(no subject)
We had sex a few days later because it was inevitable, because...i loved Him, because i was afraid of losing Him, because it felt good or at least because everything up to that point had felt good and it was what came next. The reality, of course, was that the pain made me clutch His arms just below the elbows and arch my head until the crown of it was pressed against the mattress..... He went into the bathroom and got wet paper towels to wipe the blood off my thighs. The paper towels were warm, and i thought how at the sinks in Elwyn's, the hot water always took so long to come out and how He must have waited....
"I've got to leave." That's all He said; He didn't give a reason.
my questions clamored forward.... What did i do? Are You coming back? Please come back, because i don't think i can stand it if You don't....
i already recognized, even then, the sadness of another person lying on top of you. They will always leave...and that's the sad part. You can always feel the imminent loss.
There's another part i liked:
...i became self-conscious and pulled my arms in, as if to block a ball from hitting my chest. He moved my arms, first one, then the other, and set them at my sides. i liked this about Him, how He didn't let me get away with things. If it was like we were starting from the beginning every time, it wasn't that i was testing Him. It was more like needing proof: You want to be here, You want to touch me.
Some of it doesn't make sense unless you know the story, but the lines about imminent loss? It immediately struck home with me. All of a sudden, my life has turned topsy-turvy again, and everything is bad and i need proof, too.
i'm not exactly coherent right now, but i do know that something is wrong and i don't know how to fix it.