You're the one I'm dreaming of - Chapter 1
Title: You're the one I'm dreaming of
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, only the idea and words of this fanfiction. They belong to my thoughts and my heart.
Chapter 1
When I look back I remember certain things.
I remember the time I had, the time I spent with my friends hanging around, laughing, spending days without doing anything, just laying on the beach, watching the waves raising and falling down again, building a rhythm that was magical to us. Sometime we sit there for hours, for a whole day, just sitting, talking, swimming, listening to music and enjoying life.
But there has also been a time; there had been days where it wasn't that easy to enjoy life without worrying about your past and your future. Even my friends knew me as a happy, crazy, talk active, bad - ass and funny person there was another person staying in my soul and this person was hard to restrain, hard to banish and so it stayed at the same spot for years.
And all I could do was watching how it grew until there wasn't place for something else.
When I was 17 those dreams started. It has been nightmares which reminded me of the things I'm scared of, of the things I can't have and the things I once had.
I always thought dreams were something treacherous.
Good dreams reveal you the thing you want, you need, your heart is aching for. Bad dreams are just the same, but simply the opposite. And the problem is it won't let you go even you are waking up.
I had a lot of problems to go to sleep, because it was hard for me to stop thinking. I really couldn't stop my mind pacing around where it shouldn't be in the middle of the night. I should have stayed in my bed, but instead I was elsewhere, guided by my heart, my thoughts and the sorrow I put on my shoulders. A weight I just couldn't carry with me without breaking someday.
But there has been someone to help me going my way, to help me finding my way and the first time in my life I felt relieved. I felt how the weight got less and less each day she was with me, until she left me.
The dreams started again; the weight came back, increasing to a point I couldn't go on anymore. But I survived; I got through it, until she got a part of my dreams again weeks ago.
Someday there was her face again; her smile so bright and shining, her eyes, full of honest and love… and passion… for me.
But now when I can't think about something else than her, when I really shouldn't, I try to find a reason, a cause of her entering my life again after so many years I tried to forget her.
And I search for the answer in my dreams.
I search for the answer in my past, where I still live.
…...
Almost 15 years earlier.
2 Months.
2 Months I need to get through this, I tell myself as I'm opening my eyes too early once again. I could sleep another 20 minutes before I need to get up for school, but after a night like this I'm glad to be able to stand finally up leaving the land of my unspoken dreams.
When I'm awake it's harder to be caught by the 'monsters' of my dreams and so I lay there, telling myself holiday's are coming soon and that means endless days and nights spending with my friends at the beach, doing all the things I can't do now because of school.
So I stand up, stretch out my really tired arms and legs and yawn before I collect some cool clothes, because the sun is already shining outside and I guess it's going to be really hot day.
Well, here in Miami it isn't very strange to get hot days. And that's what I love about Miami. The amazing weather!
But there's something I don't love about Miami right now and that's living with my family under one roof. Of course I love them. I guess that's just the way it is. You can't forget or stop loving people even they are hurting you sometimes. It doesn't matter if they are family or friends or the one you felt so deeply and madly in love with. There are some people you have a deep connection with if you want or not.
Oh and there it is, the connection I just can't deny. My brother. In a way I love him too. But things are just too complicated and even I look up to him since I'm a little girl, because he's 5 years older than I am, he makes it hard for me to accept his opinion and to actually love him.
As soon as I'm entering the kitchen he looks up with the usual "I know everything" grin on his face and I wish I wouldn't care about what's going on again and I don't have to wait long before he's telling me why he is in such a good mood this morning. I can hardly say "Good Morning" to him and Mom before he is throwing a mocking comment in my direction that leads to something worse.
"I've talked to your headmaster yesterday…"
Yeah, there are really things you don't want to hear when you are just starting a new day, trying to believe the day is going to be good, because it can't be worse as the day before. But thanks to him it can.
"Just because you already left school, studying, Mr Superbrain. And just because you still have contact with her doesn't mean you can talk to her about my marks and me in general!"
I snap back annoyed.
Oh, how much I hate that look on his face, like he has the power over anything and everyone else are his marionettes.
But with me he likes to play the most with and I bend.
There he continues as he didn't even listen to what I said.
"So… I talked to her about you… there has been interesting things…" he starts again and I give in, with my eyes rolling, so he is finally satisfied.
"Oh… really?"
"How's school going, Callie?" he asks me in a tone and with a smirk that reveals me everything I need to know: He knows everything and that's the worse thing ever.
"That's nothing for you to know…" I reply already angry.
"Well… they are not so good… She asked me what's wrong with you and I told her you have to learn a little bit more, because you're lazy…"
Until now I was able to control myself, but it's too late. I'm angry…. Oh god, I'm more than that.
"What have you done?"
He simply nods and I am absolutely ready to start a fight in the garden like we did when we were younger. Oh, I would shove and kick his ass until he isn't able to walk. God damn.
"You don't have the right to do that!"
I almost scream and let's say it's very hard for me not to punch him in the face directly. Even he would be right with the things he has said he hasn't got THE right to tell her these things exactly. For god's sake he is my brother… As if "We need to be there for each other, because we are brother & sister. Think about it! We are 100% from the same blood".
Yeah, each time he needs me we are from the same blood, but I guess yesterday he simply forget. Just perfect!
And there it is. He stands up as nothing happened and before he is leaving the room again he says in a wiseacre tone.
"Well… You should learn more and dream less…"
I'm almost saying: "Well, brother heart, you're not really interested in me and you are hardly here so stick your comments anywhere but keep them to yourself… You don't know me at all, damn!"
But hey, a simple "Lick my ass idiot!" fits my needs too.
My mother shrieks as she hears it.
Indignities and curses are not welcome under her roof, no she really didn't appreciated them in any way but I couldn't stop myself and I don't regret it. To be honest I'd say it over and over again if I had to.
"Your mother!" He tries to hurt me and smiles. Oh and that one made my mother scream.
"It's your mother too, dumbass…"
I reply before I'm waving both of them goodbye.
Girl, what a good way to start your morning…
After I left I thought my day really couldn't get better.
Not after what he said and not the way I'm feeling right now.
It's pure disappointment, hurt and shame, because I know in a way he's right.
Unfortunately he knows me too well.
Unfortunately he exactly knows how I act, how I developed and that I'm wasting my time with dreaming and hoping, instead of learning what I probably should do.
But that's who I am and I don't have a reason to change, not because of him or my family… not for anyone…
But my day got better. Cause it's a great feeling to enter your school, hugging your friends, throwing people a happy 'Good morning!' into their direction and wave, just to see them smile.
It's all about pretending, not thinking about what happened before you were a part of this institution and your friends again.
It's all about forgetting and being someone else I guess…
Well the 'good' school start with my friends and the people I know ended abruptly when I suddenly found out that we had to do an essay in science. A subject I was never really working for, because it was something I was just good in, but the problem is another forgotten homework and I'll have to talk to my lovely headmaster. It was a promise my teacher gave me smiling and I'd be pleased to avoid this kind of meeting.
Because of that I rush into the classroom as the first and I throw my bag on the ground right after I got a paper and a pencil to write my homework down. Unfortunately I get used to this kind of "home" working…
And I wrote and wrote with something called panic and fear sitting on my shoulder whispering words full of stress in my ears. But nothing could stop me, not even as my friends came in, sitting beneath me, talking about boys, or the others were acting like playground children around me.
I don't even stop as Mrs. Pearce is entering the room; greeting us with her usual gushing "Good Morning pupils!" way, placing the small teacher bag on the table.
"Today we have a guest! It's one of my other pupils, she's doing her final exam next year, and because she is interested in graduating in English literature she's going to spend the lesson with us now! Just sit down on the free chair…" Mrs. Pearce explains, but I'm not looking up, looking around to know who she brought with her. I don't even spin around to see the 'beauty' who brings every of our boys to whistle in anticipation.
I'm completely concentrating on the last sentences of my essay about the effect drugs has on your body. Thank god I'm good in biology… I'd have big, real big, problems if I couldn't write 2 pages within 10 minutes. But I can't even finish the last sentences, because I guess, today isn't really my day…
"Today I brought you a poem I want to talk about, in comparison to our latest topic: 'Love in literature'."
She says while she's handing out small papers to every one of us, giving us a little time to read over it, but that's not enough. She also wants someone to read it out and even everyone shows how stupid they think it is I like it. My favourite and best lesson is biology/science, because it's the thing I want to do later. But I long lost my dream to be a doctor… with the marks I have now I can forget it…
I always liked English as a subject and I also like poems, because they reveal the soul of something. It's short, but it's full of non said things you sometimes just can say in a poem. There are so many ways to tell it, so many forms and so much space to interpret it and that's what I like about it. It's melodic… somehow it's beautiful.
"Who like to read this one out?" She asks and everyone is laughing silently.
Yeah, of course everyone is raising there hands voluntarily.
And even I have to grin widely, because I know the usual 'looking away, coughing like you can't read because somehow your throat suddenly starts to hurt, never look her in the eyes' tactic of my mates. Well and I was so stupid to look her in the eyes.
"How about you Callie? Would you like to read it out?"
Every one is laughing evil, glad they wasn't picked, maybe even a little bit gleeful that I was now the one who would stumble over words, blaming herself.
But I simply nod before I start to read it out, and hardly had I spoken out the first sentences everything around me is quiet, listening to my voice as I speak out the words I find in front of my eyes. When I'm reading it it's an amazing feeling, because I'm not thinking about speaking something wrong, instead I'm fleeing into another world for a few seconds and I take all of them with me.
"Let Nature be your teacher:
Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things.
We murder to dissect -
Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.
William Wordsworth"
And the silent captured everyone, even one of the loudest hold his breathe. Even the room stayed quiet, until the laughter broke it again and I turned as red as a tomato.
"Wow! You heard Callie read this out. Man this girl has a poet in her…"
They laughed mockingly and I knew school isn't about building up and defend and solidifying your personality.
No, it's rather about hiding yourself in the best possible way and that's what I'm trying to do after reading it out. I try to look the most pissed I can when my heart is saying something else.
But Mrs. Pearce sees it in another way, just like them, but in her eyes I have a real poet in me.
Just perfect… Another lesson she's going to do with you… Another lesson you have to justify in the front of those jerks. Another comment you say they are using to make you feel like an idiot and a loser instead of letting you be a part of the cool.
"Thank you, Callie…" She says grateful with a sympathy smile for me.
"So… what do you think is the intension of the poem?" She asks into the round, but it takes a few minutes until she's finally invoice Steve.
The Steve I was once together to proof myself I'm not different. The Steve who is mocking me since I left him. The Steve who is the biggest asshole in the whole school.
"I think William Wordsworth wants to tell us that we shouldn't drive with a car…" he says like he said the cleverest thing in the world.
"Well… Steve… it's not the main intension of him, but…"
"… but it's totally crap…" I blurt out loud without really thinking what I'll start with this. Everyone laughs and he will be ashamed the rest of the lesson and usually I'd be glad, but he's never just leaving something when he was the one who got laughed at.
I know I should better stop before I gave him another reason to make the situation any worse, but I can't stop myself from correcting him. It's not because he said something wrong, it's because the boy who thinks he knows EVERTHING said it. Because the boy who treats every one who isn't his friend like shit and I'm not even sure they get threaded the way they should be as his friends.
"It wasn't really William Wordsworth who wants to tell us something, it's the first person narrator who's acting like our teacher, who wants to make us realize something really important. But he's also including himself in line 5. He is also someone who murder to dissect. The main intension of the poem is our lifestyle, the cities we built, the nature we killed with that. It's an allusion of the Industrialisation that changed a lot of things. Furthermore it's about Nature which should teach us, be a part of our life, but instead we are rather life in connection with Science, technology and technical progress. He talks about giving nature a try and realizing the beauty of it. Line 5 also reveals that we are misleading the situation, that we are part of something that murders our nature. And there we are at the natural behaviour of the human beings. It's normal, but we need to change and we need to be thought. WE have to realize that we bring nature its perdition, but we also bring ours and we destroy our salvation…"
I say and there's another silent moment, but this time there is no laughter and no one is saying something instead of Mrs. Pearce who is looking at me in disbelief, before she brings out an astonished "Wow, yeah… that's absolutely right… Good…" And then she's clearing her throat and she continues.
"And how do you think you can compare this poem to love?"
Again there is silence and I raise my hand, hearing a few annoyed sighs, but today I don't really care. To hell with all of them sighing because I know it, because I have to say something.
"Yeah, Callie?" She says with a smile and I can see in her eyes how grateful she is that at least one is answering her questions.
"If we replace Nature with love and science and art with hate and lies it's easy to see the scheme. It's quiet the same. WE just have to listen to love, because love is everything that counts in the end. We just need to see the beauty of love and forget everything that makes us believe that there's no love, that love isn't worth it. We have to get through all the hate, the lies and war that separates us from the salvation love brings to us. If we open our heart and if we give in we receive more than we do when we are influenced by the bad things, when we believe in other things than love. We shouldn't try to dissect love or ask what it is. We just have to believe in it and live with it. Nothing more is asked. Just watch and listen. Love is a sainthood we need to realize to life with it, because Love is everything that counts in the end. It's everything."
I'm used to all the laughter, but it still hurts… it hurts to realize that I'm the only one who thinks of it in that way. The only ones who aren't laughing are my friends and the girl who is sitting in the last row. I didn't need do look around to see her or see if she laughed, because I can differ. I know their laughter to know the usual ones are laughing. It's like each English lesson…
And because it makes me feel very very uncomfortable I leave class as soon as the bell is ringing and I hide myself at my most favourite place right under the tree a little bit away from the usual school building and I enjoy the offer of peace and silence. But I'm not long alone as my best Friend is sitting down beneath me, looking me directly in the eyes.
"It was awesome what you said…" She tells me sincerely and I know she isn't just lying to make me feel better, but I just can't forget the way I was feeling when I sat in there, listening to their voices, their laughter.
I know I should smile and I know I should be proud of myself making them speechless. But it's just the other way around. Unfortunately it always has been like that. I'm really bad ass, I really am, but sometimes I just ask myself what I have done wrong to make them laugh so hard.
"Thank you…" I reply and for the rest of our short break we sit there talking about the last movie we have seen and I love to be able to think about something else for a minute. I am able to escape Steve.
But even I feel restless I believe that there will be something more someday. I believe that someday I can be who I am without hearing loud laughter.
Maybe… Maybe someday could come soon?
One thing I hate about this school is the few pupils who make it more difficult as it has to be.
But one thing I love about here and I guess it's also the reason I first thought about attending the school are the all year coming musicals I adore. And even I have to spend my spare time at school I enter our assembly hall with a smile recognizing all the people who are already working.
There are a few sitting on the tables to learn their text, another part is sitting on the ground, preparing things for the stage design, a few of the singers are already on the stage doing something that looks like some strange kind of choreography and the rest is sitting on the white chairs, talking, laughing, waiting for their part to come up. And because I also need to wait for my part to come up I sit down beneath some of my friends who are also working on this.
Yeah, usually I'd love to leave school as fast and possible and that it's unbelievably hot outside and it's time to spend your time in the water instead of watering like a fountain I love it to sit here. It's kind of another world I live in for a few hours a few days in the week a few months until we had our production. Until the normal school day will haunt me and get me back for free. I love staying her, being one of the ones who love something, not being laughed at. I love to be a part of something else.
But when I'm looking up I'm getting pulled away again. I'm leaving this world to go and visit another one.
As I'm looking up I get hit so suddenly and my body is tensed within seconds.
I look up a brief moment to see what's going on and instead I see her, a girl I've never seen her before, standing there with a giant smile plastered on her face and I can't believe how fast my heart is actually racing because of someone I just recognized.
I can't believe that my eyes are permanent fixated on her body, taking in every move she's making. I can't believe how suddenly it hit me and I can't believe…
I can't believe how beautiful she is.
Her blond shoulder long curls are caressing her chin so perfectly and the white summer dress she's wearing just simply fits her figure and her long slender legs so well and I am staring at her like an idiot.
But as soon as I'm looking away, trying to hide my embarrassment and asking myself if someone has seen HOW I looked into her direction, I find myself looking back just a few seconds afterwards and I stare at her like I've never seen a girl before and I ask myself why I'm so attracted to her.
For sure there are a lot of beautiful girls outside, but she is… she's different, because it's like she was lighten the room with the way she smiles when she entered the room.
Oh god… the realisation hits me hard after I acted like one if those love sick guys around here…
I want her, God… I really want her…
I'm falling for a girl within seconds who's miles away from me, who's still a stranger, who's name I don't even now, but I wish I could get to know everything about here.
I want to know why she's smiling right now the way she does.
I want to know about what she's thinking when she's looking out of the window, seeming to loose every connection to the world around her.
I want to know what she feels when they bring her back into reality and when she's laughing.
I want to be the one who's sitting next to her in the chair talking to her like we were old friends and like we could be more than that.
I want to know everything.
But still there's something I already know: She's beautiful and I need to talk to her. I need to…
"Callie?"
I spin around, looking at one of the musical leaders.
"Yes?"
"Could you help us over there?"
Just perfect….
And I thought I could spend the rest of the time watching her, but even I can't look at her, her features are permanent printed down in my head anyway…
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Author's Note: I know the start of this is a little bit low, but thank you very much for reading and I really look forward to your opinion. :)
All my best wishes for you and a nice Sunday ;)
-Sun