(no subject)
sometimes being able to say "i told you so" or "i knew this would happen" just plain sucks. some things i would really prefer to be completely fucking wrong about.
at this point all i can work myself up to be distraught over is not having someone to maintain life check-ins with. the give and take of ups and downs. expecting more than that would be asking faaar too much,especially with the wild variations im having in late stage withdrawals. god forbid i have some constant in my life, certainly not someone that i might be able to produce and share more ups than downs with.
while a bottle of brown liquor and a hank sr. cd sounds like a suitable replacement, ive experienced enough at this point to know it will work as long as i need it to (until this unicorn waltzes into the room) but because of it's desired effects i will more than likely miss or dismiss the unicorn. which makes the effects necessary again.
basically ive finally accepted as a fact that it's highly unlikely i will ever find this companionship while substituting mood altering chemicals for it. what a lovely paradox.
so i can do one of several things, perhaps a combination if i find the need to mix it up:
a) continue to detox and hope that as my body stabilizes with the aid of anti-depressants and lack of self-medication i will be able to get out of bed without having to give myself hours of motivational speeches, shower regularly, make an effort at my appearance and begin participating in social functions other than AA meetings (which are surprisingly peppered with attractive girls). i guess ill need to watch some goddamn romantic comedies to get an idea of where love is most likely to "blossom" or whatthefuckever. id start volunteering at the red cross and/or homeless shelters tomorrow if i read a supporting statistic. otherwise ill just have to wait until this mythical energy returns to my broken body and i have time to spare. as it stands, i believe we're supposed to bump into each other a few random times and have brief but pleasant exchanges until we are eventually stuck in the same place and made to realize how perfect we are for each other. or we run into each other after drinking all night and go home together. i cant remember.
b) return to the chemical comfort of daily drugs and alcohol until i die, go to jail, or wind up with someone else in the same situation so we can both use each other physically until our unicorns show up. this hasnt worked very well in the last four or five years of trying. if i could measure the desire for healthy, mutual, communicative love by my substance abuse substitutions i would get some kind of fucking guinness world record. that i do not doubt.
c) remain wholly asexual 96% of the time and become cemented in heterosexual life partnerships, probably devoting my time to music and/or other increasingly eccentric hobbies and projects if i remain any kind of clean. if not, back to the rat race of finding ways to stay fucked up.
i could go on but it's not really necessary. of course it could be argued none of this was, but fuck whoever wants to argue shit like that. i feel frighteningly optimistic about the possibility of finding love. lately ive realized i havent been open to the idea since, well, the first time i guess, and now that it's been reinforced a hundred times over that "holding a candle" for someone (ive never used that phrase and never will again) or whatever the fuck you want to call it is more or less emotional suicide (and at times certainly close to physical) i can be open to meeting and getting to know people. id prefer to be in a location where i didnt have any sort of reputation to precede me but at least i had fun making it--whatever it is, im sure it's not gold--most of the time.
not that im scouring the earth for love right this moment. this began wishing i had someone to have open, honest, back and forth discussions with, and the bottom line is thats what i want. ideally mutual attraction would be present or come about because reading in bed with someone and having a napping partner would be fucking killer, but we cant have everything. at least with a healthier, clearer-thinking* head i can be open to real human relationships again.
if there's anyone else left out there that even wants this kind of shit anymore is yet to be seen.
*as ive said before, being sober in my mind does not equate to having a clear head. it just means i can say all these thoughts, which now often come rushing ten at a time at light speed, are me and mine and not alcohol or heroin's. for whatever that's worth.
at this point all i can work myself up to be distraught over is not having someone to maintain life check-ins with. the give and take of ups and downs. expecting more than that would be asking faaar too much,especially with the wild variations im having in late stage withdrawals. god forbid i have some constant in my life, certainly not someone that i might be able to produce and share more ups than downs with.
while a bottle of brown liquor and a hank sr. cd sounds like a suitable replacement, ive experienced enough at this point to know it will work as long as i need it to (until this unicorn waltzes into the room) but because of it's desired effects i will more than likely miss or dismiss the unicorn. which makes the effects necessary again.
basically ive finally accepted as a fact that it's highly unlikely i will ever find this companionship while substituting mood altering chemicals for it. what a lovely paradox.
so i can do one of several things, perhaps a combination if i find the need to mix it up:
a) continue to detox and hope that as my body stabilizes with the aid of anti-depressants and lack of self-medication i will be able to get out of bed without having to give myself hours of motivational speeches, shower regularly, make an effort at my appearance and begin participating in social functions other than AA meetings (which are surprisingly peppered with attractive girls). i guess ill need to watch some goddamn romantic comedies to get an idea of where love is most likely to "blossom" or whatthefuckever. id start volunteering at the red cross and/or homeless shelters tomorrow if i read a supporting statistic. otherwise ill just have to wait until this mythical energy returns to my broken body and i have time to spare. as it stands, i believe we're supposed to bump into each other a few random times and have brief but pleasant exchanges until we are eventually stuck in the same place and made to realize how perfect we are for each other. or we run into each other after drinking all night and go home together. i cant remember.
b) return to the chemical comfort of daily drugs and alcohol until i die, go to jail, or wind up with someone else in the same situation so we can both use each other physically until our unicorns show up. this hasnt worked very well in the last four or five years of trying. if i could measure the desire for healthy, mutual, communicative love by my substance abuse substitutions i would get some kind of fucking guinness world record. that i do not doubt.
c) remain wholly asexual 96% of the time and become cemented in heterosexual life partnerships, probably devoting my time to music and/or other increasingly eccentric hobbies and projects if i remain any kind of clean. if not, back to the rat race of finding ways to stay fucked up.
i could go on but it's not really necessary. of course it could be argued none of this was, but fuck whoever wants to argue shit like that. i feel frighteningly optimistic about the possibility of finding love. lately ive realized i havent been open to the idea since, well, the first time i guess, and now that it's been reinforced a hundred times over that "holding a candle" for someone (ive never used that phrase and never will again) or whatever the fuck you want to call it is more or less emotional suicide (and at times certainly close to physical) i can be open to meeting and getting to know people. id prefer to be in a location where i didnt have any sort of reputation to precede me but at least i had fun making it--whatever it is, im sure it's not gold--most of the time.
not that im scouring the earth for love right this moment. this began wishing i had someone to have open, honest, back and forth discussions with, and the bottom line is thats what i want. ideally mutual attraction would be present or come about because reading in bed with someone and having a napping partner would be fucking killer, but we cant have everything. at least with a healthier, clearer-thinking* head i can be open to real human relationships again.
if there's anyone else left out there that even wants this kind of shit anymore is yet to be seen.
*as ive said before, being sober in my mind does not equate to having a clear head. it just means i can say all these thoughts, which now often come rushing ten at a time at light speed, are me and mine and not alcohol or heroin's. for whatever that's worth.