(no subject)
fuck waking up at six with nothing to do.
i've already done too much thinking and basically want to sleep until the holidays are gone. only that won't even work because my dreams are obviously against me. so far this morning:
i've killed at least two people in my head
contemplated people i graduated with adding me on facebook. it's nice to see the dork get the girls after high school.
finally got myself to genuinely smile at something that would typically have a gun in my mouth, or have me in super self-destruct mode at the very least
realized 1)i might (and that's a big might) have been better off if i never read anything and 2)decided the profanity, sex, booze,etc in salinger's stuff wasn't the reason it was initially banned. it was the way he handled,or didn't handle, death. it was pretty much inconsequential or at least it wasn't presented as cataclysmic drama. and this did a lot to reinforce prior beliefs and interest in death,specifically suicide. for people like myself it was like flipping some kind of sick switch that affected my worldview so that in some ways life became a prolonged struggle to an inevitable end. and high school is just too young to have such a bleak opinion of life. too young to have any real opinion of life. i certainly don't blame reading this kind of material for my outlook and subsequent behavior but i really wish something more bubbly and hopeful would have clicked with my ultra-impressionable mind. anyway, im really tired of thinking about it and it's definitely a shitty way to wake up. I don't even know why or how any of this came about.
thought about where i could live alone in tuscaloosa or who i might live with since we probably won't resign the lease with delview since they've become full fledged greedy sons of bitches. living alone could be really good or really bad.
if this first hour and a half of being awake is any indicator of what i have to look forward to the rest of the day i don't know what's going to happen.
i've already done too much thinking and basically want to sleep until the holidays are gone. only that won't even work because my dreams are obviously against me. so far this morning:
i've killed at least two people in my head
contemplated people i graduated with adding me on facebook. it's nice to see the dork get the girls after high school.
finally got myself to genuinely smile at something that would typically have a gun in my mouth, or have me in super self-destruct mode at the very least
realized 1)i might (and that's a big might) have been better off if i never read anything and 2)decided the profanity, sex, booze,etc in salinger's stuff wasn't the reason it was initially banned. it was the way he handled,or didn't handle, death. it was pretty much inconsequential or at least it wasn't presented as cataclysmic drama. and this did a lot to reinforce prior beliefs and interest in death,specifically suicide. for people like myself it was like flipping some kind of sick switch that affected my worldview so that in some ways life became a prolonged struggle to an inevitable end. and high school is just too young to have such a bleak opinion of life. too young to have any real opinion of life. i certainly don't blame reading this kind of material for my outlook and subsequent behavior but i really wish something more bubbly and hopeful would have clicked with my ultra-impressionable mind. anyway, im really tired of thinking about it and it's definitely a shitty way to wake up. I don't even know why or how any of this came about.
thought about where i could live alone in tuscaloosa or who i might live with since we probably won't resign the lease with delview since they've become full fledged greedy sons of bitches. living alone could be really good or really bad.
if this first hour and a half of being awake is any indicator of what i have to look forward to the rest of the day i don't know what's going to happen.