Fic: Somewhere along the way (1/?)
Title: Somewhere along the way (1/?)
Author: xredSunburstx
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Summary: "I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me." Are Arizona and Calliope able to work through a secret Arizona never shared with anyone?
"Somewhere I along the way I've found you, and I can't let you go…"
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: K
Spoiler: Episode 6x17
Disclaimer: The show and characters are not mine and there is no intention for copyright infringement.
Chapter 1
Deafness, Blankness and numbness are the escort of Loneliness. Grievousness is just another part of so many feelings which are capturing your body, without asking you if you want them to stay and making you curious. Anorexia and the want to drown yourself in alcohol is just the result of a long fought fight you know you are never, ever, going to win.
And I can't lie and say I'm still a fighter, a strong man in the storm. I can't say I never thought about giving this up, because I do. Because I don't know how to win this, how to fool my deepest enemy. I don't know how to forget and stop being myself.
When I hold this tiny piece of paper in my hand I know I have to and I know I want to. I need to. But it's not that easy. It has never been and even I thought about being able to do this. Even when I thought about doing this with her. I can't… I… it's not that easy. This time I can't laugh or make jokes to override my true feelings. This time I can't ramble to forget what happened and made me to who I am now.
And even she started to become the most important part in my life it's not something I have to go through again. When I glide over this piece of paper with my fingers, gliding over her face, revealing me her face, her smile, which I haven't seen for such a long time, I want to recover. I want us to recover and get back in this room where I saw her true smile for the last time. I want to tell her honestly what stops me, what I'm afraid of.
I want us to be stable and I want us to be truth.
Oh god… I never thought one sentences could destroy everything. One sentences I haven't even said. But it's true… it was me… just me. And I still ask myself, after 2 weeks in which we didn't even spoke, how I could do this, how I could let her go that easily. I ask myself how I could leave love behind, when love is all I need.
I just shake of the hurting thoughts by throwing the picture that reminds me of our good times back into the locker, before I close it immediately and leave a place which reminds me of her to. But I can't go nowhere in Seattle without being reminded of her. Maybe, just maybe I should go. Just maybe.
And when I walk through the corridors like a shadow of myself I can't think of something else than going back in time and involuntarily I think of the day which changed everything and took away the good.
I can see her giant smile, capturing her whole face like almost never before. I could sense she had a good day when I entered the room and kissed her passionately. I could sense that something somehow changed within her when she kissed me back in a beautiful, breath - taking way like she never kissed me before. And when I finally sit down and start to eat and she screamed out happily I know that tonight would be a great night. But I never thought about saying her things like this.
"I'm on fire!" She burst out happily, throwing her hands in the air while I'm watching her, a smile playing on my face.
Whenever I'm watching her I know why I felt in love with her in the first place. She's still making my body tingle and my heart cringle. She's still surprising me, making me love her more and more each single day which is following. With every sentence that leaves her beautiful full lips I realize why I love her so much.
"But it's no just this…" She says, a small and proud smile gracing her lips.
"It's… Everyone came for relationship advice today… and I gave them sane and healthy advice!" I nod proudly, exactly knowing what she means, how she feels, because I feel the same way. I feel save… so save in her presence.
"…and whether they take it or not, I'm seen as someone sane and healthy enough to give advice! I mean I lived in the basement when I married an intern in Vegas. I wasn't seen that way!!!"
It's adorable when she rambles, trying to tell me exactly what she thinks. It makes me want to kiss her, be with her forever.
"You're amazing…" I tell her, smiling and nodding and I didn't except what she's saying.
"We are amazing…" She replies looking at me intentionally and it's hard for me to break the gaze, but I do, knowing how true it is. We ARE Amazing.
We were amazing…
"I mean, we are the stable couple now! We are everyone wants to be! I mean I can see us ten years from now in a big old house with kids running around and…"
I stop listening… my mind is spinning around, running back to a time where wine and cigarettes have been my stable company, where I could have filled a whole tube with my tears to drown myself afterwards in it. And even I start to giggle it's a simple way to hide how I felt a quick second again. It's something I decided a long time ago. The tiny coffins are worse enough, but not my own… not my own.
And so I say something, thinking our relationship, our love is truly stable.
But I was wrong.
She jerks up, looking me into the eyes.
"What?"
"No kids…" I say, still eating, not thinking about what I've done. "… you know I mean 'Yiekes'. No to the kids."
"You are joking right? I mean… you are in paediatrics."
"Yeah exactly..."
And then I start to ramble about a boy I saved, not telling her about the boy I couldn't save.
I tell her about the big house I want, about the chickens I'm crazy about.
I ramble further on about the old big house I lived in with my family once. The house I loved so much.
I talke about the dog I want and how we could make him to a chicken - attentive - dog.
I talk so much and so fast, because I try to make her forget what she just revealed to me, her deepest wishes, and what I just replied.
But I don't miss the twinkling sparkle in her dark brown eyes is long gone.
And I'm the reason.
Love shouldn't be like that.
If you truly, purely and passionately love someone, something like that shouldn't happen. Never.
But it still became a part of our lives, until it broke us apart, until we are slowly but surely sailing away from each other. Until we are where we now.
Misled.
Alone.
So much Unsaid.
And Iall I can is to Atone what I did.
But everything is Unstable now.
And we are Apart.
Unable to go back.
But I want to go back to the start.