trill
The more I see people adding "University of Maryland, College Park" to 'education' on Facebook, I push my self further and further in denial. I know I'm going to CP, game over. There isn't enough money for UW. I told myself I can pay of student loans but I can't. I can barely handle life right now, and nothing is happening right now. I need to be able to relax and reset my life and..it still feels like I need to go to the corner furthest from home in order to do that but at the same time, I'd be in eight types of hell trying to start over.
There's a part of me kind of hoping my parents will say that we actually can afford UW but they just really don't want me to go that far away or something. I won't commit until...late. Maybe after the orchestra concert when they announce where all the seniors are heading.
..I'm not sure why I dslike CP so much. Maybe because it seems so common and for so much of my life I've felt just. Common. Typical asian girl that got into CP and a few other respectable schools but nothing really amazing or impressive.
This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Just because I realized...so many things that make me unhappy or hate myself or just hate how things have turned out. I look around and I'm happy for people whose lives seem to be working out for them. I'm happy for the person that managed to rebound from a messed up relationship quickly and just go on as if it never happened. I'm honestly happy for these people, even if I don't act like it.
It's hard to be graceful when I feel terrible in the inside. I haven't felt good inside in a long time. And I'm trying to hold it together and pretend for just a few more months but I don't want to have to pretend anymore. And the advice people give me, to distract myself and do little things to be happy and to surround myself with friends....it doesn't work (and I can't surround myself with friends because everyone has that other crowd or those other select friends they're just...closer to. I'm quite forgettable slash neglect-able). It works for maybe a few minutes or ours, but at night, when I'm alone, it's terrible. It's terrible and just wish I didn't feel so inherently alone.
In January, despite just experiencing being too close to death for my taste, I was happy. I feared surgery and the future of my health but...I felt so..okay with things. I knew once I got past the health issues, I had great things and people and memories waiting for me, and while I was in the middle of that mess, I had the same great things. Between then and now, I've lost basically all of that in exchange for near-perfect health. I lost, I lose, I'm not really sure how to feel like I've won again.
Not good enough.
There's a part of me kind of hoping my parents will say that we actually can afford UW but they just really don't want me to go that far away or something. I won't commit until...late. Maybe after the orchestra concert when they announce where all the seniors are heading.
..I'm not sure why I dslike CP so much. Maybe because it seems so common and for so much of my life I've felt just. Common. Typical asian girl that got into CP and a few other respectable schools but nothing really amazing or impressive.
This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Just because I realized...so many things that make me unhappy or hate myself or just hate how things have turned out. I look around and I'm happy for people whose lives seem to be working out for them. I'm happy for the person that managed to rebound from a messed up relationship quickly and just go on as if it never happened. I'm honestly happy for these people, even if I don't act like it.
It's hard to be graceful when I feel terrible in the inside. I haven't felt good inside in a long time. And I'm trying to hold it together and pretend for just a few more months but I don't want to have to pretend anymore. And the advice people give me, to distract myself and do little things to be happy and to surround myself with friends....it doesn't work (and I can't surround myself with friends because everyone has that other crowd or those other select friends they're just...closer to. I'm quite forgettable slash neglect-able). It works for maybe a few minutes or ours, but at night, when I'm alone, it's terrible. It's terrible and just wish I didn't feel so inherently alone.
In January, despite just experiencing being too close to death for my taste, I was happy. I feared surgery and the future of my health but...I felt so..okay with things. I knew once I got past the health issues, I had great things and people and memories waiting for me, and while I was in the middle of that mess, I had the same great things. Between then and now, I've lost basically all of that in exchange for near-perfect health. I lost, I lose, I'm not really sure how to feel like I've won again.
Not good enough.