo self, because by the time we walk home he's fine. He did walk with us, and he was flirty and funny and just his regular self. He was teasing me about stuff so I kept hitting him and I was hurting my hand so he took it and said, "Let's stop you from hurting yourself, hmm?" And then he wouldn't stop singing the cucumber song! You know, the one that goes "I'm a cucumber, please don't send me to the pickle factory" or whatever? Over and over. And over. It was driving me insane. I hit him, but he didn't stop. So I refused to talk to him. He grins at me and singsongs in my ear "I love you!" And sings the Barney song. I was ready to kill him. Of course, Holly then brings up the "I want to dance" thing and he does that for fifteen minutes. Yeah, he's a cutie. Yeah, he's a darling. But he can be annoying as hell.
These little junior high girls were walking past when we were waiting for the bus and they knew him so they came over and asked who I was. And he said his girlfriend. Hearing it just made me smile. And Jaqueline also walked past and I called out a smug, "Hi, Jackie!" Mean, I know. But I was still feeling slightly bitchy. He was feeling a lot better because he kept tickling me and hugging me and singing the cucumber song again.
Oh, and tonight he's going to tell his parents. Because he's been putting it off. They really don't approve. So there's a year and a half between us. Big deal. My parents don't mind that much. Not that I'd care if they did.
All that emotional stress tired me out. Tomorrow is our one week… it feels like longer, maybe because it'd be closer to two weeks if we hadn't broken up. Anyway, that sentence didn't relate to the first, so back to that topic- I'm going to go to bed. I don't care that it's early, I don't care I have a science sheet to do and a ton of math homework, I don't care I have laundry to do and I don't care that I'm not physically tired. I'm turning off my light and that's it. I'll get up early and do everything. It's nice and dark out and I want to listen to the rain. Wherever you all are, I hope your night is as beautiful and clear as mine. Love you like shooting stars.