Feeling...
I have been talking to Tom online for hours every night. Almost. I missed him a couple nights ago and again last night. I think about him all the time and when we're on messenger all I wanna do is talk to him. I look forward to our time all day. Here's the question - Is this real? What am I really feeling? There's nothing jumping out at me. I just know how happy I am when I talk to him. I just know how connected to him I feel when we're talking. I feel like he is looking into my heart and responding to what's written there. But at the same time, that's what scares me. I'm afraid that it's too easy, too much, too fast, too soon. I told him I wasn't prepared for this to hapen, to meet someone so soon. Maybe it would be different if it had been a stranger, if he hadn't been someone my heart held in the back all these years. And then, a couple days after he falls from his hiding place to the front of my mind again, he shows up for real. I truly believe the universe conspired to make all this happen. But I can't stop being afraid. How do I stop being afraid? He will read this and say "time will tell" or "let me prove it to you" or something, but I read what he wrote. He's afraid of the same thing I am - that it will turn out not to be real... We're both making a conscious effort to go slowly, so that we know we're both sure of what we're feeling and what's really happening. But things have been said, thing about the future - big things. How can you say tings like thinking I may be your soulmate and still say we're taking it slowly. I get the feeling part of us has already decided, but we're both so tangled with fears and nerves and past pain that we're in this crazy dance of leaping forward then backward. It's all a bit confusing. I believe part of the problem is that it's all just talking. Not to say it doesn't mean anything, because we've talked about so many deep, personal, emotional things. What I mean is that all we've had actually being together is a one hour lunch date, which I was too scared to even call a date. I think more time actually spent together would answer many of the questions eating at us both. So much can be said over the messenger window. But what do you really feel when you're together, looking into each other's eyes? What do you feel when he touches you? Kisses you? When he puts his arms around you? Those are the questions that really need answered if we're going to know what we're really feeling for each other.