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I've noticed a pattern lately. Guys that actively pursue me these days annoy me. I don't even return phone calls. And when they resort to texting me after not hearing from me, I get irritated and immediately roll my eyes. Nowadays, I hate feeling obligated to do anything. This isn't the old Nat. This isn't the dutiful, considerate to the world, must spare other's feelings Nat. This is something new, something entirely unstable and erratic.
The only guys who interest me are the ones that don't ask anything from me. They are just as noncommittal as I am and it works. I enjoy their company if I see them and then I get on with my life. I don't get emotionally attached and I can just have fun and live in the moment. It's all fun and games, shits and giggles.
I am fully aware that I am in a transitional phase after a long relationship. It's a confusing time. If he wasn't the one, if he wasn't my type, then what is? Who is? I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for. I used to pride myself on having high standards, on knowing exactly how I wanted to be treated. Now? My standards are in constant flux. Everything has gone topsy-turvy on me. I think I like one guy one day and then am completely dismissive the next. I'll have a mad text session with another one night and then cannot be bothered to respond a few days later. I care, I'm indifferent. I'm responsive and then not. Hot, cold. Up, down. I'm a veritable rollercoaster of inconsistency.
I know it's trite, but, for a while, my attraction was for those who are nearly Shine's polar opposite. Guys who aren't always considerate or polite. Guys who aren't smooth, who don't always say or do the right thing. And me? I went through my destructive phase. Boy oh boy, I have let myself get completely out of control. I have said and done things that still make me flush with embarrassment. Nat's Night of Shame, AKA the worst night of my life, occurred only a couple months post break-up.
Now that 2007 has come around, I find that I am reverting back to some semblance of my former self. Not nearly as uninhibited. Not so selfish, not so impulsive. Not as vacillating. I know I'm changing. I can feel it. My friends have even remarked on it. I have never felt so un-Nat before, so turned off by the idea of sharing my life with someone, so down on love. After all, I did find someone who was handsome, intelligent, charming, considerate, parents loved him, yada yada yada, all I thought I wanted, and it didn't work out. So now what? I used to say that I lived for the dream of finding that special someone to share my life with. That dream is falling apart.
I am ____________________. Fill me in.