Bill & Our Relationship Plus Soul Search
I am so very sad and lonely as of lately! Sure Bill loves me and everything but things are starting to fall way from us. He proposed to me… *laughs* only because he thought it would “FIX” our troubles and problems! I should have been happy & excited about this… but truthfully! I wasn’t… I just went quite and couldn’t say anything to him. We have problems that are breaking us down… he wants us to do these big steps in life as a couple yet he has not put forth the effort to come meet my wonderful family! I only ever meet his brother Tom and briefly met his mom stepdad and sister a handful of times. He wants us to move in together, he wants to start a life with me, & he wants to make me his wife now BUT there it lacks the commitment to it! Only broke words and empty promises… That is why even thou I KNEW it would hurt him and killed his heart for me to refuse his proposal, I DID! I felt it in my heart & gut that this was wrong. His reasons behind asking me were wrong and selfishly lazy. I want him to ask when he feels it is right and it’s what he wants in his heart. I have been so many relationships before it’s so damn hard now then when it use to be easy. We use to go well together like the best combinations in the world. This relationship use to be easy and flowed well. Problems were something we laughed at and we fix them with the greatest ease. Just lately he has changed… he has been changing since the stars in his eyes grew bigger! I am losing him to holly that calls his name. Drifting apart and I am feeling depressed… I am losing the spark of life in my eyes, the bounce in my steps, the will to even go on! I am a shell once again of my former self, and I HATE feeling this way. I feel bad because I am avoiding all contact now with Bill. I just need space and time to breath and think. I told him thou when we talked about the whole marriage thing. If it would make him feel comfortable to place a ring on my finger he could but not a ring of proposal… a Promise Ring! A promise that we will fix everything wrong between us, work at taking those bigger steps in life together, & a promise that we won’t give up without fighting or at least trying. A promise that I will be his wife one day if that is what he truly wants in his deepest part of his heart and when everything is worked out! I know relationships are not meant to be easy as our relationship had been at the start and what really wants a relationship work is how you work through the troubles and how close you are after it all! I think what really broke us both in our hearts and spirit was when I cheated on him… when I let myself sleep with my friend rob. We were never the same after that I think that started a rip that just hasn’t stop but grew bigger. I thought we worked it through and it not like Rob is in my life all the time. Sure I HAD feelings for him once upon a time those feelings died that night we slept together. Now I kind have ill feelings towards him that are my own fault as well. Things I need to work through. I think he is awesome funny guy that is well… different… just makes him Robert. I think of him only as a friend and I want to get rid of those ill feelings towards him… maybe they will fade away with the scars of our sinful night. I do care and love rob but only a friend’s sense now, and I don’t put any blame on him for what happened or for making me and bill grow apart. The blame is all mine to hold! Bill once the guy I felt I could live without I know feel like I am drowning when I am with. It feels as if he is sucking the life from me. For every one week of happiness we have there is 2 or 3 weeks of pure sadness and pain. I told him I give us until January to fix these things and that is we can’t it might be best we just part ways and just be friends. We were happier and better as friends it seems but he does love me I know he does. I can see that twinkle in his eyes when he looks at me I see it for a minute or two before it fades away. Maybe this is as far as we were meant to go. Maybe it’s time for me to sit back and be single and be selfish for once in my life. I have always been thinking about others and helping them with stuff that I never really take time out for myself. If this is the end of us… I am going to be hurt and broken for a long time. I want no one’s help to fix myself or anything I want to do it on my own and be able to stand on my own two feet! Like the phoenix I will be reborn again from my ashes. Hasn’t been the first time this has happened to me. Bill, I love you always if not forever!