Fic: Somewhere along the way (2/?)
Title: Somewhere along the way (2/?)
Author: xredSunburstx
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Summary: "I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me." Are Arizona and Calliope able to work through a secret Arizona never shared with anyone?
"Somewhere I along the way I've found you, and I can't let you go…"
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: K
Spoiler: Episode 6x17
Disclaimer: The show and characters are not mine and there is no intention for copyright infringement.
Authors Note: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! I first thought it'd be too sad and maybe not appropriated, but it's in my mind and I can't force it out and to be honest I don't want to. It's something I thought that could happened to Ari to not want kids and another reason is to work through a thing that happened a friend of mine that affected me when I was younger and it's worth to be written down, because there are woman out there who experienced the same, who are scared to have kids. But enough from me now and here another, little longer Chapter for you to read! It's a part of Ani DiFranco's "Overlap". I love her more than anything (except of Callie/Arizona and Jessica) so I thought it would match this fanfic and this couple perfectly. Listen to the song intentionally… It's just perfect.
Hope you like it and have fun reading it. I'm really looking forward to your reviews!
Love, Sun
Chapter 2 - Overlap
(Calliope's pov)
Somebody once told me; if you find love, a never ending mesmerizing love that makes your wings grow taller and wider and your heart fly higher, you will never let it go in your entire life.
But why then I'm avoiding her? Why then?
Why am I running away from her, running in the opposite direction when she's the one I want to be with for the rest of my life?
Why, when I want us to be and have family?
Why, when I want us to start a life together?
Why, when I want to build a home for her and me?
Now. Still. But out of nothing?
I thought our love would be enough…
I was the one, after all the thinking and fighting, who was sure that I… that I found someone to love and be with. I thought that I finally came to a point where I wanted to be for so many years. A point where I could stay and be happy, forever, without moving further on. After all these crisis I gave up on love, on me, on anyone.
I never thought I would want to see me, hand in hand with someone else on a picture on a chimney in an old house where I still live and still love the same person in the age of 102.
I never thought someone could make me want children so much; affecting me that much to believe in life long love after what happened.
And maybe… just maybe, I should have stayed there on the save side of life. Alone, but save. Aching for love, but not hurt by love. I'd rather be dead than feeling like this…
I'm a mess and since her love went away, my old self is gone, the person she brought out of me. Since her love went away from me, it left back a shell of the person I was, a Glass, half empty. And whenever I see her it feels like she's taking another sip, thirsty, and another sip, until I'm drunk up, not there anymore.
When she left, she took everything away from me, she took the sane and healthy girl with her and I hate her for that.
At least I try… I try so hard. But the more I try to hate her, the more I miss her and the more I love her. It's crazy what she has done to me, how she was able to rip me apart and make me curious about one single thing. It's crazy how much she can hurt me with such a simple part.
One sentences… just one common sentence she should have said. God, she could have even lied to me and pretend that she wanted, that she really loved me. She could have made me believe anything. Everything is better than knowing the truth.
Because the truth hurts too much and it changed me.
Yes, I never thought a human heart could take so much hopeless and desperate love emerging your body, so much pain rushing through your veins, leading to your broken heart.
So many questions, but just one question printed down in front of my heavy eyes, in the haze of my free falling tears: Why?
So many words. Three meaningful, but still unsaid words.
I love you. I still do.
But they never reach her ears, and I feels like, I'm afraid of, they are never going to reach her heart ever again.
Imagine your life heading into a direction you always planned for yourself is one of the most wonderful and breakable thing.
Thinking about my future always gave me the strength to believe in love and family.
But now, collecting the shattered glass of the bubble I silently built up for a long time, shows me how deadly it can be to have a dream and I also realize how deadly it is to believe you really know someone and then find out that you never really knew him.
No, I never really knew Arizona. All I knew were that love her more than anything. I knew about her love for children, her passion, her perkiness and happiness, about her dead brother, her favourite meal and favourite music or book, about her sex addiction she developed since she dated me, how much she loved me talking Spanish.
I know so much about her… I know her smile and how to make her dimples show up. I know how it sounds when she whispers, or says or screams my name. I know what to do to let it happen. I know every part of her body and I wished I could have known every part of her soul, before I gave her an intentional insight in mine.
I wish the time would heal my wounds and force me back into her arms. I wish I could forget so we can really talk through this. I wish I could ignore what she hasn't said, but it settled down in my heart and whatever I'm telling myself, how hard I'm trying to find a plausible reason, I can't stop the tears from falling.
I'm crumbling more than I ever did before. It was her hands that made me crumble. And crumble. And… crumble…
It should have been a perfect night, one of so many nights, but our night. It should have been our anniversary. It should have been another night filled with declaration of love. But it wasn't like I planned it. It wasn't filled with love, kisses, affection touches and her body pressed against mine. Instead it was filled with breath - taking moments in the worse way.
I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap
She sat in front of me, telling me stories of one of her patients, one that reminded her of a boy she once knew in her High School. She talked about the nurses and the latest gossip they told her. She told me the latest joke one of her patients told her. She revealed me her dimples I oh so loved and even I knew I should listen I couldn't.
All I could think about were two little children looking exactly like her with blond messy and curly hair and mesmerizing dimples. I didn't listen to one word she said; instead I spent the time watching her taking another bite of the delicious meal I cooked. It happens to me so often that I watch her and fall in love with her just a little bit more. It's a normal act when I lose myself in her eyes, dreaming about what the future holds for both of us, for us… together.
And usually there's a smile playing around the corner of my lips.
But now there's only sadness capturing my body, because I realized that my dreams are never coming true when I want her to spend the rest of her life with me.
It feels like I have to choose between her and sweet, innocent children with dimples, and it's a burden I can't carry around with me. And I… I don't want to loose her ever.
But I'm scared I will do by still dreaming about the old house and children playing baseball in the garden while Arizona and I watching them. I feel like I betray her by thinking about it and I feel like I betray myself by not dreaming about it.
And so I ask "Why…", interrupting her rambling and laughter.
A simple word, spoken out in a whisper, and she looks at me totally confused.
I gulp and close my eyes before I raise my voice again, words leaping out of my mouth, reaching her ears so quickly, changing the colour of her eyes immediately.
"Why don't you want children with me?" I ask in a hushed voice, not able to ask her loudly, because I'm scarred of her reply and when I see her eyes filled with silent tears I know I shouldn't have asked.
"Calliope…" She slowly tries and I know where this is heading. Into a long conversation or into a quick break up. And I can't take it. I can't take the explanation. I stand up immediately, curious and I'm walking up and down in the living room, because I can't stand still. If I stand still those sneaky feelings will capture my body.
She stands too, trying to walk up to me, her eyes filled with compassion. And even I want her near, closer, a lot closer, burying myself in her embrace; I don't want her to look at me that way.
"Don't Arizona! Don't look at me that way. Just… Just be honest and don't Calliope me right now! Just tell me: Did you ever imagine starting a future with me? Did you ever imagine raising children with me? To get children with me? Starting a family?"
She hesitates. She stands in front of me, looking me into the eyes directionally. But she isn't saying a word. She tries to move her lips desperately, but no sound is coming out of her mouth.
She hesitates and it's all I need to know, it's all I'm able to feel before I'm shattering.
"Please go." I simply say and when she's trying to walk up to me and touch me I shove her away. I shove her away so hard I'm almost falling to the ground, because I haven't got any strength left in my body.
"GO!" I scream a last time, before I watch her get her coat, already crying. And then I watch her walking out of my life.
I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same
With her my life walked out of sight. She has been my entire hope, my love, my everything.
And with her going away, everything else is gone, too.
2 weeks passed with me spending most of the time in Seattle's greatest bars.
It's because I know that I can't be there where we spend most of the time. The memories of her and me together are too hard to go through.
I spend my time with drinking so much so I'm not able to feel the pain completely, and even tonight when my shift is starting in less than 9 hours I sit there with Mark at my side, rambling about the new nurse he slept with, being his old self again. And I wish I could be the same, ignoring how much she hurt me, how much I hurt my own self.
But instead I'm drowning in my Tequila, losing myself by looking into the glass, reflecting myself in it. I don't see the world around me anymore, not since she's gone and I don't see myself anymore. Not like I used to watch myself. I'm again unhealthy and insane.
I want her; no… I need her, to make me healthy and sane again. I need her so much.
"Thinking about Blondie, huh?" Hearing her nickname makes me look up, into the worried glance of my friend and I just nod, not able to say something else.
I know he wants me to be my old self again, as much as I want, but he also wants me to forget Blondie. He wants me to be happy again, not thinking about my happiness I had with her. I'm not like him. I can't forget. I can't go on. Because nothing compares to her. And as soon as I drowned the hard liquor, feeling the burn and hurt of my throat, I feel my throat cording up with a feeling that's emerging my body like thousand needles rushing down.
For 2 weeks now my heart feels heavy like it's pounding the wrong way, but now it's just breaking a little bit more, if this is really possible.
When I look up I feel like I need to throw up immediately, because the pain is too much for me.
How she's standing there, entering the bar, looking tired and worn out, just like me, is killing me painfully slowly. And I wish I could call out her name and wink, call her over. I wish I could go to her and get her, kiss her passionately in from of everyone to show them she belongs to me. I want to tell her I miss her like I do every time I haven't seen her for a few hours. I want to do so much.
But instead… Instead I look at her, sorrow gracing my face, and when she looks into my direction I want to die. I can't see her, knowing she isn't mine anymore.
And even I'm almost bursting, silent tears running down my cheek, again, I want to ask her one single thing. Just one, single, thing.
come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your silhouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet
I want to ask her to stand right where she is, because I want to see what I lost. I want to see what I lost, before I'm going home, drowning in my own cried tears.
I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I wish there would be comfort
where we overlap
And there she is taking a sip, emptying my glass.