(no subject)
so like..so much shit has happened in this past week its crazy..my life was falling apart..i just wanted to leave..and in a way still do..but i need time to just think this out..i dont want to make a stupid decision ill regret later..bc regretting sucks..i just dont kno who anyone is anymore..i dont even kno if i kno myself..its like sometimes ppl put something in ur head so much that it becomes who you are and what you think..and its happening to me..ive got so much on my mind and so many things to take care of that i dont know how to handle it..there is like broken pieces of me scattered everywhere..and everyone i love has a piece..and i cant get it back..sometimes i wonder how ppl would react if i just wasnt around..like ever..again..but not bc i want to kno how they would react..its that im scared of how they would..sometimes i just feel like gettin up from everything and going away..but too many ppl hold so much of me..that i would be going away from myself..its like i would just be abandoning me..and not my life..maybe thats what i really want tho..maybe im tired of who i am and what i do and all the shit i go thru so if i abandon me i dont have to worry about how i feel..i dont have to worry about anything bc im gone..i could build a new me..but i wouldnt kno how or what to make of myself..once youve given so much of urself to certain ppl and issues i dont think its possible to just ever forget about it or pretend its not a part of who you are..so im like stuck in a gap..i want to get to one side to get away but i cant bc i have broken pieces preventing me and then if i were to turn around that wouldnt work either bc my past has issues that havent been resolved so its broken off there and its leaving me in the middle until i work this out..but the thing is..i cant..its too hard..and i dont kno how to work it out..or maybe i do kno how but it has to be resolved with others in my life also..i cant just fix eveyrhting on my own..and im the only one picking up all the puzzle pieces trying to put it back together..and it takes too long to do a puzzle by urself..it gets done better and faster when others are helping you out..but no one is helping me..i dont think anyone wants to..no one wants to try..im willing to try but everyone wants to live in misery and not try to be happy..its like im the only one who thinks this can be done if we all get together to accomplish it..but all the others are too scared or too hurt and think the way to go is to not solve it and just destroy it so they wont have to deal with it..bnut if its destroyed then its allways there..the broken pieces waiting to be fixed..only when its fixed can things work out..wow..i dont even kno what i just talked about..but in a weird way it all makes sense..maybe i shouldnt have sat there while everyone smoked..i forgot about my contact allergies..my nose is clogged now and i guess some of it got to my head and made me think..but great that means its in my system and i dont fucking want it there..im done with that life..im done with dealing with my pain that way..maybe i dont deal with it too well now and have bad ways of dealing with it currently but at least its not like 20 million bad ways of dealing with it..and at least im not getting in trouble or like addicted to somthin that only makes me more depressed..im glad i gave that up..ive seen too many friends waste their life on it..and too many not knowing what it can do and wanting to try it more and more now..i feel sorry for them and me in a way..i think im just gonna go to bed now so i dont have to feel like this anymore and im hungry i didnt eat much today..god i hope no one reads this and thinks im totally insane..but then again why do i care..plenty of ppl already think worse things about me..and they dont even kno me..