I can't remember the last time I updated... D:
Wowww, it's been so long since I last posted something here~ XD Does anyone still remember who I am? Is there anyone who hasnt' deleted me yet? XD I'm so bad at updating my journal. Well, Id ecided today that I need a palce to post my thoughts. Andalthough this journal is relatively public, not many people actually check this, so I think it'd be nice to just rant. xD
Well for anyone who reads this and still remembers me. Hi~ How have you been these last two years? xD Still remember me? It's been a while~
For those who's wondering who I am, I probably met you thought my PoT obsession. I kind of wish I was fangirling over that still, those were the times. 8D
Sooo, my life is in a mess right now. Well it was last week, it's gotten a lot better since March Break. But thinking back, I was such a mess, living life like a robot. Going to school, crying, going home, crying, sleeping, go back to school rinse and repeat. And probbaly ranting on to people. I feel bad, I feel like I'm just spreading misery around to everyone.
I knew this was coming, I knew it wasn't going to last. And I kneww that he was tired of it, perhaps I was just clinging on to the last bit of hope? But everytime I think about the moment he told me, it still hurts and I still want to cry. I don't know, this is so stupid, I'm still young, and there are plenty of opportunities ahead of me, one of my first loves. I don't even rememebr when I started liking him. It was weird, and confusing, having two boys enter my life like that and leave. I feel like I've turned back time to... about a year and a half, before I got into this whole mess with love, or infatuation.
I guess it just feels so nice to have someone like you. Or to find someone who cares so much. I think all this manga and anime has made me fall for the cheesiest lines and moments. It just feels so sweet to have someone tell you really cheesy and sweet things. And whenever I think back to the things he's said to me, I can't help but tear up. I suppose I fell in love with the him who truly liked and was devoted to me. I guess I also enjoyed all the times we've had together. And I loved the times when simple things made us both happy. Like when I could just lie on him and watch tv together, and I could tell that both of us enjoyed it, because he would be so happy, and want to come back to do the same. But I suppose things like that don't last forever.
I should've seen. From the time when he'd always ask me out and call me, and become sad whenever I wasn't with him to now. I remember so clearly the time when he told me he was disappointed because he thought we'd go watch Harry Potter together, but instead I went with my other friends. I felt so guilty but at the same time, it was nice knowing I wasn't the only one who was falling so deeply. After that, I realized no matter where I went I always tried to ask him first, or make sure he wasn't interested or was busy before I'd try to find other people. I guess because of that, I missed out on a lot of stuff too, but I didn't mind as long as I got to be with him.
The dates after a while seemed to go downhill. From the time I went to get lunch with him, and I wanted to do something after, but he didn't really say anything. Then no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he left because his parents came. And I was left on the road crying as I called my other friends to go watch a movie with me. But at that time, he had told me how bad he felt and I couldn't help but forgive him, with that I could still feel he liked me...
But from then... things changed. Calls stopped coming, which I just told myself he was busy. But it started getting harder and harder to talk to him. Throughout christmas break, I wanted to see him, but he'd be so busy and he wouldn't try to text or talk to me. That was such a painful month. I got angry, annoyed, depressed, and overall I felt pathetic. Whyy did I still like him? Was I being to clingy? Why did I always want to talk to him?
As school started again, it got a little better. But still, now whenever I tried to ask him out, he'd tell me he was busy. I barely got him to come to dinner for my birthday. I don't know, it just didn't feel the same anymore, I really wanted him, but I felt more and more distant from him. Like he just didn't care anymore, and no matter how much he reassured me, I was still so depressed. He'd never be the one to come up to me to talk to me, and whenever we did talk, he always gave those annoying one worded answers. At least before he'd TRY to talk to me, but no, I was so hurt that he couldn't even pretend to try to talk to me. But I guess I felt good just being able to have him there for me at school. So I had someone to hug when I was sad. Someone who'd go out with me during lunches, someone who I can complain to, someone whom I can feel comfortable hugging. Someone who I can feel happy with just being there. And I guess those feelings overpowered the ones where I was depressed. And the fact that I always thought about him doesn't help either. I felt like for those few moments of happiness when I'm with him would overpower all the feelings of depression I'd get. The hardest part of it, was that I don't think he noticed there was ever anythign wrong.
Then that day where I got mad at him for something stupid, but really wanted to talk to him...
And when we finally talked, he told me he was too busy and wasn't being fair to me. And that he liked me. I didn't know how to feel. Those were the things I wanted him to say. But then realizing where he was going with that. I don't know, I felt a million things at once at that moment. Like someone getting my hopes up then crushing them into little tiny pieces. And he said he still wanted to be friends... but how hard was that going to be. It took me hours before I could even look remotely fine again. Even with his reassurances that it won't be that bad, I knew that was a lie. Maybe for him, but for me, it wasn't going to be that easy. It's like making someone fall so deeply, then giving them some hope, and throwing them away. If he stilled like me, why couldn't we be together? I don't caree if he was busy if he couldn';t be a good boyfriend, if only I got him for a little bit, just to hug, or to walk me home, or talk to me, or something. But I kind of knew, he was tired of it, and it just hurt so much that I was the only one feeling like this.
And the next day, he acted so happy, as though nothing happened, except that he didn;'t come talk to me anymore. And all I could do was sit there and cry pathetically. And the day before, when I was upset, he didn't even come comfort me once, even though we were still together then, that hurt more than a slap in the face. Like he didn't care.
I wonder now, why do I still like him? Why would I like someone who couldn't care less about me? I used to look at cheesy chick flicks and go, he was an asshole, why are you so stupid? I guess now I know how hard it is to give someoen up. And what may seem like someone terrible on the outside, could actually be really nice sometimes, and it's those moments that you're hooked on. And I know he isn't really that terrible, I know he just... doesn't know what to do sometimes to deal with me. And although I wished that we were still together, or that he'd ask me if I was okay sometimes, or that I that he still thinks of me sometimes, I'll remember the times we've had togehter. And the times where I could actually make him happy. And the all the firsts we've shared, and the moments we've had will always be in my heart. Always. So
I guess its time to move on. Well, maybe, it bothers me that I still keep thinking about him, and still want to talk to him. But I'm still young, I have to be strong,a nd I have to move on. No point in dwelling on this. It was nice while it lasted. And although I'm still craving that feeling again, and disappointed that he stopped caring while I still do, I'm sure I can keep living. =P
Hopefully, getting all that out will help me. XD
...Hmmm, I also feel like I can relate to Fifteen by Taylor Swift. XD
I really should've done physics instead of writing this. Oh welll. Guess I'll work tomorrow. Back to procrastinating. =o=;;
Well for anyone who reads this and still remembers me. Hi~ How have you been these last two years? xD Still remember me? It's been a while~
For those who's wondering who I am, I probably met you thought my PoT obsession. I kind of wish I was fangirling over that still, those were the times. 8D
Sooo, my life is in a mess right now. Well it was last week, it's gotten a lot better since March Break. But thinking back, I was such a mess, living life like a robot. Going to school, crying, going home, crying, sleeping, go back to school rinse and repeat. And probbaly ranting on to people. I feel bad, I feel like I'm just spreading misery around to everyone.
I knew this was coming, I knew it wasn't going to last. And I kneww that he was tired of it, perhaps I was just clinging on to the last bit of hope? But everytime I think about the moment he told me, it still hurts and I still want to cry. I don't know, this is so stupid, I'm still young, and there are plenty of opportunities ahead of me, one of my first loves. I don't even rememebr when I started liking him. It was weird, and confusing, having two boys enter my life like that and leave. I feel like I've turned back time to... about a year and a half, before I got into this whole mess with love, or infatuation.
I guess it just feels so nice to have someone like you. Or to find someone who cares so much. I think all this manga and anime has made me fall for the cheesiest lines and moments. It just feels so sweet to have someone tell you really cheesy and sweet things. And whenever I think back to the things he's said to me, I can't help but tear up. I suppose I fell in love with the him who truly liked and was devoted to me. I guess I also enjoyed all the times we've had together. And I loved the times when simple things made us both happy. Like when I could just lie on him and watch tv together, and I could tell that both of us enjoyed it, because he would be so happy, and want to come back to do the same. But I suppose things like that don't last forever.
I should've seen. From the time when he'd always ask me out and call me, and become sad whenever I wasn't with him to now. I remember so clearly the time when he told me he was disappointed because he thought we'd go watch Harry Potter together, but instead I went with my other friends. I felt so guilty but at the same time, it was nice knowing I wasn't the only one who was falling so deeply. After that, I realized no matter where I went I always tried to ask him first, or make sure he wasn't interested or was busy before I'd try to find other people. I guess because of that, I missed out on a lot of stuff too, but I didn't mind as long as I got to be with him.
The dates after a while seemed to go downhill. From the time I went to get lunch with him, and I wanted to do something after, but he didn't really say anything. Then no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he left because his parents came. And I was left on the road crying as I called my other friends to go watch a movie with me. But at that time, he had told me how bad he felt and I couldn't help but forgive him, with that I could still feel he liked me...
But from then... things changed. Calls stopped coming, which I just told myself he was busy. But it started getting harder and harder to talk to him. Throughout christmas break, I wanted to see him, but he'd be so busy and he wouldn't try to text or talk to me. That was such a painful month. I got angry, annoyed, depressed, and overall I felt pathetic. Whyy did I still like him? Was I being to clingy? Why did I always want to talk to him?
As school started again, it got a little better. But still, now whenever I tried to ask him out, he'd tell me he was busy. I barely got him to come to dinner for my birthday. I don't know, it just didn't feel the same anymore, I really wanted him, but I felt more and more distant from him. Like he just didn't care anymore, and no matter how much he reassured me, I was still so depressed. He'd never be the one to come up to me to talk to me, and whenever we did talk, he always gave those annoying one worded answers. At least before he'd TRY to talk to me, but no, I was so hurt that he couldn't even pretend to try to talk to me. But I guess I felt good just being able to have him there for me at school. So I had someone to hug when I was sad. Someone who'd go out with me during lunches, someone who I can complain to, someone whom I can feel comfortable hugging. Someone who I can feel happy with just being there. And I guess those feelings overpowered the ones where I was depressed. And the fact that I always thought about him doesn't help either. I felt like for those few moments of happiness when I'm with him would overpower all the feelings of depression I'd get. The hardest part of it, was that I don't think he noticed there was ever anythign wrong.
Then that day where I got mad at him for something stupid, but really wanted to talk to him...
And when we finally talked, he told me he was too busy and wasn't being fair to me. And that he liked me. I didn't know how to feel. Those were the things I wanted him to say. But then realizing where he was going with that. I don't know, I felt a million things at once at that moment. Like someone getting my hopes up then crushing them into little tiny pieces. And he said he still wanted to be friends... but how hard was that going to be. It took me hours before I could even look remotely fine again. Even with his reassurances that it won't be that bad, I knew that was a lie. Maybe for him, but for me, it wasn't going to be that easy. It's like making someone fall so deeply, then giving them some hope, and throwing them away. If he stilled like me, why couldn't we be together? I don't caree if he was busy if he couldn';t be a good boyfriend, if only I got him for a little bit, just to hug, or to walk me home, or talk to me, or something. But I kind of knew, he was tired of it, and it just hurt so much that I was the only one feeling like this.
And the next day, he acted so happy, as though nothing happened, except that he didn;'t come talk to me anymore. And all I could do was sit there and cry pathetically. And the day before, when I was upset, he didn't even come comfort me once, even though we were still together then, that hurt more than a slap in the face. Like he didn't care.
I wonder now, why do I still like him? Why would I like someone who couldn't care less about me? I used to look at cheesy chick flicks and go, he was an asshole, why are you so stupid? I guess now I know how hard it is to give someoen up. And what may seem like someone terrible on the outside, could actually be really nice sometimes, and it's those moments that you're hooked on. And I know he isn't really that terrible, I know he just... doesn't know what to do sometimes to deal with me. And although I wished that we were still together, or that he'd ask me if I was okay sometimes, or that I that he still thinks of me sometimes, I'll remember the times we've had togehter. And the times where I could actually make him happy. And the all the firsts we've shared, and the moments we've had will always be in my heart. Always. So
I guess its time to move on. Well, maybe, it bothers me that I still keep thinking about him, and still want to talk to him. But I'm still young, I have to be strong,a nd I have to move on. No point in dwelling on this. It was nice while it lasted. And although I'm still craving that feeling again, and disappointed that he stopped caring while I still do, I'm sure I can keep living. =P
Hopefully, getting all that out will help me. XD
...Hmmm, I also feel like I can relate to Fifteen by Taylor Swift. XD
I really should've done physics instead of writing this. Oh welll. Guess I'll work tomorrow. Back to procrastinating. =o=;;