Bad Girl/Good Girl
Oh My God....Never again will I put my self or other people in the position I left most of my friends in last night (and yes they are my friends and it is very good to know because the few that are, stuck with me. Ture a million times thank you). I can't believe how stupid I am. I felt like a complete loser this morning. I hated my self for everything I did, but I'm not going to let the alcohol be my excuse, because there isn't an excuse. As I sat and thought about it in the early morning the only thing I can think of is that I was angry. This a lot of things. My self for a few different reasons, my aunt for not coming to get me when so needed to go home, at a friend because he goes back on his word. I was mad because someone showed up, and more over again, I wasn't really happy with my self. Long stories but it involves alot of confusion on my part. Along with finding out that I'm moving....again during spring break. It's going to screw my aunt relationship up and I'll get the fall out. Oh well I suppose, its her funeral. But on no account are these excuses. I felt like the thoughts that ran threw my head this morning should have been from someone telling me about them or a friend....not me. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I new that everytime I chugged the jucie it was going to get worse. But for some reason I kept getting more. I have to say that I regret it, I should by all means....but I'm not because I've learned I'm the worlds largest Dumb ass when it comes to drinking. The first semester I did keep my self under wrap. I was more respectable to myslef and the people around me. But since second semester started I've just wanted to have fun...I have learned that when im angry alcohol is bad for me. I think that is my big problem is I get angry or upset and try to drink it away. I have fallen in the pattern from my past when i smoked pot, that the pot was hide away and it would make everything go away. By far I dont have half the shit I delt with back then on my shoulders, but it's the damn anger. I have a problem with drinking....I'm done, by far I'm not going to ruin the greatest thing that has been laid in front of me. Some of the most respected friends and my dream to college. I've had my fun and I'm not going to a screw up like my mother. I always thought I had it under control, but being nieve about it, that happens. I'm glade I had the experince now instead of later, and I have friends that will talk to me and bear me the truth instead of feeding me more lies about my self, and handing me another cup.
I take full responsibility for all my actions....the ones I remember and the ones I don't, which seem to be quite a bit as the night got older. This whole thing for tonight was to mainly get it off my chest and to let everyone know I'm sorry, I blame only self. And I am massivly greatful for everyone who stuck with me. Thank You
The "tweens" have past so for now I'll just lay my head down and hope to be safe as I try to sleep of the weary of last night...