Wandering Thoughts
I've been thinking nonstop over the past few days for understandable reasons. I have trouble sleeping and can't focus on anything in particular cuz im just sad and thinking about things all the time. I'm so happy I was home this weekend, it was one of the hardest few days of my life but its made me realize just how lucky i am. I struggle with my faith a lot but its times like this that make me believe in some kind of force in the universe that must be looking out for me, because theres no way I'd ever be able to get through things on my own.
I have amazing friends. Most people dont ever get as lucky as I am to have these truly unbelievable people in their lives and I couldn't be more thankful. I guess this is sort of why I struggle with my issues so much. Because I really cant help my unhappiness and the rational part in my brain wants to explain it away but it can't its just there and sometimes its something you just have to live with and work through and just keep living. The idea of suicide scared me so much and i guess this all effected me so much because its such a real thing. There are days when i jsut feel so totally and completely down that i dont really know if im gonna be able to pick myself back up again. Somehow I've found the strength to just carry on anyway and I don't really know how. Sometimes it gets worse because i fees so guilty about it. Because i AM incredibly lucky and blessed, and i do know that. I feel bad being unhappy when there are people out there who have it so much worse than i do. But sometimes you just can't help it. It has nothing to do with anyone else or the things and people i have or dont have. Sometimes it doesnt even have anything to do with me, it just is. And I guess thats what makes it so scary, the lack of control, the guilt.
I have my family, and i have my friends. and I am thankful for them and they have gotten me through everything these past years and i am terrified to think about what i would do without them.
What happened has nothing to do with me, but maybe its helped a little. Maybe it can help other people too. It's made me think, and its made me confident and its made me proud of my strength and thankful for what I have. I never would have been able to put this out there a week ago and now i can.
I'm scared.
I'm scared things won't ever really be "ok".
I'm scared I'll never know what happiness is.
I'm scared I'll lose the people I love.
I'm scared I've already lost myself.
I'm scared that I won't ever find the help I need, and
I'm scared that I don't really want help.
Most of all, I guess I'm kind of scared that I might just be ok now. That this is the way my life is supposed to be and that it will go on like this forever and I will spend my whole life settling.
I'm really scared of settling.
I don't know what to think anymore, now that I've just let everything come out. My mind is blank and my stomachs kind of doing flip-flops. Physically it feels horrible, mentally im just confused and a little numb.
*This was a stream of consciousness that I felt was necessary for me to get out in this time that I'm struggling with a lot of things. I appreciate that you're all here for me if i need you and i love you for it*