(no subject)
This life is so interesting. Yesterday I had nothing better to do and no better sense so I went floating the river with Frank and Scotty. And ... I happened to drink a lot of Gin-orade and smoked a little (too much) weed. And I think it's amazing how much I like being out of my regular state of consciousness.
Dave wasn't happy when he got home from catfishing and I tried to lie to him about smoking. Of course he knew; you can't bullshit the world's biggest bullshitter. Of course I got the talk about boundaries and about how if I want to live that kind of a lifestyle then I can find another guy who will allow it. And I respect those boundaries but it's interesting to hear how stubborn I am even inside and the stupid things I say to him outside, the shit that comes out of my mouth in defense of drinking or smoking is amusing to say the least.
I'm a little better today though. I'm so insanely lucky to have the love of someone who is so strong and so sure of himself and who really cares about me. At this time in my life I feel like I am very far away from family, the people who really care. Dave feels like the only family I have right here in Boise and why should I be so sad about that? Why not celebrate it? I mean, some people have no one, have been molested, raped, tortured, emotionally beaten or physically even. And they have seen that one person in this world who they love killed before their very eyes. Or they never had that person at all.
Last night Dave said something that is very true. People spend so much time in selfish thought, worrying about their internal battles and their shitty lives, that they have no energy or power left over for improving the world they live in. I think some people spend the entirety of their lives in this mode. And what good is that?
I think that the pain of whatever I'm going through is going to help mold me, like a fire clears a forest and allows for new growth. Or like water slowly erodes out the Grand Canyon, or various other similes and metaphors ... and I'm glad that I have Dave here with me. I laughed out loud last night because of the absurdity of two people trying to stay together and not kill each other throughout their twenties. What a crazy time alone, not to mention trying to intimately share that experience with someone else. But if you can make it, how amazing it is to look back and laugh on how insane it was, and how beautiful and hard and WORTH IT.
We are but a moment's sunlight, fading in the grass ...
Dave wasn't happy when he got home from catfishing and I tried to lie to him about smoking. Of course he knew; you can't bullshit the world's biggest bullshitter. Of course I got the talk about boundaries and about how if I want to live that kind of a lifestyle then I can find another guy who will allow it. And I respect those boundaries but it's interesting to hear how stubborn I am even inside and the stupid things I say to him outside, the shit that comes out of my mouth in defense of drinking or smoking is amusing to say the least.
I'm a little better today though. I'm so insanely lucky to have the love of someone who is so strong and so sure of himself and who really cares about me. At this time in my life I feel like I am very far away from family, the people who really care. Dave feels like the only family I have right here in Boise and why should I be so sad about that? Why not celebrate it? I mean, some people have no one, have been molested, raped, tortured, emotionally beaten or physically even. And they have seen that one person in this world who they love killed before their very eyes. Or they never had that person at all.
Last night Dave said something that is very true. People spend so much time in selfish thought, worrying about their internal battles and their shitty lives, that they have no energy or power left over for improving the world they live in. I think some people spend the entirety of their lives in this mode. And what good is that?
I think that the pain of whatever I'm going through is going to help mold me, like a fire clears a forest and allows for new growth. Or like water slowly erodes out the Grand Canyon, or various other similes and metaphors ... and I'm glad that I have Dave here with me. I laughed out loud last night because of the absurdity of two people trying to stay together and not kill each other throughout their twenties. What a crazy time alone, not to mention trying to intimately share that experience with someone else. But if you can make it, how amazing it is to look back and laugh on how insane it was, and how beautiful and hard and WORTH IT.
We are but a moment's sunlight, fading in the grass ...