Is this for real....?
So last week I was talking with Ran, just kinda rambling on to keep him company so he wouldn't miss Robbie so much. I was telling him about some of my old boyfriends, and I remembered a couple in particular where I wish I'd done things differently.... One of them was Tom. He was sweet and cuddly and I was just a stoopid girl... we'll leave it at that. But he is someone who comes to mind when people ask me "Do you ever wish you'd done things differently in your life?" or "Do you have any regrets?" So I'm telling Ran this... and I get on Yahoo messenger Saturday and there is one of those so-and-so wants to add you to their messenger boxes and I go into complete shock and squeel. Literally. Ran shot up from his nap thinking something had gotten me. It was him. Tom. So, of course, I added him. Duh. Within minutes, there he was.
We chatted before I had to go to work, and when I got off at closing time, he was back on the messenger. We talked till 7 in the morning. We've been talking every nite up till tonite. I cannot fathom this. It doesn't seem real, y'know.... The things we talk about. It's not about "hey how are you" weather talk. It's about seriously deep shit. Really emotional, meaningful, this is what it's really about kind of things... He makes me feel so comfortable talking to him that I don't even realise I'm telling him everything about me till I've done it. And he's really listening, really asking and wanting to know how I'm feeling and what's up with me.. I've told him that I just got out of something really messed up and I'm not completely ready, wasn't really prepared for something this big out of nowhere. And he says that he wants to take it slowly for both of us because he doesn't want to rush it and have it be something less than what it could be. That's the thing... it really could be.
There's also the part of me that can't help thinking it's not real.. that he'll change.. that no one can really be what he genuinely seems to be.... It's too much for me to imagine... After everything that's happened.. After the life I've had and the people who've all thrown me away, not wanting me once they had all of me... I can't believe that this person who I haven't seen in 12 or so years could come from nowhere suddenly and want me, the real me, all of me.. even the fucked up and cracked parts... Can it really be like this? No, he's not perfect. He's got issues and problems of his own.. but who is perfect? Life and love are not about perfect, they're about whether your cracked pieces fit against theirs. It's about two people knowing who they are and what they want, and knowing that the other person is going the same way they are.. It's about being with someone who really wants you, all the time, even on bad days, even when you're screaming and throwing things. Love is not always pretty when it's real. But that's what I want. I don't want pretty. I want real. And he just might be....