i hate complaining, but i also hate existing
so bridget has been destroying me lately
said she wanted time away so i gave her 2 days did not call or go over there. her friend chris from work has moved his stuff in with her and he has slept in bed with her for the last 8 days. they are bff now and they go out and drink together until 6 in the morning and she does not call me. she said she does not want me to tell her what to do. i gave her 2 days. 2 long horrible empty empty rotting disgusting i hate myself i am nothing without my beloved days. then i begin to wake up at 3 in the morning and wonder where she is. i call her she doesnt answer. i call chris, her new bff, the sioux chef 32 year old goth intellectual bridget is fascinated by because he is miserable and dark and smart and into cooking and he has lived with her for one week now. i called him after she didnt answer, he said they were on their way home. i was at her house waiting. i left my house at 230 in the am to see her. i waited on her steps until 6 am. i cried and said rosaries. she called and said would i be hurt if she asked me to go home? i said what did i do wrong? why don't you want to see me? im your girlfriend. i love you . i want to be with you. she said , crying, she doesn't know what she's doing, she just can't see me. i cry and try to slit my wrists with her dull kitchen knives. i got so frustrated because they wouldnt cut. i dont want to live if i dont have her love, AND THAT IS SUCH A SICK UNFORTUNATE HORRIBLE WAY TO FEEL. i compromised the respect of my family to have her in my life, and know SHE DOESNT KNOW. i really put effort into the cutting, i really tried, i was like i want to get out of this world i want to get out get out get out get out and see god and see god.....it was so awful then she comes home and tells me to leave. she says she loves me and shell call me in a few days. she is very drunk. she cries more, tells me im stupid for trying to die, tries to strangle me and ask me if that is what i really want. i say yes and i really truly mean it. she says i dont want too. but i do. she cries, i cry. we kiss and its like disgusting medicated attempts and salvaging a dead beautiful thing its sanitary and forced and tragic. she tells me to leave i say i dont want tooo i want to stay with you.. she says no chris is staying here go home. i punch her in the face, she draws a heart in the dew on my car. i go home and cry all morning to my grandmother who buys me donuts and says you should eat when your sad. i feel worse than i did when my brother died. i have never felt this disgusting in my life. i see her the next day when chris is at work and we are fine. we are not like we used too, i dont feel like she loves me as much, but we are okay. then the next night i wake up at430 in the morning again. i call her, she doesnt answer. i drive to her house, to find it empty. i scream and cry. at 530 am i hear the door unlock, she walks in with chris, laughing and carrying on as though they were soulmates. she sees me, and we walk into the bathroom, she holds me, cries, says shes sorry, she doesnt know what she wants, she doesnt care about anybody. she is drunk. she walks back out to the kitchen, where chris . shes hugs me and says, your going to hate me, but you have to leave. i call katie who is FORVER MY SALVATION YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND TO ME ANYONE HAS EVER BEEN. after i stay with her for awhile, i return to bridgets ecause she and chris have gone to work < they get home at 530 am from drinking and leave at 10 am to go back to NOLA slavedrivers, inc for a double shift> i take all of my pictures down and throw them away. i put salt in her bed, and grease in her sink. i go to work. she leaves me 2 messages saying shes sorry, she loves me, we should talk. after work i buy her some hummus and powerade matrix and leave it at her house with a note that says i still take care of you even when your an asshole. i come home take 4 aleve, fall asleep. she leaves nice messages today. i call chris, and wouldnt you know he's off today, so bridget gave him her car. i called bridgets mom and cried to her about it. she said she'll talk to her, that this isnt right. the other night, there was a man at my work who was very cute. he asked me to go out with him after work. undder normal circumstances, i say no and laugh it off. i said yes. we went to his hotel room. he was a 32 year old security guard. no we did not have sex. we talked. he said his brother killed himself also. he said when him and his wife got a divorce, he ran his car into a cement pole and broke both of his legs. we hugged. i tried to want to sleep with him because i wanted the release and i wanted to feel loved and i wanted to hurt bridget. but i couldnt help feeling like he was my dad or something. i just can't find men or boys attractive. i really try. this is the most horrible situation i have ever been in , and i wish she would call me.
said she wanted time away so i gave her 2 days did not call or go over there. her friend chris from work has moved his stuff in with her and he has slept in bed with her for the last 8 days. they are bff now and they go out and drink together until 6 in the morning and she does not call me. she said she does not want me to tell her what to do. i gave her 2 days. 2 long horrible empty empty rotting disgusting i hate myself i am nothing without my beloved days. then i begin to wake up at 3 in the morning and wonder where she is. i call her she doesnt answer. i call chris, her new bff, the sioux chef 32 year old goth intellectual bridget is fascinated by because he is miserable and dark and smart and into cooking and he has lived with her for one week now. i called him after she didnt answer, he said they were on their way home. i was at her house waiting. i left my house at 230 in the am to see her. i waited on her steps until 6 am. i cried and said rosaries. she called and said would i be hurt if she asked me to go home? i said what did i do wrong? why don't you want to see me? im your girlfriend. i love you . i want to be with you. she said , crying, she doesn't know what she's doing, she just can't see me. i cry and try to slit my wrists with her dull kitchen knives. i got so frustrated because they wouldnt cut. i dont want to live if i dont have her love, AND THAT IS SUCH A SICK UNFORTUNATE HORRIBLE WAY TO FEEL. i compromised the respect of my family to have her in my life, and know SHE DOESNT KNOW. i really put effort into the cutting, i really tried, i was like i want to get out of this world i want to get out get out get out get out and see god and see god.....it was so awful then she comes home and tells me to leave. she says she loves me and shell call me in a few days. she is very drunk. she cries more, tells me im stupid for trying to die, tries to strangle me and ask me if that is what i really want. i say yes and i really truly mean it. she says i dont want too. but i do. she cries, i cry. we kiss and its like disgusting medicated attempts and salvaging a dead beautiful thing its sanitary and forced and tragic. she tells me to leave i say i dont want tooo i want to stay with you.. she says no chris is staying here go home. i punch her in the face, she draws a heart in the dew on my car. i go home and cry all morning to my grandmother who buys me donuts and says you should eat when your sad. i feel worse than i did when my brother died. i have never felt this disgusting in my life. i see her the next day when chris is at work and we are fine. we are not like we used too, i dont feel like she loves me as much, but we are okay. then the next night i wake up at430 in the morning again. i call her, she doesnt answer. i drive to her house, to find it empty. i scream and cry. at 530 am i hear the door unlock, she walks in with chris, laughing and carrying on as though they were soulmates. she sees me, and we walk into the bathroom, she holds me, cries, says shes sorry, she doesnt know what she wants, she doesnt care about anybody. she is drunk. she walks back out to the kitchen, where chris . shes hugs me and says, your going to hate me, but you have to leave. i call katie who is FORVER MY SALVATION YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND TO ME ANYONE HAS EVER BEEN. after i stay with her for awhile, i return to bridgets ecause she and chris have gone to work < they get home at 530 am from drinking and leave at 10 am to go back to NOLA slavedrivers, inc for a double shift> i take all of my pictures down and throw them away. i put salt in her bed, and grease in her sink. i go to work. she leaves me 2 messages saying shes sorry, she loves me, we should talk. after work i buy her some hummus and powerade matrix and leave it at her house with a note that says i still take care of you even when your an asshole. i come home take 4 aleve, fall asleep. she leaves nice messages today. i call chris, and wouldnt you know he's off today, so bridget gave him her car. i called bridgets mom and cried to her about it. she said she'll talk to her, that this isnt right. the other night, there was a man at my work who was very cute. he asked me to go out with him after work. undder normal circumstances, i say no and laugh it off. i said yes. we went to his hotel room. he was a 32 year old security guard. no we did not have sex. we talked. he said his brother killed himself also. he said when him and his wife got a divorce, he ran his car into a cement pole and broke both of his legs. we hugged. i tried to want to sleep with him because i wanted the release and i wanted to feel loved and i wanted to hurt bridget. but i couldnt help feeling like he was my dad or something. i just can't find men or boys attractive. i really try. this is the most horrible situation i have ever been in , and i wish she would call me.