(no subject)

Jul 21, 2008 01:14

Can people really change? Or are we perpetually the same? Will I ever think differently or will the same things stay in my mind no matter what I do? Is it worth it to try and fix it or to put a lot of energy into doing it a different way?

I have a lot of power and it's scattered, put into the wrong things.

Friends. What are they really? Are they the people who you can call to get fucked up and ride a bull in some shitty bar with a lot of other lost drunk souls? Or are they the people who you can call when you're so sad that even a drink can't fix it? Are they both? I know that I feel that I have very few people outside of Dave who I can rely on and trust and who care about taking care of me at all.

There is so much I want to do once I get outside of the trap of myself. Once I put my pride to the side, once I throw out the negative dirty bathwater that I marinate myself in every day. Once I harness that peaceful positive person inside of me.

War. Hurt. Edge. Tears. Sting. Burn. Why is it all so close? And why do I use control to keep it at bay?

All nonsense, all of it. And I am just frustrated. Frustrated because it's such a burden to carry mostly alone, when you have a fracture of your needs filled but the other pieces aren't accounted for and they're just as important for the whole picture.

I want to be different than I am. I want to come to terms with the fact that I am all I have in the end, ever, and that I need to be functional anyway. And happy. That my happiness can NOT depend on other people.
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