oops....
i did it again. Why do my titles and first lines tend to be bad songs? Anyway.
i lost my temper. i lost it so bad, they found it in Mongolia.
It all started when Natalie's mother decided to act like a beeyatch and refused to let her leave the house until 6 pm. i got off the phone with Nat and the Master called. my anger started to simmer, and the more i thought about it, the worse it got. i started to argue with the Master about EVERYTHING.
Every time He said something, i would immediately argue it. When He started to get angry and frustrated at me, i refused to talk at all.
Around 3.30, He came to my house and i refused to talk to Him. i walked away from Him, leaving Him in the front door. i walked away from Him.
Went into the living room, sat down on my ass, and cried. i cried for about ten minutes, then threw on my coat and some jeans and walked to Natalie's house.
my opening line? "There's something wrong with me ... i'm wearing KNEE SOCKS!!!" Proceeded to nearly burst into tears again. She naturally asked me what was wrong. i was rather incoherent at this point and pulled up my jeans leg to show her the knee socks.
She led me over to her couch and asked me again. So i managed to spit out: "i'm mad at the Master and i don't know why and i don't want to be mad but it just keeps getting worse and i don't know what to do and i can't talk to Him because i just get angry and i'm wearing KNEE SOCKS!!" i don't know quite what the socks had to do with it, but they seemed important at the time.
Natalie picked up the phone. i started throwing a fit because i did.not. want her to call Him. She told me, logically, that "you need to talk to Him at some point, you can't be mad forever."
We started walking back to my house and saw the Master in His car. Natalie stopped me and made me wait until He got out of the car and came over to us. i could feel anger and tears and fear in my throat, and i was so scared that i was going to get out of control that i started to walk away. Again. Master reached out to hold me by my arms.
Inside, i wanted so badly to be able to turn around and hug Him and kiss Him and tell Him i was sorry and cry and make it better. But noooo, i started screaming and pushing Him and crying and generally making a scene. i felt so bad right then, it hurt physically.
The Master let me go. He drove away. i saw His car out in front of my house, but i wasn't ready to see Him. i could not get control of my anger. It scared the sh*t out of me.
Eventually, i broke down and went outside to Him. i still don't think that anything i can do or say will make it better. Ever. i'm slowly beginning to loathe myself for doing this. But i don't know how to fix it.
Now, i'm listless and could care less what happens to me. All i can think about is how horrible i have been. All i can think is, "How can He still love me? After all of this, how can He still care about me as much as He does?"
It's nighttime, like now, when i think back and remember all the times i was awful. i remember the time i couldn't stop crying in an empty parking lot. All i wanted to do was hurt myself for the pain i had caused so many people. i cried for so long, my face ached and my throat ached and my chest and stomach ached. i couldn't see right. People kept looking at me and my car weird. my cell phone rang.
"Where are you?"
"In *hiccup* a parking lot ... by the *hiccup* library ... i'm sorry ... i'm so sorry ... *hiccup* *outburst of new tears*"
"I'm gonna come get you. Stay there."
He came. He came and held me and let me cry. He made me stop crying. He told me He would always love me, no matter what. Which made me cry again. i think that is my best memory.
And now, tonight, i will most likely think about all these things. i will most likely stay up until all hours and figure out what's going on with me.
Master, i am so very sorry, words cannot describe it. i love You with all my heart. i'm so sorry.
i lost my temper. i lost it so bad, they found it in Mongolia.
It all started when Natalie's mother decided to act like a beeyatch and refused to let her leave the house until 6 pm. i got off the phone with Nat and the Master called. my anger started to simmer, and the more i thought about it, the worse it got. i started to argue with the Master about EVERYTHING.
Every time He said something, i would immediately argue it. When He started to get angry and frustrated at me, i refused to talk at all.
Around 3.30, He came to my house and i refused to talk to Him. i walked away from Him, leaving Him in the front door. i walked away from Him.
Went into the living room, sat down on my ass, and cried. i cried for about ten minutes, then threw on my coat and some jeans and walked to Natalie's house.
my opening line? "There's something wrong with me ... i'm wearing KNEE SOCKS!!!" Proceeded to nearly burst into tears again. She naturally asked me what was wrong. i was rather incoherent at this point and pulled up my jeans leg to show her the knee socks.
She led me over to her couch and asked me again. So i managed to spit out: "i'm mad at the Master and i don't know why and i don't want to be mad but it just keeps getting worse and i don't know what to do and i can't talk to Him because i just get angry and i'm wearing KNEE SOCKS!!" i don't know quite what the socks had to do with it, but they seemed important at the time.
Natalie picked up the phone. i started throwing a fit because i did.not. want her to call Him. She told me, logically, that "you need to talk to Him at some point, you can't be mad forever."
We started walking back to my house and saw the Master in His car. Natalie stopped me and made me wait until He got out of the car and came over to us. i could feel anger and tears and fear in my throat, and i was so scared that i was going to get out of control that i started to walk away. Again. Master reached out to hold me by my arms.
Inside, i wanted so badly to be able to turn around and hug Him and kiss Him and tell Him i was sorry and cry and make it better. But noooo, i started screaming and pushing Him and crying and generally making a scene. i felt so bad right then, it hurt physically.
The Master let me go. He drove away. i saw His car out in front of my house, but i wasn't ready to see Him. i could not get control of my anger. It scared the sh*t out of me.
Eventually, i broke down and went outside to Him. i still don't think that anything i can do or say will make it better. Ever. i'm slowly beginning to loathe myself for doing this. But i don't know how to fix it.
Now, i'm listless and could care less what happens to me. All i can think about is how horrible i have been. All i can think is, "How can He still love me? After all of this, how can He still care about me as much as He does?"
It's nighttime, like now, when i think back and remember all the times i was awful. i remember the time i couldn't stop crying in an empty parking lot. All i wanted to do was hurt myself for the pain i had caused so many people. i cried for so long, my face ached and my throat ached and my chest and stomach ached. i couldn't see right. People kept looking at me and my car weird. my cell phone rang.
"Where are you?"
"In *hiccup* a parking lot ... by the *hiccup* library ... i'm sorry ... i'm so sorry ... *hiccup* *outburst of new tears*"
"I'm gonna come get you. Stay there."
He came. He came and held me and let me cry. He made me stop crying. He told me He would always love me, no matter what. Which made me cry again. i think that is my best memory.
And now, tonight, i will most likely think about all these things. i will most likely stay up until all hours and figure out what's going on with me.
Master, i am so very sorry, words cannot describe it. i love You with all my heart. i'm so sorry.