(no subject)
i really need to stop being so bitchy and feeling like i'm always the thirdwheel/a peice of shit. i really do feel that way. sometimes i think my best friend doens't even wanan be friends with me anymore because of my attitude. my attitude causes me to be left out of going out with my fucking best friends and making me feel worse about my self. and i ahte it. i wish that i could change my self for the better and i know that i have too. but its so hard becasue for my whole life i've been that person who is always "just there" and "extra baggage" and it really hurts even wrose when someone actually says it. i hold my feelins inside and i dont tell people what i'm mad about, and why i'm being a bitch. i dont want to be that person anymore, because in all honesty i know that one day i'm just gonna loose all of my friends because they dont wanna deal with me anymore. and i do not want that to happen because i have no idea where i would be without them. i've been friends with my best friend for fucking 8 years now, and i love her with all of my heart. she means the world to me and i would take a bullet for that girl. but sometimes i really do think that she doesn't even wanna be around me, and maybe i'm over analyzing everything, but its true i really feel that way. and when i start to think about it and stuff and i'm around everyone else i become a bitch because i have my guard up. we started becoming very close with a girl and i love her a wicked lot too. we spent everyday with her in the summer and now we're all ike 3 best friends. and i love it. the three trouble makers, the three girls who would do anything for eachother. but i hope i'm not the only one who feels that way. i wish that i could turn back time and say whats on my mind and not be such a bitch. it even makes me have a lump in my throat thinking about it. i feel like my friends dont even like me and that its true, i'm just the girl who is always there, and who everyone just thinks of as a bitch and just is nice to their face but talks shit behind her back. because i know how it feels and i've done it too, to be honest. and i hate my self for that, because i do know how it feels and it sucks a wicked lot. i really hope that this is all happening for a better cause, and that it will make me a stronger person on the inside and make my friendships with those two girls stronger. i would die for those two girls, and for everyone of my good friends who put up with my bullshit. i appreciate everything they have done for me in the past and up to now. i hate how they dont wanna be around me, i hate that i always feel like shit the third wheel. i know i'm repeating a lot of stuff, but its all just in my fucking head. sometimes i even hate my personality, and my self. i'm sarcastic, i overanalyze things, i'm a bitch, but what my real friends know (welll i hope thye know), i'm very caring for them, if they are mad i think that its because of me even when i wasn't even around, every night when i'm not with them i pray to god they dont get into an accident or get hurt. i know that sounds wicked gay, but its true. sometimes i wish that i wasn't even around because i think that they feel that they would be happier if i wasn't . all i want if for them and for everyone around me to be happy. i try to please everyone but my self, and maybe thats why i'm like this. i hate thinking that i'm getting trashed talked behind my back because it has happened in the past by a lot of my so called "friends" and worrying about shit. i wish that i was like them. being free spirited and happy all the time. and letting people know whats on my mind. i'm done babbling, but i really hope that this all works out for the better.
goodbye.
goodbye.