a lot of matchbox 20 and lifehouse
makes me very very sad.
Waking up is very hard. It's always hard. Today it was just significantly harder. And I'm not really sure why. The difference between this morning and last night...there was no difference. I don't know what it was that made me feel so hopeless and dead when I woke up this morning, but that's just how I felt. I went back to sleep and I guess my parent just assumed that I was sick and they let me sleep through the morning and school.
The last few weeks before I'm done with school looks rough. And stressful.And I should be thankful for having all this stuff to keep me occupied and keep my mind off of things but it's almost been a month and I still feel just as hurt and confused as I did before. I shouldn't. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what happened and why it happened but for some reason I don't think I'll ever be okay about it or be able to forget about it because no matter what, it happened. You can't undo what happened, and I'm the type of person that can't deal with things like this by myself and that's what it feels like I have to do because everybody is expecting to be better at getting over it and growing up. By now, my friends should know these things take a long time.
And even if, one day, I forgive myself and everyone involved in what happened, then what's left? Life seems kind of empty because in a few weeks everyone's going to be gone and I'll be alone and trying to figure out what and who matters in my life. And I don't want that to change.
I can't help but wish that one day we'll shed light on some other aspect of what happened and suddenly everythng will be okay and there will be some great epiphany that fixes everything and waking up won't be so hard anymore.
Instead, we did shed light on some gray areas. But it resulted in making waking up and dealing with myself even harder and the other person just..I know it's bad to wish other people would feel guilt but part of me hoped that he would feel so much guilt about the bare-bones truth, realize that his assumptions were so far from right, and make the rest of this year worth everything else. But instead, there was maybe a 3-second pang of guilt and then it...it was as if it didn't make a difference. And I guess it couldn't make a difference because everything is over and done with (regardless of how in denial I am).
Also, all of this being in the midst of prom season REALLY isn't helping.
Waking up is very hard. It's always hard. Today it was just significantly harder. And I'm not really sure why. The difference between this morning and last night...there was no difference. I don't know what it was that made me feel so hopeless and dead when I woke up this morning, but that's just how I felt. I went back to sleep and I guess my parent just assumed that I was sick and they let me sleep through the morning and school.
The last few weeks before I'm done with school looks rough. And stressful.And I should be thankful for having all this stuff to keep me occupied and keep my mind off of things but it's almost been a month and I still feel just as hurt and confused as I did before. I shouldn't. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what happened and why it happened but for some reason I don't think I'll ever be okay about it or be able to forget about it because no matter what, it happened. You can't undo what happened, and I'm the type of person that can't deal with things like this by myself and that's what it feels like I have to do because everybody is expecting to be better at getting over it and growing up. By now, my friends should know these things take a long time.
And even if, one day, I forgive myself and everyone involved in what happened, then what's left? Life seems kind of empty because in a few weeks everyone's going to be gone and I'll be alone and trying to figure out what and who matters in my life. And I don't want that to change.
I can't help but wish that one day we'll shed light on some other aspect of what happened and suddenly everythng will be okay and there will be some great epiphany that fixes everything and waking up won't be so hard anymore.
Instead, we did shed light on some gray areas. But it resulted in making waking up and dealing with myself even harder and the other person just..I know it's bad to wish other people would feel guilt but part of me hoped that he would feel so much guilt about the bare-bones truth, realize that his assumptions were so far from right, and make the rest of this year worth everything else. But instead, there was maybe a 3-second pang of guilt and then it...it was as if it didn't make a difference. And I guess it couldn't make a difference because everything is over and done with (regardless of how in denial I am).
Also, all of this being in the midst of prom season REALLY isn't helping.