(no subject)
so yesterday i was so mad and angry..and when i woke up this morning i had an overwhelming amount of hate in me..it was so bad i woke up crying..letting go is hard..and i guess this is how i deal with it..it feels like im quiting cigs like cold turkey or something..its like an addiction or drug..and when i finally realized that i have no more love just hate..i felt slightly better..i mean i felt horrible bc hate feels very shitty..i felt bad bc i just had a like million thoughts going thru my head at once..and i wanted to blame them all on my hate..but i felt like i had let go..and it made me feel stronger..until i realized that hating isnt letting go..its an excuse to hold on..and now im sad again..bc i came to the conclusion that this is going to be a battle..and nothing will ever be the same again bc im still so angry at so much stuff that has happened..its like i looked back on the past and the things that used to piss me off that i got over and i realized i never got over them bc they werent ever talked about or dealt with i just pushed them away to hold on..and now that im realizing this i realize i dont want to ignore what hurts or angers me anymore..i want to face it and i want to confront..but i cant..i just dont want to deal with it..id rather..sit here and go on and pretend it never happened..bc im still so hurt from all of the shit before and all of the pain caused..and its depressing bc everyone sees it..everyone knows that i was hurt and should never have been and the problem still seems to hard to face..