long time
wow so its been a while since i have written in here..basically whenever i do i'm going thru a lot..and ive been going thru a lot but ive been busy too..i just need to get some stuff out..and the only way to do it is write it down..things have been so crazy this summer..its like i wanted so bad for this summer to be the best of my life bc im going to college in one week..and as much as i had fun so much stuff happened that never should have..i mean overall of course its been a good summer..i did do some crazy and fun things i wanted to do..i got off my ass and went to carowinds..didnt get around to a beach trip but thats ok..i have time..i did some random stuff like that slip and slide thing me carly and mike did..i got out and played some volleyball and i went swimming a little more went to a ton of movies..tried to always be busy and doing something..i hung out with all my friends and i worked and its like now the summer is over and i have to grow up..im not ready to grow up...i didnt enjoy my last summer as much as i could have..there was still drama still fighting..still weeks where ppl wouldnt talk to each other..and now of course things are split up again..its like i dont want to move on from this life i have..but i have to in a way..i mean of course not fully and completely..i will still chill with all my friends and hang out..just not see them all day long.. but theres parts where im just tired of trying..bc im always the one trying..i hate letting go of things..of people..of life..and as much as i dont want to and as much as im scared and sad and depressed and fearful of doing it..im just so tired of nothing changing..of going thru the same stuff all the time..and nothing ever fully working out..i want to try i want things to work i want to have everything be exactly the same except for the fact that ill be in college..but it doesnt seem like it will be..i cant just go on like this anymore..if im being forced to grow up i dont want my teenage emotions anymore..i dont want this high school teenage drama if im supposed to be mature now..i dont want to miss out on this new opportunity in my life bc im still stressing other issues..i dont want to reach the end of a part of my life and look back and think damn..none of that was worth it..to be worth it means its still a part of my life..and right now..theres a past that i cant let go of that either needs to be let go of or change..and letting go makes me feel like everything was worthless..like why go thru so much if it isnt going to mean shit later..you wouldnt get married and have children if you didnt want them forever..so why make moments in ur life that mean the world to you and then just throw it away..its pointless..if its something great that youve always wanted to be a part of your life then why not keep it and make it work..bc throwing it away just makes it seem like it wasnt worth all the pain and happiness you went thru during the time..if its never going to be there in ur life again then it would be so much easier to just never have gone thru it bc its a waste..id rather not live with pain and think back and look at my life and be like wow even tho im hurting today that was so awesome..bc id rather not feel pain..id rather never go thru something great if it wasnt going to last forever..bc to me the pain is more unbearable than never having something great..to look back and realize life was good at that time but now you dont have it anymore is worse then having nothing to look back to..bc if nothing is there to look back on..there is no reason to hurt..so im at that point in my life where everything is yelling let go..but my heart is dying to hold on..everything in life is screaming at me to stop putting myself thru the pain of holding on..but the pain of letting go scares me more..im so willing to try..to work things out and listen..to give my opinion and be heard..to be acknowledged..to be understood..to be trusted..but it doesnt seem like its going to happen..its like my life has hit a brick wall and im in a room with 4 doors and dont kno which one to pick from..IM STUCK